Engaging in Multiple Play

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Engaging in Multiple Play
4
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 9:10am

Hi everyone!

I am looking for some opinions or even experiences with this... My husband and I have a great relationship. We have been married for 6 wonderful years and are looking to take our awsome sex life to another level. We were interested in meeting other couples. We are not looking for group sex, just having them watch and us watch them. Having sex and or only foreplay in the same room maybe even video taping it (us not them since thats a whole other issue and don't want any law suits) :). There would not be any switching of partners or anything like that. Do people do this? How is it? Where did you meet them? Where can you meet them? How do you approach it? Does this sound right? Is this normal? We are looking to find out more information on it.

What did it do for your relationship? If you have had an experience with this please email me, if you have an opinion I would love to hear it too!

Thank you!
Tammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 9:52am

No experience with it here but yes, there are couples


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 10:12am

Hi and welcome.

At the outset, you might want to repost this question in the Open Relationship section of the Taboo board. You are likely to find more experienced responders there.

What you are describing is generally referred to as "soft swinging." Soft swinging takes on many forms. I'd say the majority of couples into this level of shared intimacy draw the line at intercourse. So they will mutually engage in all manner of foreplay up to and including oral sex. However, there are certainly a number of couples who are into just the watching and being watched. So, the short answer to your first question is, yes there are people who do that.

How is it? Well, we are a full swap couple, not soft swap (this means we don't draw that line). As with all things, we have had some really good experiences and some not so good experiences. The really good experiences have been very hot! However, shared intimacy is not right for everyone. As a couple, you need to have very open communication. Society tends to make us confuse love and desire. I believe very strongly that you can really love your partner and enjoy a wild sexual time with both them and others. Still, you will find a greater percentage of society disagrees. In the final analysis, the experience will be as good or as bad as you choose to make it. After all, sex and sexuality is mostly in your head anyway.

Where did you meet them/where can you meet them. We met our first couple through an on line ad. Couples of all types and all levels of shared intimacy can be found through on line sites these days. Just google swingers ads and a whole bunch of sites will pop up. The good ones allow for basic memberships for free. However, you will likely want to subscribe if you are really ready to do this (because of greater access to information or means of communicating).

A word of caution. All is not what it seems on line. There are a large number of "lurkers" out there (generally single males or married males not participating with their wives) who get their jollies pretending to be couples. To find a good match, you will need to invest time making contacts and setting meetings.

The alternative to on line ads is going to a local swing club. These clubs generally come in two varieties (depending upon the laws in your area). There are on premise clubs that allow for sexual play on premise and off premise clubs that merely provide a venue for meeting like minded couples. In addition to clubs, local swinger groups will periodically host meet and greets generally at public bars, etc. Clubs and groups can also be located (with a little effort) through on line searches. Some clubs are better than others. So, do your homework!

Frankly, if we had to do it over again, we probably would go to a club or meet and greet. At a club or M&G you will meet real people who at least have some interest in playing (even if they are just exploring the options same as you). No one is going to pressure you into doing anything that you don't want to do (although some may choose not to play with you because of your restrictions). But, I have found that the couples who are active in this area are generally very, very social (seems like it would be a requirement). So, most couples will enjoy a chat with you even if there is no interest in actually playing. If you go to a club or M&G, bring an open mind and a social attitude (even if you are certain that you don't want to play). If you do, you will have a good time.

How do you approach it? You approach it by first having a very long and detailed conversation with your significant other. I think it is normal to have a certain amount of apprehension. But, in my view, you both have to examine your individual ideas of love and commitment in a relationship. Then you have to set rules and live by them. Be realistic about your rules. One of the things that most experienced couples will want to know is what your rules are. So, you need to know what your rules are and be in complete agreement about them.

Does this sound right? I don't know about right or wrong. Lots of people are doing it--some with success and others without. Much depends upon what you choose to bring to the experience.

Is this normal? I think most individuals and couples at one time or another have fantasies about engaging in sex play outside their committed relationship. However, acting on those fantasies (at least as a couple) is not mainstream.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 3:52am

Hi Tammy,

Glad to hear that the two of you want to take your relationship to the next step. My husband and I have done a few threesomes before and can give you some insight into this area. From the sounds of it you are looking for a situation that would be considered a "soft swing" and meeting other couples who "soft swing" is not all that difficult. However you will find that many who will "soft swing" with you will try to push into a full swap as you get to know them more. There is nothing wrong with doing a full swap provided that is what the two of you want and if it is not, then you will need to stand your ground on this topic.

I have a few suggestions for you to help you along the way. Before actively looking for another couple take some time to discuss with your husband some contingency plans (what ifs) regarding your upcoming search. Include in the discussion what, if any, circumstances would the two of agree to a full room swap and the type of couple the two of you want to play with (e.g. an experienced couple or a couple starting out like the two of you). The reason for this discussion is twofold. First as I have previously stated, I do not think you will have much difficult finding a couple to play with you but if you opt to play with a more experienced couple I do believe the two of you may face pressure to participate in a full swap. The second reason is to get in the habit of regularly reviewing your boundaries and getting in the habit of negotiating how your boundaries are defined. It is my feeling that your boundaries are a bit rigid and it is okay to get your "feet wet". However it is my feeling after playing with the same couple a few times your boundaries may become a hamper to the experience growing. Plus if you play with many different couples your boundaries may discourage many from playing with you. For the two of you I feel it will become a balancing act between how firmly you want to stick with your boundaries versus how much the two of you want to play.

Another suggestion would be before any play happens take the time to discuss your boundaries with the other couple and make sure you take the time to go into detail regarding what activities you will find acceptable. This goes without saying, they need to understand your boundaries and the two of you need to understand theirs. It is ill advised to jump into this type of situation without first discussing your boundaries.

My final suggestion is after any encounters make sure the two of take the time to discuss the evening and work through any issues. This includes talking about any modifications to your boundaries and any miscommunication that may have occurred. The reason is to make sure any issues are brought to the surface, discussed, and resolved. Another reason for this improving communication so that the two of you develop a history and understand how each other feels about what is occurring. It is through communication and openess that a situation like this allows a relationship to grow.

Now to the question of where to find willing couples. There are many places you can look. Swingers clubs are a good starting point. You can go to a room and have other couples watch the two of you. It is a good idea before going that you contact the club and find out their policies.

Another option is placing online ads on several sites. The advantage to this is it allows you to progress at your own pace and find someone you feel that could be compatible with you before actually meeting them. However the disadvantages include single men masquerading as a couple, couples who reply to any ad without actually reading it, time wasters (those who agree to meet but never show up), and you may have to read several hundred replies before finding one that meet your needs. If you do decide to opt for this option make sure you are very specific about what you are wanting and how you define soft swing. Also be clear about how far you are willing to travel for a meet and also be specific about the type of couple you want to meet. The more specific and clear you are about the type of couple you are wanting the more targeted your replies will be and this will minimize replies that do not meet your need.

The other areas you could try but I suspect the time needed to be successful could be quite long. Bars, clubs, magazines, and maybe newspapers might a place to look. Again be specific about what you are wanting and your limits.

The two things areas I do encourage couples not to include in their search are friends and co-workers. Reason being is once the topic is brought up your relationship with them will forever change. Co-workers are especially a bad idea if you work with them or have some supervisory responsibilities. This can make a very difficult and complicated situation worse. It is best to keep this part of your life separate from your personal life and treat it as another aspect of your relationship.

Finally, I would encourage in your search and discussion is reviewing other opportunities to meet similar minded people. This might mean inviting a single male instead of a couple. Single males tend to be more readily available than couples and it might make your search time a bit shorter. It could also mean discussing things like dogging. Dogging is a British term meaning having sex in semi-private area where others can watch. An example could be a scenic or isolated location where couples congregate for a romantic time. It is a popular activity in the UK but the locations are not widely known. Plus dogging has its own unique risks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 9:57am
Great reply!