This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:25pm

Let me get this straight.


You have satisfying sex 5-6 times a week.


He knows you don't like porn, so he doesn't look at it when you're around.


Where's the problem?


Believe him when he says the porn has NOTHING to do with you. Its not there as a replacement for you. Think of it as a hobby he enjoys on his own.


Do you ever spend time on yourself? Do you ever flip through house magazines, watch chick flicks, or shop just because you enjoy it? Should he feel insecure that you would spend time without him, or that he doesn't provide you with a large enough house, or worry that he's not as exciting and attractive as the men in the movies you like?


Or should he just recognize that you enjoy doing things on your own every once

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:43pm
I think you hit the nail on the head! THAT'S what p*sses me off! I will ask him if he wants to mess around and he says he's too tired. Well, I know better, he's never too tired (we have 5 kids! so no lack of stamina there) and then I will blantently ask him if he did it. Because I know my husband, he's never too tired unless he does that. Well he lies and says no but feels guilty about it and tells me he did. THATS what makes me mad. He was horny enough in the shower 10 mins ago to masterbate, but now he's tired? Makes me feel like he is chosing THAT over me! That's pure lazy. But when he wants it and Im tired, he begs, pleads, and whines until I give in! (I DO get tired raising 5 boys).

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! That's why I am jealous of it. He would rather do his thing to a porn then with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:08pm
Hi Troubled,

As this thread develops you are adding more and more info that contradicts what you originally said. You mentioned that you had sex 5-6 times per week and that you had a great sex life. Now, you have said that he won't go down on you anymore and that he denies you sex. Either he is satisfying you sexually or he isn't...which is it?

Everyone should be able to masturbate without feeling guilty or having to defend him or herself. Masturbation is intensely personal and has nothing to do with ones' partner (unless it is part of your sex play). If he's doing it in the shower then he's not looking at porn, he's just masturbating. I think maybe the problem that you're having is not so much with the porn, but with the masturbation. If it is, you are jealous of his hand...? You mentioned that you don't masturbate...maybe you should. It's not a big deal. Also, whether he masturbates occassionally or not, everyone has the right to say no to sex without being interogated and forced to say why. If you are having sex 5-6 times a week, it sounds to me like he's not neglecting you in any way. Read some of the posts on this website...there are women here that don't have sex with their partners 5 or 6 times a year.

I'm sorry if I'm being judgmental, but I think that the problems that you're having are deep inside...they're issues of insecurity. Find out what you really need from your husband. I suspect that it might be that you need him to reassure you that you are the ONE, that you are special and perfect and safe from infidelity. Instead of focusing on him jerking off now and again (which there is not a man on the planet that doesn't masturbate occasionally) maybe focus on what you really need. I think maybe (unconsciously) that you're skirting the issue. Maybe you really need something else entirely, you just haven't allowed yourself to find what it is.

Ask for him to tell you how much he loves you...you might be surprised how much.

Peace.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:49pm
"One more question though to the guys and gals, DO you feel offended when your SO watches a porn, looks at a magazine or whatever it may be, and they get aroused and THEN they come to you and want sex?"

No, I wouldn't get offended, as long as it wasn't the ONLY way he could get aroused. For me, having sex 5 or 6 times a weeks only after he viewed porn WOULD be an issue. Add on top, him rushing me through it, to the point of foregoing oral for me all together, would make me **feel***(sorry about that Scott, but feelings are very real results of situations) used and abused. What kind of sex life is that? Quantity doesn't outweigh quality for me. So, no, porn(especially for masturbatory purposes), in and of itself wouldn't bother me, but it would have an affect on my sex life if it was being used as a crutch. I view it the same as me having to get drunk in order to have sex. Porn can have its' place, but dependency is where I draw the line.


Edited 7/7/2004 3:50 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:49pm
I'm confused. In your original post you said you hqad sex 5 or 6 times a week and it was great. Now you say he's too tired for sex. I guess I don't understand.

--


martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963


CL Redbook "Get Inside His Head"

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:51pm
I am sorry if I have contradicted myself. Afterall I am at work and kinda sneaking on the computer. I should have worded things differently. We have ACTIVE sex 5-6 times a week. It isn't so much that he denies me sex as it is when he wants it, he gets it when it's conveient to him. Even if I don't want it. But when I want it, he says he's tired. Maybe it's a control thing, I dunno. Another thing, let me give you an example of why I get upset. Like yesterday morning it went something like this (remember we had kids around us going to school and we have sorta a "code" to tell each other: "Do you mind if we put the kids to bed early tonight so we can spend some TIME together?" my husband winks and says "you better believe it!"

Well we put the kids to bed and I asked him to come to bed (it's around 8:45pm). He said he was too tired. I walked into the bedroom and seen "OUR" private drawer open and the DVD on top of stuff. I asked him out-right Are you really too tired or did you do your thing while I was at work?" He denied it for a minute, wouldnt look me in the eye and started laughing. I knew he was lying and asked again, and he said yes..... But this morning when I was getting ready for work, HE wanted SEX...of course I didn't because I was running late.....

Does that help any? Please let me know if I am being evasive or contradicting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 4:07pm

My views here on your last few posts.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 4:23pm
Umm, yeah, I would be very offended if my DF got aroused by another woman (be it a pic or not) and then came to me. I would feel as if he was thinking of that image in his mind while he was using my body.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:41pm
I'm jumping into the conversation late here but I've got a couple of thoughts...

I think that it's not really about the masturbation or the porn so much as what's going on in the relationship. You are obviously feeling rejected at the moment and you seem to be blaming it on the porn and masturbation. I can understand that because you can't relate to why anyone would want to masturbate because you don't masturbate ever. Because you don't masturbate you can't relate to why anyone would want to use a little fantasy to masturbate with - be it an erotic story, erotic thoughts or printed pictures.

>>He said he was too tired. I walked into the bedroom and seen "OUR" private drawer open and the DVD on top of stuff. I asked him out-right<<

NOw, how often does this happen? How often do you find that he is too tired? You said that you have sex 5-6 times a week so it can't be happening THAT often, can it? I think that sex 5-6 times a week and a couple of session of masturbation thrown in translates to a VERY active sex life. It's not surprising that you clash with timetables and levels of desire every so often.

You need to talk to him. Tell him how that made you feel. I suspect he might be surprised because of the regular frequency of sex. Have you considered that he might be a little put out himself if he's expected to perform 7 days a week? I'm not saying that he is, he might just like the odd personal solo session himself if he's horny.

You are getting hurt and very defensive over things that are very normal and quite unremarkable in reality. I think that you are just putting a negative spin on most of it and adding it to the 'evidence' that porn/masturbation is bad.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:50pm
Personally, for me, I want my DH to aroused by ME, not some other woman in a mag or video. So, while I think offended is too strong a word, I agree, that it would bother me enough to tell him to take care of it himself. IMO, I don't think you're overreacting there. Have you tried watching with him to see if it does anything for YOU?

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