This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:16pm
>>He doesn't run into the room, watch a porno, and then go running to her for sex.<<

In a way, he is. If he is regularly using porn to get aroused before he comes to her, then basically that IS what he is doing.

>>His hiding it is a direct reflection of her attitude towards it.<<

No, you're assuming it is. My DH was scolded by his family when he was a teenager because they found a porno mag in his room. It embarrassed him terribly, and to this day he is secretive/shy about his masturbation and porn usage. You keep making snap judgements Jeep, and I am wondering if it is because of issues in your own relationship.

>>And her attitude towards it seems to stem from her lack of trust in him, there relationship, and she needs to get over that, first and foremost.<<

Again, snap judgement. You aren't a fly on the wall in their home, so how do you know there is a breakdown of trust? People can have these types of feelings without it meaning they are somehow an insecure, untrusting person. You throw that label around too often and too easily. When something like this keeps happening, these feelings can start to build up over time(which is why I reccomended speaking to him about it no matter how uncomfortable).

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:17pm
Maybe you don't know that much about women then. :) Just because I find someone attractive does not mean I get horny. Anyone that gets riled up and ready for sex every time they see an attractive person in my opinion has the problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:20pm
>>Yes it does. It makes you a very unusual woman to not get aroused by seeing an attractive man half naked on a movie. Very few women I have ever known were not able to get aroused by any movie. If you are a woman that cannot get aroused, does not get aroused, or is not aroused by anything other than the person you are with, then I am very sorry for you<<

Women get turned on in different ways. If she doesn't get turned on by a movie, she is not abnormal. What turns one person on may not work for another.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:23pm
'From the posts you have left, here and else where you seem to have a very low self esteem.' Thanks for the insight - by the way I do have issues, but who doesn't. I think that my SO should realize them and not feed into them and make it worse. Men need to stop being so selfish and thinking that women (insecurities or not) should just buck up and do it with them.

Even if I do or don't view them women as perfect (btw, i don't find slutty women perfect) it doesn't really matter. He is viewing them - that is the problem. Perfect or not - it is another woman. Another person. That woman is arousing him and making him feel the way I would. That isn't right.

'Give the guy a break, and do something with him that involves his porn.' First of all, why should he deserve the break?? Just because we should give in? And if you had read some of my previous posts, you would see that I did try to take that road of compromise. It didn't work out well for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:26pm
You don't seem to read what she writes then. I have read this intire thread over again and yes, that is the opinion I have about her attitude. No snap judgemtn here at all. Just taking what she has stated, and forming an opinion on the matter. Thank you very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:34pm
'If you are a woman that cannot get aroused, does not get aroused, or is not aroused by anything other than the person you are with, then I am very sorry for you.'

News Flash!! Not all people are aroused by the same things. I could have half naked man dacing in front of me. Nuttin. I have to have physical interactions to get aroused. Why is that so hard for you to believe. Be it a minor kiss, or even holding hands, or touching my face. Subtle or not. Seeing doesn't do it for me.

Thanks for the pity, but I have a great sex life. I just do not think that there needs to be all of that extra crap (porn - seeing others naked) involved. Yes I do enjoy sensual music, candles, bubble baths, a toy now and then, etc. Those are all extras that can enhance your sex life. But they are totally different than getting aroused by another person or a pic or video of another person and then coming to me. I am not opposed to extra's - just extra people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:36pm
>>Men need to stop being so selfish and thinking that women (insecurities or not) should just buck up and do it with them.<<

So what your saying is that men need to buck up and just accept it?? That isn't right either. He accepts your insecurities, issues, "baggage", then so should you. It is called being fair in a relationship. One way or the highway is not right, but then again, neither is taking personally things that a person has done all there adolescent lives. It is a joke to think that everything is a suck it up and accept it issue. Your right in thinking that. But what I am saying is acceptance of things we do not like is a part of life. Does he snore? If he does, you have no choice but to accept it, or disturb his sleep. Things like this are so petty and people make such a huge deal out of it. Regardless of whether I am out at a club, watching a porn, or looking at magazines, when I am with my SO, she is the one that is keeping me aroused, she is the one I am thinking about, she is the one I am with. As for mr porno who said that men aren't thinking of there spouses, shoot, I even think of her when I am watching it. I have wondered if she was capable of doing things I have seen on porno's!!! You are blowing this situation way out of proportion, and making a mountain out of a mole hill. By using sex as punishment, you are asking for more trouble than any of it is worth. He is bringing all the energy he creates from watching, looking at, or viewing things and directing it at you. THAT IS A GOOD THING, not something to be punished for. Get out of the childish attitudes and welcome to the real world. For those of you who do not use in any form or fashion, great, more power to you, and no offense intended towards you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:47pm
'Things like this are so petty and people make such a huge deal out of it.' They may be petty to you - but you are a porn user and I am assuming your wife has no problem with it. To many poeple it isn't petty.

'Regardless of whether I am out at a club, watching a porn, or looking at magazines, when I am with my SO, she is the one that is keeping me aroused, she is the one I am thinking about, she is the one I am with.' To some of us - that doesn't make a whoopdy doo. She is the one that KEEPS you aroused. Not gets you aroused. That is where the problem lies with me. I do not feel that it is that easy to just get that thought, image, sound out of your head to the point that when you are with your SO that you are no longer thinking at all about the crap you have seen, or heard. Of course you are there with her - she is the vessel you have handy to use for your escapades.

'He is bringing all the energy he creates from watching, looking at, or viewing things and directing it at you. THAT IS A GOOD THING' That is not a good thing. A good thing is if I am the one creating the energy. Then ALL of his energy is focused on me. You act as though women should be thankful that their men aren't getting it up over other things and going after other women. Why should we be thankful for that??

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:41pm
Um...I think you need to read the OP's other comments in the thread. Her partner does want to have sex after viewing porn. And sorry, but that pattern CAN become habitual if it's done frequently. Studies have already proven it.

And I never said that masturbation was bad anywhere in my post. I masturbate. My DH masturbates. But we don't need porn to do so. But IF both partners are in agreement about it's use, then it's fine for them. That's not the case with the OP.

But once again, everything you mention are incidental additions to romance. What does that have to do with viewing naked women involved in sexual acts?

And please, don't presume to know how I worship. Not all Christians worship the same way.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:50pm
Well, I guess I'm weird too, then. LOL! While I can certainly appreciate beauty and sexiness, I'm not aroused just by looking at it.

Jeep, studies of the brain via MRI's have already shown that men react differently to pictures of sexy women. This reaction occurs in a different part of the brain than women. The very same part which is affected by drugs and gambling.

Women responded differently in the test. They respond exactly the same way to pictures of babies, dogs and cats, pretty images of nature AND attractive men. There was no marked difference to the men at all. Women need personal interaction and TOUCH to be aroused. Sorry, women are different, like it or not.

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