This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:12pm
This is true. I guess I will just have to suck it in and confront him
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:15pm
I agree Leticia.

Something to keep in mind is that there is some reason that he is withdrawing. It's probably has nothing to do with you, but people don't usually withdraw without some reason, and it may be a reason that he is not fully conscious of. That's why it's so important to make sure that you don't look at this book on its face...the real story is somewhere inside the cover, not on the outside (true for both of you and all of us). 99.9% of the things that people do that bother or irritate or bring up emotions in others are not personal...they are about their own dramas not ours. Compassion is very healing for both of you.

If this continues, please, please see a councelor...someone who can look at this situation from the outside and help guide you both.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:17pm

Nobody said anything about "having to" look at porn to get aroused. If you can't get aroused without porn, maybe you need Viagra. But that's not the point. There is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with getting aroused, masturbating, or looking at attractive people.


You have a cross image on your name, so I assume you're Christian. If you're like many people, you get up on Sunday Morning, put on your best clothes, go to church, and participate in a service that is designed to help you be in a worshipful mood, and be more open to your God, right?


Now, someone could argue that you shouldn't "have to" get al dressed up, drive to some fancy building, and sing songs and repeat prayers just to worship God. You ought to be able to do that without any help, right? But it helps you, you enjoy it, and it makes worship more pleasant, etc. Am I wrong?


Or consider this - do roses, gifts, lingerie, candles, or mood music help you get ready to make love to your husband? Do you "have to" have those things, or do you simply enjoy them? Do they replace sex, or are they just something you enjoy along with, or in addition to sex?


--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:23pm

I don't get aroused by watching an actor on tv.


If you say so, I believe you. But that makes you a very

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:31pm
>>If you say so, I believe you. But that makes you a very unusual woman.<<

No it doesn't.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:34pm
And that is just your insecurity talking for you. Not necessarily reality. From the posts you have left, here and else where you seem to have a very low self esteem. I hope you get some help for that. As far as the OP is concerned, I think she is taking all this way to personally. She needs to try and get involved with him and his thrills more, rather than from what it seems, I apologize if I am wrong here, just wanting to have her needs met. Porn is Porn. It is not there, not real life, and not something any woman should get jealous of, or turned off towards there spouse over. It is also something that if one likes, the other should attempt at least to get into somehow. You may not like porn. Then again, you may. But, if you look at the women on there as perfect women, then you have serious problems of your own. No one has to like it, but we all have to accept that it exists, and that it is one of the biggest industries in this country, let alone the rest of the world. Give the guy a break, and do something with him that involves his porn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:57pm
Dear All,

Something that is important to remember, is whether it's porn, or erotica, or touch or thinking of your SO that revs your engine...what we are all REALLY aroused by is our thoughts. It's not our partner, its not porn, its what those things bring into our minds that makes us horny (if it were JUST our partner we would all get aroused every time we see them in every situation). Really we're all the same that way, it's just that some have different ways of getting our minds to trigger the physiological responses that make our bodies do the things they need to do in order to have sex. So, it's best not to be judgmental of anyone's particular "aid to thoughts". The greatest aphrodesiac is the human mind...actually, it's the only aphrodesiac.

Having said that, there are some ways of triggering thoughts that are healthier than others; porn is fine if it doesn't become a substitute for intimacy, but so often it does, because we become addicted to that certain type of stimulae, because for some it is so intense.

Best to sample from the buffet, rather than only eating one dish.

Peace.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:00pm
But that is not the case here. He doesn't run into the room, watch a porno, and then go running to her for sex. And that is what you are not getting. Amber is a special case, obviously. She has some serious issues else where. The OP has issues of her own, and they have nothing to do with the porn, or the masterbation. It has to do with her. His hiding it is a direct reflection of her attitude towards it. And her attitude towards it seems to stem from her lack of trust in him, there relationship, and she needs to get over that, first and foremost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:07pm
Yes it does. It makes you a very unusual woman to not get aroused by seeing an attractive man half naked on a movie. Very few women I have ever known were not able to get aroused by any movie. If you are a woman that cannot get aroused, does not get aroused, or is not aroused by anything other than the person you are with, then I am very sorry for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:15pm
>>If you say so, I believe you. But that makes you a very unusual woman.<<

No it doesn't.

Leticia

Thank you - just because I find a man attractive does not mean that I am ready, willing, and able just from looking at him. :)

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