This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:55pm
>>Porn is not normal!!!!!!!<<

Frankly I disagree.

Ever since man could use coloured dirt to paint on cave walls there have been open and explict depictions of human sexuality and sex ever since. If it wasn't cavemen scrawling on rocks it was the Romans with murals, the Asians with woooden carvings on temples, the Karma Sutra, b&W photos in the Victorian era and dirty pictures on the internet. Sure the technology and morality has changed over time which has also changed the content but people (particularly men) have used and viewed pornography in various forms for zillions of years.

>>Sex is natural - watching other people doing it is not.<<

Again I disagree. Currrent morality may say that watching others having sex is not 'nice' but you can't tell me that in times past that people have never had sex within earshot or eyesight of other people.

WHY is watching NOT natural?????

I think that knowing about, seeing or hearing other couples having sex is just part and parcel of sex in general.

>>Sex is a big deal. That is the problem.<<

No. Sex is not a big deal. It is one of the most natural things that humans can engage in next to eating, and breathing. The problem is that we MAKE sex a problem. If it was more accepted and talked about and we educated more children about the realities of sex it would be less of a problem and more relationships wouldn't have problems based on unrealistic expectations of sex.

Porn is a fantasy world but it's out there and everyone knows about it or has been affected by it in one way or another. If only people talked about normal sexuality in the same way, we'd all be better off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 6:09pm
I imagine the pain when you find out he already took care of business. It hurts when you arent wanted, read the clashing libido boards someday. Why I would suggest is when he has already taken care of himself (I assume you are in bed now) learn to masturbate. I know for some woman this is not easy. It isn't hard to learn but everyone should learn to. Maybe even get a few toys if you don't have any alreay, they can be used during your times with DH as well. The first time you do this he will suddenly have the ability to take care of your needs. It is visual and out of the ordinary. This might be the biggest turn on for married men, watching their wives take care of themselves. You will also learn a lot about your likes by doing this. Try it out when you get sometime alone (I doubt with 5 boys you have enough time to hit the bathroom). Hopefully you will better understand him and yourself. Also get some erotic books woman seem to be into them as men are into porn. Good luck and maybe the two of you will be happier this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 6:46pm
"You've never watched a romantic/sexy movie that got you in the mood and then come to bed with your DF?"

Nope...never. Even if I thought the actor was hot. Even soft porn does absolutely nothing for me. Hard-core is really the only way to get me aroused or steamy books(besides my DH). For me,(I know it's not the same for everyone), porn gets me soooooooooooo aroused that it's over in about two seconds. Leaves me feeling cheated somehow. DH pretty much is the same. Isn't that what it's suppose to do? So, no, movies and hot scenes, although enjoyable, are NOT enough to make me aroused. And yet... a simple couple of steamy sentences from my DH or a lustful kiss, can do me in for sure! ;-) The only difference is the arousal is more naturally progressive....not super-sonic speedy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 7:00pm
So Westie, in conclusion.....

Do you think that if we all just screwed each other out in the open, we'd all be in a better place right now? Sexually? Would porn be eradicated? Would sex become mundane...and private sex be the "rave" ;-). Think about Janet Jackson's display. It really didn't phase us much, now did it? Now 100 years ago...hmmmmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 7:07pm
good point.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 8:45pm
Yes and No. But you've taken it to the extreme; probably much as I did. :-)

>>Do you think that if we all just screwed each other out in the open, we'd all be in a better place right now?<<

No, I don't think that we would be better for it. Although there have certainly been people that have advocated that. I didn't experience the 60's but I believe that the 'free love' idea was heading that way.

What I'm saying is that if everyone better understood sex and their own sexuality that porn wouldn't be such a big deal. 'Porn' has always been around in one form or another. What is sexually offensive and unacceptable to one person, is inoffensive and acceptable to another - and even that changes depending on culture and time and place.

>>Would sex become mundane<<

Only if you're doing it wrong! No, I expect that sex would become more fulfilling and less scary or even upsetting if people were more knowledgable about it. There is certainly too much focus on the body perfect in society (and perhaps western society) and perhaps better acceptance and education would help defuse the minefield that sex is at the moment. I'm not saying that all porn and all porn use is acceptable, but I certainly think that some of it has it's place. If people better understood it's place (whatever that may be) then it would perhaps become less of an issue in many relationships.

>>Think about Janet Jackson's display.<<

My point exactly to a degree.

That was done to shock and gather attention. If people had been more relaxed about sex and bodies in general, it probably wouldn't have happened because it wouldn't have been shocking.

There's so many mixed messages out there now that it's no wonder it's all so confusing. Baywatch is OK, cable soft porn is 'OK', bare boobs in the major fashion magazine are OK if they are advertising perfume but a bare boob at Superbowl is shocking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:03pm
....but Janet's display WAS NOT SHOCKING. At least not to any of the adults I know. In fact, ...it was humourous....which is why I used it as an example. To show how immune our society is becoming to porn. Let's face it....I'm willing to bet that most children have seen hard-core porn before 10....sooooooo...what's a tit? tee hee ;-)

This next generation is inundated with porn, Westie....so in theory, they'll be well "educated" and sex should be "less" scary and more "fulfilling."

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 1:49am
"Shocking?" No. In poor taste and inappropriate? Absolutely! The Super Bowl is the wrong venue to do a raunchy dance/peep show. The audience is made up of families, seniors, children. That's what was upsetting, not a bare breast.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 1:53am
So agree. I've seen things just in porn spam that I've NEVER seen as an adult! I can only imagine what children think about sex after being exposed to this stuff so young. They're probably scared spitless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:25am
Geez, didn't think this was going to be an all out thing lol. Thanks for your advice everyone. I have learned I do NOT have to get over it or let it go. I am sitting him down tonight (the boys are going to grandmas) and I am talking to him.

Pages