Erectile dysfunction question

Avatar for memphisstars
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Erectile dysfunction question
6
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 1:09pm
I am dating a 41 year old guy who cannot sustain an erection long enough for intercourse, but he can become hard and ejaculate by hand and with oral sex. He explains his "dysfunction" by the fact that he drinks and smokes, and indicates he has had it awhile. It is also much easier for him to perform in the morning.
I know the best thing for him to do is get a complete physical, but I am wondering if this is erectile dysfunction or could be more psychological, since he can perform for everything but intercourse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:01pm

Erectile dsyfunction is often an indicator of narrowing of the arteries, which restricts blood flow all over, not just to the heart. From his life style it sounds like this is the case. Alcohol also has atendancy to destroy male hormones, and it's harder for the body to replace those as it gets older.

Frankly, if I had to choose between sex and drinking and/or smoking there would be no choice, sex would win hands down.

Viagra and such might help, but he should view this as his body warning him that he has serious problems, and he should take steps before it's too late. It sounds like he is heading for cornary problems and/or stroke.

Also, once he does successfully have intercourse with you, he may find it easier each succeeding time.

I would suggest that he take a serious look at his life style, though.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 4:41pm

I think it could definitely be psychological, however, vaginal stimulation is very different than oral or manual stimulation. So, it's possible that he can't stay erect during intercourse because he isn't getting the stimulation he's trained himself to respond to.

There are many possible reasons for ED though. Past sexual abuse, which could lead to psychological problems with performing a certain way or act. The smoking & drinking could have SOME effect on the blood supply but if he can perform other ways and in the mornings, than that's less likely the cause.

Is it possible that he masturbates very frequently and has just trained himself to respond to very specific types of stimulation which you simply can't replicate with vaginal stimulation? I think you should ask him about that. And even suggest that he stop masturbating completely for a while to see if there is improvement.

OF course, he may just not enjoy intercourse as much as oral/manual stimulation, which would be another reason why he can't stay erect.

Definitely suggest the checkup to rule out a physical cause but he's still a young man and the likelihood of narrowing arteries at his age is doubtful unless he has a family history of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 6:04pm

And yet another opinion......He's making excuses! If he can get and maintain an erection to masturbate, and from oral sex, then there is NOTHING physically wrong with him. It is psychological/emotional. Maybe it's just too new a relationship for him to be comfortable with you....but then he wouldn't be comfortable with oral, or in the morning.

Drinking and smoking don't cause "occasional" problems. Drinking to excess will cause a problem while drinking, but not usually if they're sober. A real alcoholic, YES, they will eventually be unable to get erections, but again, that would be ALL erections. Smoking.....well smoking gets blamed for EVERYTHING. My SO is 71, and he smokes like a chimney. NOT good for many reasons, but he has NEVER had an erection problem.

Whatever his real problems are, as the other poster said, if drinking and smoking were really a problem, most men would give up both really fast if it meant no more sex!

Getting a physical is always a good thing for any man at any age....particularly if they haven't had one in a long time. But, no good doctor is going to prescribe Viagra for this kind of thing, because he doesn't have true ED.....and there are too many dangerous side effects. I know of one man who had a similar problem, and the doctor gave him a small prescription.....just as a kind of temporary "crutch".....to prove to the man that he COULD do it. I never heard the end of the story, if it really helped him.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 7:25pm

hmmmm...thank you all. I will definitely encourage him to get a physical. I have not wanted to make this a big issue psychologically, but after two months, I would like some insight.

He is not just being lazy or getting his way in this, because he gets very frustrated when he attempts it. He keeps apologizing, saying it is not me and that I turn him on 110 percent. He seems very comfortable with me. I think it may be that he is just used to doing it himself, since he has been single a while, and is having a hard time making the switch back to a woman. What do you all think? I was with another man who said he had been alone so many years, he was just used to the way he did it and had real trouble when he was with a woman. Is this a common occurence? I will broach this idea, too. I don't see how my BF could be fooling me about this; I have seen it with my own eyes! There is no chance of pregnancy, so I can't imagine what psychological issues there could be.

I know you all can't either, but I appreciated your insight. Seems like "we" will have to have a little talk about it. Any more suggestions would be welcome.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:50pm

I agree, more communication is a must and will only give you more insight into his problem, and that's good.

But I think it IS a common occurance, that people become used to their own way of stimulating themselves and then find it takes time to UNlearn what they've become used to once they're with a partner again. As I suggested, just ask him to take a break from masturbation for awhile and see if that helps. Certainly couldn't hurt.

The more you learn about him, the better you'll be able to connect, in bed and out.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:25pm

A couple I know was having issues getting pregnant and they discovered during their fertility testing that he had varicose viens down there and I think they did surgery to correct it. We never discussed erections or sex, but I would think that if vien damamge can affect fertility, it can affect erections. And it's a known medical fact that both smoking and drinking affect the viens.

It could also be a mixure of physical, mental and lack of females. I was amazed to discover that one male friend didn't do intercourse. He was early 50s and explained it this way: During dating "sex" was taboo, but she would do oral and oral they both did. Well after 3-4 years of just oral (being 17-20), once they were married he couldn't get it up for intercourse, or IC just didn't get him off. But show him an open mouth and he was hard in minutes. Then as he aged, he found he preferred 'large' woman and by the time I knew him, only BBW got him hard, but again only for oral.

I don't know how much Viagra has changed how the medical field detects ED, but in the early 80s they used to give out a strip which would be strapped tight around the penis at bedtime and if it was broke in the morning that indicated that the penis was able to get erect and that the erection issue was more mental than physical.

Good luck and hope you both can overcome it and enjoy each other fully!