erection and ejaculation issues
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erection and ejaculation issues
| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:16am |
Hi,
I have been seeing a man in his 40s who has not been with anyone so long.
So we needed quiet a bit of starting time for sex. He seemed to be not able to get /maintain erection ..so doc prescribed viagra. Now when he uses it he does get erection..but he doesnt seem to be wanting to/finishing even by himself. Once he has erection, he seems scared of moving much ..says he is scared if he will loose erection . I convinced him I dont care about all this.I enjoy being with him even without erections.
what could be the issue. His testosterone level is border line but not low.
He still is anxious about performance. What can be done?

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Hi Misty,
yes we are both virgins and we both dont want to be anymore. When we started making out, he would never get erections and it bothered him . we would make out for hours and he wont get erection, so decided to see doc and got viagra. I did tell him that we dont focus on having intercourse, so that he wont be under pressure. But both of us want to try. We did try couple of positions when he had erections, but it either hurt me when he started doing something or we found the position not comfortable enough to continue.
And he was not with anyone else just because he doesnt have much social skills to go out date and he is very very shy. He never knew he would have any problems. It could be a lot psycological, and may be we need more time togather in bed..
In the beginning, I always wondered why he was single and whether is would like sex ect.. Then I figured he really likes to be close to me.. I was surprised why he wont have erections even if I touch him or try to excite him. He said he could have it easily or unexpectedly when he was alone. He did have it with me also unexpectedly (recently)..but didnt last long.
Hope to figure out things slowly.
bad thing is we are both inexperienced..so may take longer.
Hi thanks for your message. We do make out a lot.. and would like to go to next stage.
I try not to talk about it , but i can feel its in his mind when we make out. That bothers me. I hope he will slowly loosen up. I get very aroused around him,, just with his touch and can get strong feelings just rubbing against him.
also we dont know when we want to try for sure..or when the mood will strike.. so he said he would just have a small dose everyday we see.. He needs only like a pinch of it to get erection. Like 1/3 of 50 mg tablet seems to work wonders. At first he was just relieved t have erectiosn when around me.. (so using viagra helped boost his confidence a bit).just that we couldnt use any of those erections to have intercourse..of course because we both are so inexperienced and may take a while before we can actually do it.
Hi Misty,
I just wanted to add that there is more than 10 yrs age gap between us- not sure if that is causing him anxiety?
Also I have a dumb qn, does most healthy guys get erection just by making out with the woman they are attracted to? or do they have to try intentionally to get one?
I feel his problem is a lot psychological (add to that our inexperience in the department) may be we should plan on taking a short vaccation just to be around each other without work and home issues.
Thanks again for your inputs.
He's in his 40s and still a virgin? Wow ... no wonder you are both having these (actually slight) problems right now. It sure sounds like you are both on the right course. If you really care about each other I would say it will probably work out in the end.
I would suggest take time and let nature take its course. If you have tried and it hurt you then more than likely you were not lubricated enough (stress, not enough foreplay although it sounds like you should be ready, fear, all these can cause you to not be). Buy some lube and have it ready when you want to try again. THEN .. if it still hurts too much to have him enter you should have a gyno exam to see if there is a problem. Have you ever used a vibrator or a dildo inside you? If not its entirely possible that the pain came from pressure on your hymen. If you have never had anything larger than a tampon inside you then it is quite possible your hymen is intact. AND having a man enter you for the first time WILL hurt a little. But that is over quickly.
If you have any questions ... please ask away. I am willing to answer!
Hon, a man doesn't TRY to get an erection! It just happens! It really has nothing to do with "attraction" either. It's a natural response in most men. It can happen if they see porn, or sometimes for NO reason at all. If a man IS attracted to a woman, then normally he would just get an erection if they're in an intimate situation....but as in the case of your b/f.....he is having problems that are BEYOND his control. NOT getting one has nothing to do with his attraction to you.
Younger men, meaning late teens or early 20's can get several erections a day, for NO REASON at all. It's a hormone/brain thing. That's why younger men masturbate so frequently, and even older men do it, even when they're in a happy and sexual marriage.
The main sex organ of men and of women is the brain! In his case, he's probably been trying to supress erections for years, and now it's causing him problems. Conversely, sometimes men get erections at very inappropriate times, and they don't have control over that, either.
PS: Have you ever seen a gynecologist? If not, you should schedule an an appt. You MIGHT have some hymenal tissue which could be a barrier. It's not likely, but it does happen. All women over the age of 20 should have an annual checkup anyway....so have things checked out to make sure you don't have a barrier there. Then make it an annual thing.
The fact that he CAN get an erection says there is nothing physically wrong with him. What's bothering him is his nervousness, and maybe some psychological reasons. The fact that he's been a virgin this long makes me think that maybe he's got some hangups about sex....like possibly being raised by parents that taught him sex was "dirty" or "bad", and he's been supressing his desires for many years.
I'm also thinking that neither of you knows much about the physiology of the opposite sex. There is a web site that is very informative about the female body and how it works. Maybe both of you should read it together: www.the-clitoris.com
There is also a web site called www.the-penis.com which could teach you something about the male anatomy and how IT works. Check it out.
Both of you need to relax, and just allow things to happen. If you're both busy giving each other pleasure, it will cause him to forget about the erection, and eventually, it will just happen....and when it does, then you can proceed. Also, just because he gets an erection, that doesn't mean you're "ready" for intercourse. YOU need to be properly aroused and lubricated with foreplay. Since you're probably as nervous as he is, you're not going to lubricate properly either, and that's why you probably should have some sexual lubricant handy....which will make things a lot easier. In time, when you're both more relaxed about it, you won't need it, but in the beginning you should use it.
Whatever you do, do NOT force it. Let it happen naturally, when you're both in the right place mentally as well as physically. Just the fact that you're TRYING so hard is defeating the purpose.
One last thing, so that you won't be disappointed when it happens. Intercourse is wonderful, but for most women the most pleasure comes from foreplay and clitoral stimulation. For most men, THEIR pleasure comes from intercourse. Women love the emotional aspect of intercourse, but the actual physical pleasure is more from the clitoris than from the vagina.
Relax, work on the foreplay, and don't make it into a chore, or a goal. Just enjoy giving pleasure to each other.
Edited 6/6/2007 9:27 am ET by sakura2006
As far as the age difference, if he feels he is "robbing the cradle", I suppose that could give him some anxiety issues. The fact is -- you are both adults. If this is something that both of you want to do, then there should be no guilt associated with it.
I'm also leaning toward thinking that he has some sexual hangups. It's very possible to work through those, but there seems to be something deeper going on with him.
Men get erections when they become aroused. They can't always control what arouses them. If you're making out, and he's into it, then he should be getting an erection. If Viagra is necessary, then that's no big deal -- it's just a sign that there's a problem. Chances are, if the problem is psychological, then things will improve once he begins having sex successfully.
If you're having pain, then you are nervous, not aroused enough yourself, or otherwise not properly lubricated. Here's a suggestion...
Both of you should be naked, making out, enjoying oral and manual stimulation. Even if he doesn't have an erection, he should be able to enjoy this stimulation, and it may well help him obtain an erection. Since he's having trouble with erections, and you are having some pain with entry, try him on his back and you on top of him. As you're making out and being stimulated (rubbing your clitoris against any part of his body from his thigh to his mouth), you should notice you are becoming aroused. He should be aroused as well, and hopefully will have an erection. Often, an erection will lie against his stomach, and in the process of rubbing your genitals on his body, you can be rubbing along his penis as well. If there is an erection and proper lubrication, you may just find that his penis enters you with little effort at that time. It puts you in control, lessens the chance of him loosing his erection, and things might just work out.
If things don't work out, don't become discouraged. Learn to enjoy the feelings that you are sharing, and let nature take it's course.
The websites that Sakura gave you are also excellent resources. Check them out as well.
my partner in the siggy exchange
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