This is embarrassing.......
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This is embarrassing.......
| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am |
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"
If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.
Thanks,
Troubled,Insecure,Wife
If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.
Thanks,
Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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First of all, do you have alone time you need? Any certain time of the day that you just need to be by yourself, for whatever reason, uninterupted and unbothered? To maybe wind down from a stressful day at work? Or from dealing with little ones all day? For many men, porn is their out. It relieves tension, stress, frustration and what have you. It has nothing to do with them not being satisfied with us women. It is what they can do to please themselves without having to worry about the satisfaction of another. They can concentrate on their orgasm and their orgasm only.
Secondly, what is it exactly about the porn that bothers you so much? Do you get jealous at the women he is looking at? If so, have you ever really looked through a porn magazine or watched a video? 90% of the women are so FAKE!! Fake boobs, fake ass, and a body that was paid for. They (the women) were so uncomfortable with their bodies they had to have cosmetic surgery just to look good enough to be in those kind of moives/magazines. You are naturally beautiful and although many women feel they can't compete with the porn girls, in reality, they can't compete with you. They are pretty only because they paid lots of money to look the way they do and not all of them are really even all that good looking even afterwards.
Why such the sudden change in feelings? You used to be okay with it but now you are revulsed by it? Doesn't make sense and until you can figure it out and present your case fairly to your husband, you have nothing. I don't mean to sound harsh but many men have just this one thing that they do. Let him have this one thing unless you can tell him why it affedts you the way it does. Otherwise he will never understand and it will be that much harder for him to give up. HTH
BTW, tons of women have the same problem. I would have to say this question, in all its forms, is posted AT LEAST once a week, if not more.
Edited 7/7/2004 11:27 am ET ET by sweetbutterfly36
Sorry, i guess I got a bit into venting. :) I just want to let you know that no matter how many people tell you that its a guy thing and there isn't a problem and you are being stupid - it will never change how you feel. It hasn't for me. And it never will. Just wanted to let you know that even though there aren't that many of us that feel this way, you aren't alone. If you would like to talk to me any time - my e-mail is liltrucker_as@yahoo.com
Asking your hubby to stop doing something you were previously fine with and picking fights because of it won't solve the problem. Sit down with him, ask him to help you by cutting back temporarily and agree to work on yourself as well.
IF you two work together, you'll solve this issue.
My view on porn is unless it becomes an obsession and takes away from him enjoying sex with me, then I don't care that he looks at it.
I think the porn thing might be because it does feel like cheating, that he's enjoying another woman and because I had been cheated on before him (my ex) it makes me jealous........
Your 1st mistake was not being open and honest about how you felt about his use of porn from the get go. He needs to know how you feel. Talk about it and try to reach a mutually acceptable compromise on it. But I don't think it's fair to ask him to stop completely since he's not neglecting you. We can, and must accomodate our spouse though, whenever adjustments can be made in our habits.
You've gotten good advice here. Masturbation to an erotic picture and making love to your wife are two totally different things. Completely different energy and completely different needs are being met. Masturbation is usually a way to relieve stress or love yourself and has nothing to do with having sex with another person.
Something that may be helpful to remember is the no one can "make" you feel something. We feel something on our own and we are responsible for it. For example, there are women here that have no problem with porn...they are not threatened by it in any way...so your husband looking at porn does not "make" you feel jealous...you feel jealous because of patterned behavior that was developed in your last relationship. Feelings are completely based upon your point of view: one woman's husband looks at porn and she is uncomfortable, another's husband looks at porn and she gets excited...it's subjective. Focus on what is going on inside of you. Bring that up for healing, because as long as you focus on the actions of your husband, and allow those actions to decide whether you will be happy or unhappy, you will be slave to other people; you will continually be at the whim of anothers actions. Take responsibility for your feelings and you will really feel free.
Men are visually stimulated and women tend to be stimulated by stories and thoughts. Have you ever read and been aroused by a romance novel or erotica? FOr a moment, you disappear into a fantasy and it's arousing, but you close the book and it's over, or you take that energy into your bedroom or you masturbate...but then it's over...it's not real. A man looking at a picture of a naked women is doing the same thing...it's just a fantasy, but then he turns off the computer, or closes the magazine and it's over. NOT REAL...you're real, and he is turned on by you in a much more complete real way.
Good luck.
Scott.
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