This is embarrassing.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
This is embarrassing.......
76
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:59am
I don't know if I am the only one with this problem and it's really embarrassing but here goes...... Does anyone have a problem with thier husbands having porno and "pleasing" themseves while watching it? I didn't have this problem before in previous relationships but with my husband I do. I get really jealous and upset when I find out he did it. I feel like I am useless and that I don't please and there shouldn't be a need for him to do that because we have sex 5-6 times a week. I don't do it because I am totally satisfied with him. We have GREAT sex and he always O's and so do I. I just don't understand. He has told me time and time again that it has nothing to do with me, but I still feel violated because he has to hide it. When I do find porno, I usually make him get rid of it and he does. When we were first together I had NO problem with it, but here lately I do. He hides it and I know it's really no big deal, but it makes me feel like "if he hides this little stuff, what else is he hiding"

If you guys can help me, I would be much appreciative. And guys, Please give your input too.

Thanks,

Troubled,Insecure,Wife

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:58pm
>>This next generation is inundated with porn, Westie....so in theory, they'll be well "educated" and sex should be "less" scary and more "fulfilling."<<

Where on Earth do you get the idea that I am equating porn with education?

Porn is not the education that I am talking about. Porn is porn. It's not "education" any more than the soap opera "Days of Our Lives" educates people about real life and real social interaction.

Educating people about sex, sexuality and the media portrayal of sex could help minimise the damage that porn (amongst other things) causes by putting it into the context of reality and real live sexual relationships. Knowledge is power they say. If many more people (and women in particular) understood the role that normal porn use plays in a man's life then I'm sure that they wouldn't feel as upset or threatened by it.



Sure, there is extreme porn and extreme porn useage and even addiction, but I've seen so many posts on the boards over the years that it seems that many women automatically assume that their man is addicted to porn when his useage is relatively normal.

Back to Janet's boob; I can't see how you equate Janet's boob to porn. To some, certainly it was pornographic - that I understand. But I can't really see how the reaction to one boob reflects the public's acceptance of mainstream pornography.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:59pm
There have been a few times, that I have found my BF(live in) veiwing porn (on the computer). I don't find porno earth shaking in any way, but to me, he is horny. I've simply unzipped his pants, and given him oral sex in his computer chair.That ends that. Seems to me if he's going to get horny with porn, he going to want sex, and I'll make certaine it's with me. It's going to come my way in an hour or so anyways.There isn't a thing in the porn world, we haven't done anyways, accept share partners...at that point, he can watch it in his porn. I've no interest in that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:24am
"Back to Janet's boob; I can't see how you equate Janet's boob to porn. To some, certainly it was pornographic - that I understand. But I can't really see how the reaction to one boob reflects the public's acceptance of mainstream pornography."

Most of the "kids" that I know thought it was funny and ridiculous too, NOT erotic or pornographic. It shows their desensitization to nudity. You're looking at it from a puritan view, I'm looking at it from the "New Kid on the Block" view. Fifty years ago, if a child knew that they would see a boob on a hot star, they'd all be hungry for the erotic display, whereas the kids of today would probably rather play video games. tee hee The "public" being the next generation....and each succession...and each succession becoming more and more desensitized.

"Porn is not the education that I am talking about. Porn is porn. It's not "education" any more than the soap opera "Days of Our Lives" educates people about real life and real social interaction."

But it is. If a ten year old stumbles on a woman fellating a horse or a dog having intercourse with a human, then they learn about beastiality. They may even begin to have fantasies.

"Educating people about sex, sexuality and the media portrayal of sex could help minimise the damage that porn (amongst other things) causes by putting it into the context of reality and real live sexual relationships. Knowledge is power they say."

Are you insinuating that "normal" relationships don't consist of the same things that porn does? That's insulting. In fact, one thing porn doesn't teach is that sex between loving couples is far more satisfying.

"If many more people (and women in particular) understood the role that normal porn use plays in a man's life then I'm sure that they wouldn't feel as upset or threatened by it."

I consider my DH normal, and he rarely uses porn(although he did when he was young). I attributed it to maturity. Many people will claim that porn is the "symptom" not the "cause", but that's not always the case. Go to the "Families Damaged by Porn" board here on IV and you will see that these women accepted porn into their marriages, and there are no other problems, EXCEPT for their SO's addiction. It an happen...sex is pleasurable, and I think that there's a thin line between self-sex and partner-sex. It's scary to even the most "normal" of marriages. I think that there is just a difference of opinion in what is acceptable between man and woman....and both need to decide porn's place.



"Sure, there is extreme porn and extreme porn useage and even addiction, but I've seen so many posts on the boards over the years that it seems that many women automatically assume that their man is addicted to porn when his useage is relatively normal."

That's your POV. A man who looks at porn twice a day, every day, may be considered an addict by one woman, and perfectly "normal" by another. If we talk about dependency, then we would have to agree that all men who view porn are addicts, because they can't stop. Binge alcoholics don't drink every day, but they're still addicts. If a smoker smokes a few cigarettes a week, they're still an addict because they can't stop.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:30pm
<<

Porn or magazine- no I don't get offended. I usually watch the porn with him.

I would be offended if he talked to another girl on line in a chat room or something,and got aroused because it was with a live person, I would feel that was cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 4:42am
>>>"Back to Janet's boob;<<<

>>It shows their desensitization to nudity.<<

Maybe their understanding of sex and sexual behaviour has helped them in this situation? Undoubtedly it won't help in every situation they come across. And Yes, I believe they are being desensitized to many things too; but in this one example the children may have understood and analysed it correctly.

>>>"Porn is not the education that I am talking about.<<

>>But it is. If a ten year old stumbles on a woman fellating a horse...they learn about beastiality<<

Again, my point exactly. Obviously exposure to porn will create certain impressions. 'Teaching' them as you put it. If they were educated properly about this sort of thing (God only knows how you'd teach a child about this sort of thing, but that's a whole different matter) then when they DID come across it they would be able to put into context and at least have an understanding of how it fits (or doesn't fit) into the scheme of things in real life. Teach people about real social situations and they won't be as easily misled by "Days of Our Lives"

>>>"Educating people about sex, sexuality and the media portrayal of sex could help minimise the damage that porn causes<<<

>>Are you insinuating that "normal" relationships don't consist of the same things that porn does?<<

Not quite sure where you're coming from with that. Of course porn has sex in it, just as normal relationships do. But real life sex is completely different from porn sex. I think that we actually agree about this.

Again, if people were more educated and aware of the discrepancy between porn sex and real sex they would be better able to understand that real life is not a porn movie and that not all women should/can look like Baywatch girls/guys.

>>If we talk about dependency, then we would have to agree that all men who view porn are addicts,<<

Dependancy is difficult with this one. Dependancy implies that men that use porn are addicted to the porn. Whereas they have found something that provides an, ummm..., outlet for their sex drive and libido. They are not really addicted, but they certainly are driven by their hormones and natural sex drive. I would see a normal addiction to regular addictive substances as being caused by the substance itself - eg. nicotine, caffine, alcohol, drugs. Porn itself isn't addictive. And I'm sure that a man that views porn regularly but only in small amounts a couple of times a week is probably not addicted.

I think that it's a more complicated relationship than normal addictions and you need to be cautious about simply classing it as an addiction.

>>If a smoker smokes a few cigarettes a week, they're still an addict because they can't stop.<<

The nicotine causes severe withdraw symptoms, but porn withdrawal is probably brought on by the man's own sex drive demanding a release. With smoking, the longer the body goes without exposure to nicotine the more the system cleans itself out. But with sex drive, the longer the system goes without exposure (or release) the more the libido increases.

I'm not presenting any answers to this, and I'm certainly no expert on addiction, but I am absolutely sure that it's not as simple as it may first appear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 10:36am
"The nicotine causes severe withdraw symptoms, but porn withdrawal is probably brought on by the man's own sex drive demanding a release. With smoking, the longer the body goes without exposure to nicotine the more the system cleans itself out. But with sex drive, the longer the system goes without exposure (or release) the more the libido increases.

I'm not presenting any answers to this, and I'm certainly no expert on addiction, but I am absolutely sure that it's not as simple as it may first appear."

But porn is not only used to relieve, it's used to incite, when there's no arousal whatsoever. In other words, the natural process of a person's libido is changed. Many use porn to incite something that's not there with normal everyday living.




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