This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:22am
There are sooooo many many men out there that their SO has a problem with porn. Here's my take on the whole situation (and I know many people disagree with me and that's fine) but sometimes it takes a totally different point of view to make you feel better.

First of all, do you have alone time you need? Any certain time of the day that you just need to be by yourself, for whatever reason, uninterupted and unbothered? To maybe wind down from a stressful day at work? Or from dealing with little ones all day? For many men, porn is their out. It relieves tension, stress, frustration and what have you. It has nothing to do with them not being satisfied with us women. It is what they can do to please themselves without having to worry about the satisfaction of another. They can concentrate on their orgasm and their orgasm only.

Secondly, what is it exactly about the porn that bothers you so much? Do you get jealous at the women he is looking at? If so, have you ever really looked through a porn magazine or watched a video? 90% of the women are so FAKE!! Fake boobs, fake ass, and a body that was paid for. They (the women) were so uncomfortable with their bodies they had to have cosmetic surgery just to look good enough to be in those kind of moives/magazines. You are naturally beautiful and although many women feel they can't compete with the porn girls, in reality, they can't compete with you. They are pretty only because they paid lots of money to look the way they do and not all of them are really even all that good looking even afterwards.

Why such the sudden change in feelings? You used to be okay with it but now you are revulsed by it? Doesn't make sense and until you can figure it out and present your case fairly to your husband, you have nothing. I don't mean to sound harsh but many men have just this one thing that they do. Let him have this one thing unless you can tell him why it affedts you the way it does. Otherwise he will never understand and it will be that much harder for him to give up. HTH

BTW, tons of women have the same problem. I would have to say this question, in all its forms, is posted AT LEAST once a week, if not more.


Edited 7/7/2004 11:27 am ET ET by sweetbutterfly36

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:35am
I know exactly how you feel. My fiance and I have had a lot of issues over porn. I litarally broke up with him over it a while back. Especially after he had the balls to say that he did it because I am pregnant and our sex life isn't quite up to par!!!!! (It isn't, but that is no excuse in my book.) But that was just another excuse because this was an issue way before i got pg. He tries to hide it, but i find it every time. He looks on the computer, and I know how to find it even if he tries to delete it. I too feel violated and almost cheated on. My DF loves to see me in thongs, but the way I look at it is - if you are looking at other women in them, then I guess you don't need to see me in then. I mean I don't know what to do. He won't quit. He doesn't look at 'porn' sites per say, but now he thinks he is sneaky and is looking up porn on e-bay just to see if he can see nakedness or something. He even looks up sexy underwear on e-bay. I know it is just to see the women in the lingerie. If he wansn't he would look at the just undies pics too, but it is always with a woman wearing them. He used to open the dirty spam e-mails he would get and just look at the front page that came up, thinking that wouldn't be 'looking at porn'. But it is!!!!!!! Why do you even have to open it I would ask. I am very insecure and I do not like porn myself. I never will. I just view it as him getting off to another woman, and I feel cheated on. (This also goes along with my view on strip clubs, but I won't get into that one!!! ;) ) I did try to compromise and for our 2 year aniversary we rented a ppv porn. It totally turned me off because the whole time I just wanted to turn it off and go to the bedroom, and he insisted on staying in the living room while we were doing our thing so he could still watch it - while WE WERE DOING IT!!!!!!!! Well, he ruined the experience and now I will never do that again. Once again it just made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I too have a problem with the lying. Exactly....what else would he lie about. I also feel that if I am obviously not enough and he needs too look at other women, then what happens when looking isn't enough either. What is the next step? Cheating??

Sorry, i guess I got a bit into venting. :) I just want to let you know that no matter how many people tell you that its a guy thing and there isn't a problem and you are being stupid - it will never change how you feel. It hasn't for me. And it never will. Just wanted to let you know that even though there aren't that many of us that feel this way, you aren't alone. If you would like to talk to me any time - my e-mail is liltrucker_as@yahoo.com

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:39am
What's changed with you? Why are you feeling insecure about this now when you were fine with it previously? Have you just given birth, put on some weight, etc.? Whatever it is, work on THAT and start rebuilding your confidence.

Asking your hubby to stop doing something you were previously fine with and picking fights because of it won't solve the problem. Sit down with him, ask him to help you by cutting back temporarily and agree to work on yourself as well.

IF you two work together, you'll solve this issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:49am

My view on porn is unless it becomes an obsession and takes away from him enjoying sex with me, then I don't care that he looks at it.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:10pm
Well it's not that I was fine with it before, I just never said anything to him. I haven't gained any weight, our son is 2 1/2 so no new babies. It's just here lately. Something else bothers me too. It seems like the last 6 months, he won't go down on me. It's always me doin it to him. I confronted him about it and he said " i just want to hurry up and have sex because I'm so horny".....I dunno, I am so confused.

I think the porn thing might be because it does feel like cheating, that he's enjoying another woman and because I had been cheated on before him (my ex) it makes me jealous........
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:30pm
Okay, makes more sense now. He's "rejecting" you by not going down on you as much, at least, in YOUR mind. And the easiest thing to blame for that, and your insecurity about it, is the porn. But it sounds like plain old laziness to me and we all can be guilty of THAT! LOL! Just ask him to get back on the stick and take care of you! And it should ALWAYS be "ladies first" when it comes to oral sex anyway.

Your 1st mistake was not being open and honest about how you felt about his use of porn from the get go. He needs to know how you feel. Talk about it and try to reach a mutually acceptable compromise on it. But I don't think it's fair to ask him to stop completely since he's not neglecting you. We can, and must accomodate our spouse though, whenever adjustments can be made in our habits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:53pm
I think you hit the nail on the head with your sign off there. Insecure. Porno and masterbation has no reflection on the SO, at all. NONE. If you and he have a great sex life, then why worry about it. I don't get it. If he is still intune with you enough to make you O every time, and he enjoys himself with you, then let it go. He masterbates to porn, oh well. Tell him not to hide it, or don't react so poorly to it, and he will not feel like he has to hide it. It is your reaction to it that makes him feel like he must hide it from you. It is your insecurity that makes him keep it that way. He throws it away when you find it. I will be willing to bet that everytime you do it is a big sceen, and tears, and anger, and all that jazz. It is just porn. It is not like a blow up doll. He wants you, but a man has needs. Some greater than others. He may want that temperary release a lot more than you are capable, or willing to give him. Healthy release is good. Maybe one of these days, get some porn yourself, and watch it with him. Help him get off, while watching it. Or, get him off yourself. You have to compromise, just as much as he does. You cannot make it a one way street, and just expect that he will stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:09pm
AH. So it is just your insecurity. Try the advice I gave in the previous post. It sounds to me like you have issues, and your putting them on him. If you didn't get mad about it, he wouldn't hide it, and you wouldn't start worrying about him cheating on you. I think that may be your problem here. He is not your EX. Don't treat him like he is, in other words, blame your EX for your EX's problem, and don't judge your SO for your EX's short comings. That is what it sounds like to me that you are doing here. Putting the resentment you feel towards your EX onto you current. It is not fair to him, or YOU. Let it go. This is a new man, and as long as there are no other problems, leave him be!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:17pm
Dear troubled,

You've gotten good advice here. Masturbation to an erotic picture and making love to your wife are two totally different things. Completely different energy and completely different needs are being met. Masturbation is usually a way to relieve stress or love yourself and has nothing to do with having sex with another person.

Something that may be helpful to remember is the no one can "make" you feel something. We feel something on our own and we are responsible for it. For example, there are women here that have no problem with porn...they are not threatened by it in any way...so your husband looking at porn does not "make" you feel jealous...you feel jealous because of patterned behavior that was developed in your last relationship. Feelings are completely based upon your point of view: one woman's husband looks at porn and she is uncomfortable, another's husband looks at porn and she gets excited...it's subjective. Focus on what is going on inside of you. Bring that up for healing, because as long as you focus on the actions of your husband, and allow those actions to decide whether you will be happy or unhappy, you will be slave to other people; you will continually be at the whim of anothers actions. Take responsibility for your feelings and you will really feel free.

Men are visually stimulated and women tend to be stimulated by stories and thoughts. Have you ever read and been aroused by a romance novel or erotica? FOr a moment, you disappear into a fantasy and it's arousing, but you close the book and it's over, or you take that energy into your bedroom or you masturbate...but then it's over...it's not real. A man looking at a picture of a naked women is doing the same thing...it's just a fantasy, but then he turns off the computer, or closes the magazine and it's over. NOT REAL...you're real, and he is turned on by you in a much more complete real way.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:42pm
Thanks guys. I appreciate your advice. I dunno, I will get over it. But in respone to some replies, No I don't masterbate lol. I just haven't the need for it. I guess it is my insecurites from previous relationships. One more question though to the guys and gals, DO you feel offended when your SO watches a porn, looks at a magazine or whatever it may be, and they get aroused and THEN they come to you and want sex? Or is that a part of my insecurites of him getting turned on by another woman and not me?

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