erection and ejaculation issues
Find a Conversation
erection and ejaculation issues
| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:16am |
Hi,
I have been seeing a man in his 40s who has not been with anyone so long.
So we needed quiet a bit of starting time for sex. He seemed to be not able to get /maintain erection ..so doc prescribed viagra. Now when he uses it he does get erection..but he doesnt seem to be wanting to/finishing even by himself. Once he has erection, he seems scared of moving much ..says he is scared if he will loose erection . I convinced him I dont care about all this.I enjoy being with him even without erections.
what could be the issue. His testosterone level is border line but not low.
He still is anxious about performance. What can be done?

Pages
It's obvious that his problem is more psychological than physical. He's got "performance anxiety" and he's worrying about it too much.
Maybe the best thing would be to just lay off the sex for a while, until HE's ready mentally to give it a try again. Or, just try everything BUT intercourse. If he understands women's bodies, he should know that a woman can be satisfied orally or manually....and intercourse isn't as important to her as it is to him. If he just relaxes, and takes care of you, and sees that YOU'RE happy, maybe he can proceed.
If he doesn't understand it.....then teach him about it. You can also give him oral pleasure, even if he doesn't get an erection or want to finish. If he can understand that intercourse is only a PART of sexual activity, maybe he'll be able to focus on everything else, and not worry so much about that.
The fact that it's a new relationship doesn't help. If you can make him comfortable about all the other aspects of sex, he might be able to relax and enjoy intercourse eventually, too.
Welcome to the board dancewithme2004.
Did he mention what the doctor said was causing the ED to begin with? Sometimes it is medical, other times it is psychological -- it can also be a combination of both.
If the Viagra is allowing him to get and maintain an erection, moving should not affect it. Sometimes my DH has trouble with ED too. If he hasn't used Viagra, and is having problems with ED, then often he will loose his erection when moving to a different position. When using Viagra, he doesn't have that problem.
my partner in the siggy exchange
Sometimes in a new relationship it takes a while to work out everything. Sometimes everything is nuclear hot and perfect right away, but not always. I don't know if it's psychological, or just that you're getting used to the slightly different way that a new lover is.
For example, in my current relationship, it took me a long time to be able to get really turned on. My last lover had a really, really filthy dirty mouth -- you'd never guess it to meet her -- and I realize it totally got me off. I just absolutely loved it. She would look me straight in the eye without the slightest worry and just talk a blue streak. The current one, even though it has come out that she has an equally dirty mind lol, doesn't talk in bed other than a few moans now and again. That's fine, but the psychological stimulation is just totally different. She has a gorgeous little body and I've learned to get my "kicks" watching it in action.
The main difference for me isn't losing an erection or whatever, but just the amount of time it would take to ejaculate. With the current gf, when I first started seeing her, it used to take me forever. The previous gf would tell me loud and clear how much she wanted it and where. The current one is just not as much of a sextrovert!
But it all works out great in the end -- people are just different. I bet that's what is going on with him. Just let him relax into it and it'll all be good.
Hi Sakura, Thanks for the reply. He does please me in other ways and I love his touch. I generally have strong sensations and even orgasm when Im on top of him and just rubbing against him. Iam surprised why he wont long for orgasm. He says it takes longer time for him even using his own hand. So he doesnt try when he is with me.
Also since Im a virgin too, his normal size feels good to me. when he is on viagra ..IT is so huge that I feel its not natural and perhaps may be hard to take in the first time?
Iam just worried about why he wont want to orgasm like other guys do. He said he wants, but he feels it takes long. Is there any solution to this delayed ejaculation issue?
Hi Misty,
Thank you for the warm welcome.
He did mention that his doc said that since he has not been with a woman long enough, and the organ is underused thatway..he may just start with viagra and after few times he may not need it.
We havent tried many times after that due to various reasons.
I feel he gets frustrated when it doesnt work. So I told him not to worry about sex and that we will just enjoy.
Yes I did tell him that he should move, as I was getting frustrated about his reactions after using viagra..lol
I really wish he was with some women before and had some experience :-)
I really love him and want to get this issue sorted out.
Hi tallguy,
Thanks for the reply. I used to wonder if he is not turned on enough by me. But he seems to be very attracted and would do anything to be with me..
Also he was ot with anyone else till now, so there is no one to really compare.
He did say that he has erections and sometime finish when he is alone. When he is with me he doesnt even try. One day I told him that I really want him to finish, even if its using his hands and he did that day.
He said that he is turned on and has the desire,, but the instrument doesnt seem to repsond well. With viagra, he has an instant erection that lasts long. but we havent learnt yet on how to use it..
Also the fact that he is very tall, doesnt help all the positions. With him on top it feels little awkward.
Viagra does last in his system for a while. He is "mentally" stopping himself from continuing until he climaxes. While it may take a while (especially with the help of Viagra) for him to get there -- he's worried that it's taking too long. He might think you don't enjoy it, or he doesn't understand why it's taking so long. At any rate, he's psyching himself out.
When my DH takes Viagra, one of the (many) benefits is that he can maintain an erection for so long. It allows us to have (literally) hours of sex without worry that he will loose his erection. He is able to cum early on and still keep going. Perhaps your guy is also creating a mental block against finishing too early, and not being able to satisfy you.
Since he hasn't been with women previously, then he is no doubt used to masturbating. He is probably trained to respond to that stimulation. He can retrain himself by skipping the masturbation and repeating the sexual activity. Like the old saying goes, doing something over and over will teach you how to do it. Once he starts having success, he should get more and more adventurous. Once he is no longer dependent on his hand for relief, he can resume occasional masturbation. Also, you can give him a hand job to finish him off while "in training". This is still changing his behavior, but perhaps will help to alleviate some of the pressure he might be feeling to perform.
my partner in the siggy exchange
He is putting a LOT of pressure on himself. He doesn't need additional pressure from you, so just LET IT GO. Of course he'd like to finish, but it's HIS CHOICE to stop and give it up.
Also, the fact that you're a virgin is probably worrying him, too! (Or frustrating him if you're insisting on remaining a virgin!) This has NOTHING to do with his attraction to you, either. It's not about you, it's about him. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be with you, and putting himself thru all this misery.
The best thing you can do is to just STOP talking about it, and let nature take it's course. At this point, he's doing the best he can, and when he gets more comfortable with you, and more relaxed with you, he'll be fine.
If and when you decide to give up your virginity, don't worry about his "size". If you have enough foreplay, and are well lubricated, it will work just fine. Of course at THAT point, you're going to be nervous too, so it would be a good idea to have some sexual lubricant handy, and use it, because nervousness can cause you to be dry. Your vaginal muscles can and will relax enough to allow him to enter you. Your vagina will open enough to allow a baby to pass thru it......and he's definitely NOT larger than a baby!
BOTH of you need to just relax, and let nature take it's course.
This is becoming very confusing. In one reply, you are indicating that he is a virgin, in another you are indicating that you are a virgin, in some you are discussing difficulties with size and position???? If you are not having sex, why is he using Viagra at all? The only need for him to have and maintain an erection is so that he can have intercourse with you.
Having been with other women will not help him have an erection. Perhaps at the age of 40, the fact that he has trouble with having sex is why he hasn't been with other women. If you are not having intercourse with him, perhaps he is not ejaculating because he fears violating you somehow. Perhaps he can't get an erection because he knows he can't use it. Many things come into play, within the mind, when sex is involved. Again, it makes NO sense for him to use Viagra if the two of you are not planning to have intercourse at that time.
my partner in the siggy exchange
What you have said is a bit confusing. Are you both actually having sex in the fullest sense of the term now? With penetration?
I agree with what most of the people here have suggested though. If you are having sex and it is new to both of you, give it some time and if he doesn't feel comfortable climaxing in you don't worry about it too much. If he feels the need to climax I am sure he will take care of it.
I had similar problems with my previous boyfriend when we first got together but it was more because he had been married to the same woman for 30 years then she passed away and he still felt like he was being disloyal to her (even though he had been widowed for 2 years). He had to use viagra for a while at first to maintain an erection. But after he realized that it didn't matter much to me if he lost his erection (he made sure I was satisfied if he did) he loosened up and within a few months of regular encounters with him he no longer needed the viagra to perform to both our satisfactions. I didn't hassle him at all about it though so I think he came to felt there was no pressure and it helped. That relationship didn't last due to our differences outside the bedroom but we are fast friends and at least I feel I helped him overcome the problems he had after he lost his wife.
Be patient and loving and things will work out. Good luck!
Pages