This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:47am
Thank you for that Free... That's exactly what's going on. I do NOT have to get over it or deal with it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:27am
Your welcome. I just wanted to let you know that there are many of us out here that feel the same as you do. We shouldn't have to put up with it, but we do. And I will probably just keep on putting up with it. It is the only bad thing in our relationship. Maybe someday I just won't give a crap anymore. lol (but i doubt it ;) )

Talk to ya later - Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:29am
LOL Isn't that the truth! We love em too much to kill em! lmao
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:51am

Umm, yeah, I would be very offended if my DF got aroused by another woman (be it a pic or not) and then came to me. I would feel as if he was thinking of that image in his mind while he was using my body.


You've never watched a romantic/sexy movie that got you in the mood and then come to bed with your DF? Never saw a good restaurant ad on TV and then went to the kitchen to fix a snack (maybe something completely different than what the ad was showing)?


I'd think you'd be thrilled that your DF came to you and not worry about what the original stimulus was. As the old saying goes, its not where you get your appetite that counts, its where you eat dinner!


I know that if my DW watches a movie with George Clooney, Sean Connery, or Tom Selleck movie that she's going to come to bed in the mood. Why on earth would I object?



--


martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963


CL Redbook "Get Inside His Head"

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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:19am
I agree with you.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:53am
Silly comparison, IMO. Everything you mentioned is incidental. Porn is purposeful. It's intent is to arouse. If my DH had to look at porn or go to a strip club, etc. to get in the mood to have sex with ME, then something's wrong, IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:58am
'You've never watched a romantic/sexy movie that got you in the mood and then come to bed with your DF?' As a matter of fact - no i haven't. I get in the mood from actions - not from visual stimuli. I don't get aroused by watching an actor on tv. I don't get turned on by pics of men - i never have. Not even my DF. I have to have physical interactions. I absolutly would not be comfortable with my DF getting aroused by porn or strippers and then coming to me. I do not care what you people say, he is aroused by that - he is thinking about that. Plain and simple. Those thoughts and images don't just erase out of your mind when u enter a room with your SO. My body would just be a masturbating vessel for him. And yes - I have watched a porn with my DF. Totally turned me off. He wanted to watch it while we were having sex. HHHMMMM Wonder what he was more interested in. Made me feel like crap. Won't EVER happen again.

'I'd think you'd be thrilled that your DF came to you and not worry about what the original stimulus was. As the old saying goes, its not where you get your appetite that counts, its where you eat dinner!' I believe I have heard that saying before - that you should just be happy that they come home to u. Well...what about the millions of cheaters that come home to their SO after a night of cheating. Isn't that along the same lines?? If his appetite isn't for me - he ain't eatin my dinner!!

I do realize that I cannot control what he fantasizes about or thinks about. But...why should I go into it KNOWING that he has just had tits rubbed in his face or watched naked women on tv to get it up and then come to me and expect me to take care of his problem?? If he wanted to do those things to get in the mood then he should take care of it himself then. It had nothing to do with me why he is horny, it should have nothing to do with me when he gets off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:38pm
Dear FTC,

It's apparent that you are not reading what I am saying, or I am communicating badly. I never said her feelings weren't real, nor did I say she should try to change them, nor did I say that she should just accept a situation that is uncomfortable. I simply said that she should look deeper, because I have a sense that there is something else that she needs and constantly focusing on porn, or masturbation or whatever will not help her get her needs met.Only she will know what it is.

Feelings are real and valid but they are our feelings...feelings are not caused by someone else, just by our interpretation of an event. Feelings are flags to let us know that there is something in our lives that needs attention. The best way to be victimized and to ensure that you are in a constant state of emotional turmoil is say that you feelings are "caused" by someone else. Feelings are ours and our responsibility; which is not the same as saying that they are our "fault", responsibility simply means that we have the ability to respond creatively to a situation. If we don't take responsibility for our emotions, then we are constantly at the whim of whoever or whatever situation triggers them.

Just a different way of looking at it that I feel is more healing and powerful than blaming others for the way we feel. She is welcome to hang on to her feelings and the thoughts that generate them (most of us do), or she can entertain the possibility that there is another way to transcend this.

Peace.

Scott.

PS - Sorry to talk like you're not here Frustrated...I can see how frustrating this situation is. I REALLY wish you the best...mostly this is just a bump in the road, I know that you will work it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:00pm
Yes it is frustrating. I just don't know how to confront him with these things. I mean he used to be so loving, caring and passionate. Now it seems to me that he has to do these other things in order to be with me, or he would rather do these things then be with me. I am conducting a little test right now. I haven't offered any sex, made any plans or any gestures the past two days. I am waiting to see how long it is until he comes to me, then I am going to say "No thanks, I took care of myself" and see how HE feels about it.

Addressing some of your replies, I don't care for porn, It does nothing for me. Nor does reading stories or looking at magazines. The only way I get turned into the mood is actual physical contact. That's the way I have always been. I wasn't raised in an atmosphere that sex was an open subject. My husband wasn't either, but he was more sexually active then I was. To be honest, porn turns me off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:05pm
>>I am conducting a little test right now. I haven't offered any sex, made any plans or any gestures the past two days. I am waiting to see how long it is until he comes to me, then I am going to say "No thanks, I took care of myself" and see how HE feels about it. <<

Bad idea. It's best not to play games. It may work, but may back fire on you. The best thing to do is bring it up, no matter how difficult it is. You are letting this fester, and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to solve.

Leticia

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