Erectile dysfunction, dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Erectile dysfunction, dealbreaker?
13
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 2:13pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We're very much in love. We've been talking about getting married - and I know more than anything I want to spend my life building a life with him. We have one constant issue in our relationship however. Since we first met, he's struggled with erectile dysfunction. He says it first started at the end of his last relationship. He's seen a doctor and takes Viagra. However, it doesn't always help. He seems to believe its a mental issue - he fears failure because it's happened so many times and when that happens we can't well you know. When we first met I was a virgin. Though he is doing the things recommended to overcome this issue, I fear he won't and I will never experience that mind-blowing sexual experience so many talk of. Anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to overcome this mental block he talks of?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:52pm
Does he know why he has this mental block, what is going on emotionally with

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:24pm

I have no physical ED problems, but I have had the experience.

In a past relationship, my friend and I lived 22 miles apart. After work on Friday, I would rush home, shower and dash to my friend's house. We both lived in Detroit suburbs (very heavy traffic area), and there are no expressways between her home and mine. The longest distance between traffic lights was one mile, more commonally 1/2 mile. The commute was a frustrating 70 minutes. When I would arrive, she would be waiting and want immediate action, normally my fantasy. I was flustered from the commute, and could not handle it. This situation made new frustrations and conflicts and the relationship ended. I have no ED problem except when under tension.

Could this type of thing be a factor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:35am

Hi jessica... I suffer from occasional E.D. not sure cause..... I know with my ex-wife, she started remembering bouts of being abused as a child by her father about one year into our marriage. We would be making love... and all of a sudden she would clench up and freeze. At that point, we never talked about it so although i never heard it from her mouth, I knew something was wrong. Eventually as I said, about a year into the marriage, we started to talk about it and she came clean that she was remembering things... I moved out to the couch at her request until she could figure this out. I was 20 at the time and still a NEWLYWED!!
For 5 years, I slept on the couch with absolutely no sex except masturbation. One day... she came to me and said she thought it was time for a baby... I laughed at her and told her I thought it was time for a divorce!! It was the first time that word was mentioned and she broke down and cried. She had been in therapy that whole five years and I felt like I had done everything to support her and was not seeing any progres.. I am leaving out a lot but never the less.... we talked it out... decided we would make a go of it and decided to have a baby. Well... 3 attempts later... she gets pregnant. ALL OF A SUDDEN she is afraid having sex will hurt the baby. I gave up at that point. I was kicked to the couch again. Never had sex with her again... we were married 12 years. I have a beautiful son to show for it... and my ex and I are great friends now. She just could not get over what happened to her no matter how much support she got... and she had all kinds of support systems in place.

Anyways.... When I met my wife Chelle... I was afraid to have sex because i had started having problems just masturbating.... well it took 3 months of her pleasuring me orally and me vise versa with her before she climbed aboard one morning while I was still asleep.
I woke up to her going to town on me and never had a chance to think about it. I balled like a big baby when it was all over. I cant believe I am throwing all this out here. We have been married for 7 years now and still have sex nightly... YES... I am an occasional user of Viagra... YES... it sometimes does not work like it should... but we always manage to finish somehow.... Sex is not going to be BELLS AND WHISTLES and lights and sirens every time out.. There are too many variables involved... stress, fatigue, whatever....
If you love the guy..... work it out.... Help him.... wheather or not it is mental or whatever... it is a very humiliating thing for a man. I am kind of embarrassed to even be telling my story right now. Hang in there and work it out. If Viagra does work for him occasionally, then those are the nights you will feel like you can have those mind blowing experiences you talk of. Also... let him know that a penis is only one of his weapons in his arsonal ... if he has fingers and a tongue... you CAN STILL have that mind blowing experience... Sex is more than what you read about or see in a movie. It does not always go according to plan. If you guys can get to a point where you can laugh about it and not feel disappointed... he will most likely relax and soon will be over that problem if it is truelly mental. He might be sensing a little disapointment on your end when it happens and I can guarentee you that if he does.... he wont be able to recover at that point. Your best bet is to let him know how much he does please you and how good EVERYTHING feels and try talking to him out of the bedroom when he is not so anxious. I wish you nothing but Good Luck!!! I hope someone else here can give you some advice as well. As an inexperienced person yourself, you are doing the right thing by asking here. Hopefully you will get some advice that can really help you out.. Let me know if you have any questions.... I have been there and still occasionally do..... Good Luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:18am

First of all, viagra isn't going to help if the problem is emotional. And if it started at the end of his last relationship, then probably she did something to make him feel inadequate, or emasculated. So now, he's hung up over that.

If you were a virgin when you started with him, then unfortunately, maybe you don't realize that there is a lot a man can do for a woman without an erection....and maybe he doesn't know it either! If you two are constantly agonizing over it, it's only making matters worse. What he needs to do is concentrate on giving you pleasure, orally or manually, and you can have that "mind blowing" experience that "everyone is talking about"! If he gets an erection, fine, if he doesn't....it's not the end of the world. Maybe next time. If he concentrates more on giving YOU pleasure, he'll feel more like a man, and he'll eventually get over it.

If he can't get over it, then maybe he needs some counselling to fix whatever was done to him emotionally in his last relationship.

PS: The most "mind blowing" sex I ever had didn't involve intercourse at all....it involved a combination of oral and manual "g" spot stimulation at the same time. If my partner had ED, it wouldn't bother me in the least, because he knows plenty of other things he can do for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 8:02am

My SO has the same problem, and intellectually, I know it isn't me, but I still blame myself. If I were younger, or thinner, or sexier, or SOMETHING, the "mind-blowing" sex we used to have would still be happening. He hasn't tried Viagra (at least with me), and he is under considerable stress at work, so I don't know that it would help.

It's getting so sex is just too much work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:27am
Hi blackhillsgold!! Has your SO been to a doctor for this? If this is a true medical condition... who knows, viagra may just help. But he should never try it before seeing a physican first. He may have an underlying medical problem that makes it unhealthy for him. That said, if he has had this problem for awhile, and doc says it is ok, one of the ED drugs may be of a BIG help. Also, the stress he is under at work, is very likely to be an issue too. Lots of men who are under a great deal of stress experience bouts of ED. Stress is a big sex killer for us. if he has had a problem for awhile a checkup is not a BAD thing. And could very well be a solution. Does this happen quite alot to him? Is it usually after a bad day??? Good Luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:49am

Thanks for your reply...yes, it has been going on for roughly six months. He's talked about trying the Viagra thing, but talk is as far as it goes. I don't know if this is relevant,but he's 62, a smoker; and combined with his stress level, I can understand if sex would take a backseat. Weeks can go by without any initiating on his part, and when I try, (and I try EVERYTHING), it usually fails.

I am 48, in pretty good shape, and VERY "loving." As I said, intellectually, I KNOW it isn't me, but it sure feels like it. After a while, it isn't worth the effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:16pm
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you for sharing your story- I'm sure it wasn't easy. I try to be supportive and not let it get me down, but now and again it does. I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong. He assures me it has nothing to do with me, and I do believe him - I know how much he loves me. I also realize how lucky I am in that he is willing to be open with me about it and talk about it. Everything you said, about needing to help him relax, sometimes focusing on other ways to please each other, is exactly the same thing my boyfriend says - it just helps to hear it from others who have gone through this. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:29pm

As the others have said, Viagra is actually for treating a physical problem and isn't really going to help if it is a mental problem. Funnily enough though, it may have a placebo effect when it seems to work some of the time. He thinks that taking it will give him an erection and his brain lets him get an erection....

I think that the two of you should sit down and talk about this. It does sound like a mental problem and it's something that he has to work through. I think that if he fears failure then you should remove the goal posts so that he can't fail. At this point, avoid intercourse. If you aren't going to have intercourse, he can't fail. Keep having sex - use manual sex, oral sex, sex toys and whatever else it takes to get you having orgasms and to keep you satisfied. Just because he isn't getting the erections doesn't mean that you should avoid sex entirely. If he can have orgasms from oral sex or handjobs or whatever then give them to him. But avoid intercourse even if he seems to be getting erections. There are PLENTY of things that he can do to give you a good time. Tell him that if he finds that he does get an erection and wants intercourse and feels ready for it to just do it - he has to make the move when he feels ready though. You leave it up to him and let him know that it's his move if he wants intercourse.

I'd give this a couple of months trial and see how it goes. If it's still not working after that I think that you'd need to consider some therapy from more professional sources.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 4:38pm
westridge... I was going to say the same thing... Also... with the different degrees of ED... it can end up helping even if it is more mental. Say if it does still work BUT doesnt respond as fast as it used to... alot of men will start to worry about that. I KNOW that is most of my problem... the viagra will help as far as responding... and make someone feel more confident when it comes to sex... of course it is a double edged sword and can work the opposite way and make someone feel like they HAVE to use it to have sex.... Everybody is different... but it is definitely a valuable option..... under a physican's care...

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