This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:52pm
Why in the heck can't men just masturbate - obviously they are already horny. Why do they feel they need that extra something (porn). Why not just do it and get it over with. I don't see why porn is such a natural thing or normal thing for people. I can see masturbating - but why do people 'have' to masturbate 'to something'. Porn to me is not natural in reality. In this day and age it is because people are so grossly sexual. Sex is natural - watching other people doing it is not.

"You are getting hurt and very defensive over things that are very normal and quite unremarkable in reality." Porn is not normal!!!!!!! And the fact that it is unremarkable in reality says a lot about our day and age that it is so widely accepted and is no big deal. Sex is a big deal. That is the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 6:46pm
"Men are visually stimulated and women tend to be stimulated by stories and thoughts."

I'm equally stimulated by both....and so is my DH.

"Have you ever read and been aroused by a romance novel or erotica? For a moment, you disappear into a fantasy and it's arousing, but you close the book and it's over, or you take that energy into your bedroom or you masturbate...but then it's over...it's not real."

The story may not be real, nor the pic, but arousal is very real. And for me, it's not OVER when the arousal is satiated. It continues...and lingers in my brain for weeks, sometimes months. I still have sexual images from porn I've seen years ago. Is this one of those gender differences? I mean, are men really done, when they're done! ;-) Since I haven't had any porn(hard-core) in a long while, my fantasies are very monogomous. During masturbation, I recall all of the things we did in the past sessions and fantasize about all of the things I want to do to HIM. It keeps my appetite for him heightened and I find myself constantly thinking about him, not some highly erotic porn image.


"A man looking at a picture of a naked women is doing the same thing...it's just a fantasy, but then he turns off the computer, or closes the magazine and it's over."

Is it really...over...I mean? Can you actually say that the pic or "woman" isn't brought into not only the immediate sex session, but is left on the mind for a good length of time?

"NOT REAL...you're real, and he is turned on by you in a much more complete real way."

That's a contradiction in and of itself...which is why many women have a hard time with porn. If he was turned on by her, why would he need the porn?




Edited 7/7/2004 8:24 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:03pm

>>One more question though to the guys and gals, DO you feel offended when your SO watches a porn, looks at a magazine or whatever it may be, and they get aroused and THEN they come to you and want sex?<<


No, I wouldn't be offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:10pm
I am never offended by porn. I love it myself and I love masturbating too. I could have sex 4 times per day (and my ex and I used to) and I would still masturbate up to 8 times a day if I felt like it...sometimes with porn...sometimes not...

did it mean I wasn't turned on by my husband? did it mean I prefered porn to my husband? no, on both counts....

it usually meant I wanted quick release. When we masturbate, we don't have to bring anyone else to orgasm except ourselves....it was a release, without all the concern about the other partner......the lazy-man (or woman's) sex.......

but it never took away from me wanting real sex with my partner as often as I could....


...and having a partner come to me all turned on my porn..or looking at women on the street is awesome.....they are turned on and hard and ready to roll.......they still want me....they just had some incentive to get home early and play!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:20pm

>>And for me, it's not OVER when the arousal is satiated. It continues...and lingers in my brain for weeks, sometimes months. I still have sexual images from porn I've seen years ago. <<


>>Is it really...over...I mean? Can you actually say that the pic or "woman" isn't brought into not only the immediate sex session, but is left on the mind for a good length of time? <<


No, I don't think this is gender difference at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:33pm
>>Anyway, it's not as if he's getting aroused by a REAL woman. It's a 2 dimensional, airbrushed image.<<

Depends on what's being looked at. There is *tons* of unairbrushed porn out there. They ARE real women. There is a big demand for ametuer porn.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:51pm
Oh, I'm with him spiritually(I don't fantasize about him being someone else), they're just faceless body parts that I viewed in the porn that involuntarily pop-up. The point I was trying to bring out was that they don't "pop-up" during sex at all if I haven't viewed porn recently.

It's not as though I didn't like what I saw. I mean you tend to forget almost immediately about a stupid movie that you hated, but then there are those classics that you can't ever forget(I'm not referring only to the love scenes either).***Edited to state I'm referring to regular movies here, not porn.




Edited 7/7/2004 8:16 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:40pm
Hi Free to choose,

First let me begin by saying that Porn is not particularly my thing. I'm not defending its' use any more than any other sexual aid. And I agree, when I masturbate it is with my wife in mind it is either fantasizing about something that I would like to do with her, or more often things that we have done. So we're on the same page. However, fantasy is fantasy...it's not any more real to read a story and get turned on or to look at a picture and get turned on. Both are fantasies. Having said that, there are those that become addicted to porn or to erotica or whatever...they're addicted to fantasy; they're running away from reality. I would never endorse that. However, I don't think this is the case in this situation. I think that the OP needs something else from her husband that she is not getting. I don't think she is fully aware of what that thing is yet, and it's one of the reasons that the porn thing is such an issue.

As far as feelings go; situation don't "make" feelings happen; it's our interpretation of the situation that brings up feelings. The reason that I say that is because if three different people are faced with the same situation, they will most likely have three different reactions to it. So the situation didn't "make" any body feel anything...if that were the case, we would all feel exactly the same in every situation. Look at the different reactions of all of the people on this board to the OP's situation; not one person has exactly the same reaction. Some women don't care at all, some women are excited by it, some are repulsed etc. etc. That's why I believe that in order to empower ourselves, we have to change the interpretation of the event. And that's not to say that we can't discuss things in a relationship in order to set boundries. However, if the OP's problem is masturbation, she is not going to be able to stop him from doing it... he will just hide (as he has done) and this is causing more problems.

Peace.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:31pm
I didn't get the impression from her posts that she was against masturbation. What I heard was that she made PLANS with him for an evening, and after agreeing to it, he went ahead and masturbated(to porn). I also heard that he stopped foreplay(oral) in the past six months. I also heard that he views porn before sex. I also heard that he turns her down whenever she initiates although he never lets her turn down sex. It sounds as though he has a hold on THEIR sex life, it's all one-sided. Her "feelings" of neglect, IMO, are very real and yes, I would probably have many different feelings as the "result" of the situation. I just wouldn't want someone simply telling me that I'm crazy and that I need to just accept it....or to change my feelings, and leave him be. Everyone seemed to be blinded by the fact that she was having sex six times a week, and automatically jumped on her. What if the sex was NOT satisfying to her(sounded so)? What if she felt undesired because he turns her down? What if she felt undesired because he views porn before each session? What if her feelings were very valid?

Although masturbation is healthy and normal, males have a refractory period and for some men, it's LONG. I wouldn't have a problem telling my DH to slow down on the masturbation because I need him more(if that were the only issue). She may be getting it five or six times in a week, but it's all about him, it seems, and HIS sex drive. I think her "feelings" of "insecurity" as a result of his actions are valid. I did sense she was against porn, not masturbation though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:38am
thank you amber!

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