Is this erectile dysfunction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Is this erectile dysfunction?
5
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:40pm

Hi, I am new to this particular board, but do post on some of the others. I have recently started dating someone new about 2 months ago. We have not slept together, but have participated in other activities. We did try to have sex once, but my partner was unable to obtain an erection. However, he is capable of obtaining one via other stimulation (oral, manual). He does seem to need some additional stimulation to initiate an erection, but once he has one, is able to keep it and reach orgasm. It was the one time that we tried to have sex that he was unable to achieve one at all. He kind of made a joke and said it was "performance anxiety". We really are very attracted to each other and our personalities mesh very well, so I don't think that it has anything to do with not feeling connected to me. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

I am ready to take our relationship to the next level, but am concerned with this problem and to be honest, do not know the best way to handle it if and when it should happen again. Also, it might be important to mention that we discussed our sexual histories and it turns out I have slept with more people than he has (his number is fairly low to be in his 30's). I was wondering if he has concerns that I have more experience than him - could this be part of the problem, or if he has only slept with a few people because he does have this problem. We are so good everywhere else - we just need to move past the high school make-out sessions. Any thoughts on if this is erectile dysfuntion, how to discuss it with him (or if I should bring it up at all), and just the situation in general would be welcome (and needed!).

Thanks,
Ceebs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:56pm

ED is repeatedly not being able to get an erection and/or keep an erection.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:57pm
id say its all mental with him....try getting him erect orally and then immediately move to intercourse..see if that works...ed would effect all erections
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:31pm

He told you exactly what the problem is.....it's "performance anxiety", nothing more. It's not uncommon for it to happen the first time out, or even a few times. What you should do about it, or say about it, is NOTHING. That will just make it worse. Then it becomes a "self-fulfilling prophecy"....the more he worries about it, the more it happens.

Maybe he is intimidated by your "experience" which is ridiculous. No matter how many men you've been with, every new man is a new learning experience. In the future, don't give numbers, it's not necessary. All any man needs to know is that you're not a virgin. The "numbers" are no one's business but your own.

Just be patient with him....allow him enough time to be relaxed and confident, and he'll be just fine. ED means a man can't get an erection in any way at all. He gets them, but only when he's not nervous.




Edited 4/18/2005 4:36 pm ET ET by greenteabag
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:42pm

Performance anxiety can happen to any man, any age, at any time. In other words, it is totally normal for a man to be concerned about pleasing a partner and have that concern affect his erection.

It is also quite normal for a man to need stimulation to become erect, particularly, once he is out of his teens.

Women can have the same anxiety but because we are able to have sex without being aroused, it isn't so apparent to our partner.

This is a new relationship so don't make an issue out of this one-time incident.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 6:17pm

I always wince when I see people throwing the term "erectile disfunction" around just because a guy has had a problem getting it up, or keeping it up, once or twice. By using that term you can make a mountain out of a molehill.

The problem that your b/f is having is not uncommon. He is still getting to know you and he's probably just a little nervous. Yes, knowing that you've had more partners than him might make him feel either uncomfortable or a little bit more nervous. And at the end of the day if you are trying to get aroused and feel nervous or uncomfortable there is a very good chance that your body won't come to the party and you'll have trouble getting it up. A penis can be a very sensitive barometer of emotions and comfort levels.

I really wouldn't worry about it at this stage. If a pattern starts developing then Yes, there might be more of a problem. But at this stage the worst thing that you can do is to get worried about it and express your concerns to him because he'll only feel more pressure to perform next time - and Yes, you've guessed it, the pressure will make it even more difficult to perform.