Engaged but playing with other guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Engaged but playing with other guy
5
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:46pm

I've been with my fiance for 6.5 years and we are reasonably happy - we've planned a 7/06 wedding :)
I met a man, a work contact, whom lives in another country, about 6 hours away!!!
The moment I met him, I felt the sparks...he is drop dead gorgeous (dark hair, green eyes about 5'10 and built, mmmm) and smart.
We've been exchanging email at work...not work related, either, but a more "adult" type of conversation...
This man knows how to push my buttons and he does it sooo well. He has a girlfriend...and isn't interested in any type of relationship but does want to pursue a 'sleepover'. He is willing to meet me anywhere to have one night of passion.
I'm conflicted...I would never want to hurt my fiance or jeopardize our relationship, but I want this man sooooo bad....my body just aches for him.

My problem is:

a)Why do I feel sooo guilty for having these feelings? I know I'd never act on them.
b)Are these feelings wrong?
c)Would it be horrible of me to pursue this before I get married? (I know the answer to this, If there was a way to not hurt my fiance and play with this man I would...I don't have a clue how to go about it.)

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it or how did you stop thinking about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:01pm

What do you value more:

a)The relationship you've built with your fiance for 6.5 years?
b)Being used as a one-night stand and then forgotten?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:11pm
There lies the problem...I know that I could never get over the guilt or the hurt I'd cause my fiance - I really love him.
I just want to play.
I'm worried that if I don't do it now, I may regret it later or worse - resent my fiance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:18pm
You love your fiance but you lust for another man. Don't do it. Yes you may be strongly attracted to this other man but all he is looking for is a one night stand. You would more than likely lose your fiance and be left single. You may never meet another guy with whom you want to marry and have major regrets. Try picturing yourself in your fiance's shoes. How would you feel if he came to you with something like this? Probably not so hot. Plus what if you ended up pregnant etc. from this man. I am assuming you don't know much about him. He could have disease or something. If I were you I would not do this. It's a train wreck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:20pm

I wish I knew what to tell you. I am in the same boat but already married. This is the absolute worst advice I could give but if you think you can have sex with this man without allowing feelings to get in the way than go for it. Have you ever heard people say that there is a food you can eat that will dramatically slow down your sex life? It's called wedding cake! I say get it out of your system but be careful, my problem is that both me and my "secret friend" have let feelings get involved and now we are in a huge mess plus we work together and my husband is the President of the company.

I wish you luck, if I had the chance before I got married to get every last inhibition out of my system, I would like to say I would not have done it but I would probably be lying.

HTH.

Loveless_gidget

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:26pm

I think that it's a dilemma that many people face from time to time. Maybe not always to the extent that you have gotten involved, but certainly plenty of people find another person that they have a connection with and have to make a decision whether or not to pursue it at the expense of their current relationship.

Perhaps part of the reason that you are so interested in this guy is that you know that soon you will be married and tied down. Perhaps you're rebelling against that and are more interested than you otherwise would be?

>>a)Why do I feel sooo guilty<<

That's simple. You're meant to be marrying another man yet you find that you want to cheat on him. In fact, some would say that you already have because you would if you could if you could guarantee that your fiance would never find out. It's not you that's stopped yourself from cheating, it's simply lack of opportunity. Of course you feel guilty.

>>b)Are these feelings wrong?<<
Wrong in what way? They're wrong if you want to remain faithful to your partner, but I don't think that they're un-natural. What makes them right or wrong is how you deal with them and what you choices you make.

>>c)Would it be horrible of me to pursue this before I get married?<<
How would you feel if I told you that your fiance actually felt the same way as you and has been having casual sex with that cute blonde rep at work?
Would you like it if the positions were reversed? Really?

Yes, it would be horrible for you to pursue it before you are married. If this happens now, your not going to feel any different after you are married and the opportunity could arise after you are married. Maybe even with a completely different guy. What do you do then? Pursue the opportunity then too?

You just have to work through this and remind yourself why you are getting married. If you DO choose to pursue this then you should do the "honorable" thing and accept that you are not ready to commit to one person and break off the engagement.
It would help to stop contacting this other guy immediately and completely. Write him a short email and tell him thank you, you have very flattered by the attention and enjoyed it but it's time to stop it completely. There will be no more emailing like the two of you have been doing.