ex porn addiction affecting our marraige
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ex porn addiction affecting our marraige
| Sat, 07-29-2006 - 10:33am |
I have been married almost 4 years to my husband. He was 37 when we married, and this is his first marriage. We first started talking on the computer before we met. After talking a lot on the computer, one day he said he was additcted to sex. Me, being out of my first marraige for a few years (my husband cheated on me, twice), I was really missing sex, so that got my attention pretty quickly. Turns out, his addition was not SEX (being that he wasn't HAVING ANY),it was porn. He started as a young man with magazines and then went to the computer once he had access to it. I am very romantic, but also adventurous when it comes to sex. I love trying new things, and in new places. I am a bit self conscious about my body, but when I offer him to look at me, I wish he would! I feel unwanted. Our sex life is great, when we do it, but it's not frequent enough because he is usually tired. I invited him to our pool in the backyard last week after dark. I was skinny dipping. I could tell he didn't want to get in, but finally "gave in". He proceeded to gripe about it being cold and that the pool needed to be cleaned. Needless to say, I got out and came inside. We talked about it and the way it made me feel. We discussed his feelings about things like that. He loves having sex with me, but in the bed only. We've only been in the shower together once, and I got in with him. He feels like he can't look at me certain ways because of the porn. He feels like he shouldn't look at me the way he looks at other sexy women on the computer. He feels like it put me in the catagory with them or something. I need help with any ideas to get him to feel like he CAN look at me...all of me. Sex can, and needs to be new and exciting. It's OK to make love on a blanket in the backyard, or to fool around naked in the pool. I love my husband very much, and am very happy with him, I just know that if I can get him to "come out of his shell"...wow, it really will be awesome! Please help!

Him saying that he has problems because of what he USED to do.....is like those who say they can't trust their partner because an ex cheated on them. If the porn is in his past, then it should stay there.
It's pretty obvious that he's got some issues with sex. If he was 37 and never married, and had no sexual outlet other than porn, that's not "normal". Somehow, someway, whether it was his family's attitude that sex was "bad" or possibly religious teachings, he's got the idea that sex is a bad thing, and he feels guilty about doing it.
This is something that YOU can't change. It's an emotional issue, and unless he's willing to let go of whatever issues he has, he's not going to change. Maybe what you two need is some professional counselling.....not sure if it should be marriage counselling or sexual counselling, but he has to agree to it, and be a willing participant in it. Some people are open to change, others aren't!
although my bf hasn't had a porn addiction, he seems to have a similar view. he sometimes does look at porn, and has what i think is a weird or false distinction between porn and non-porn. certain things he just thinks are too porn-like or slutty (i.e. talking dirty, pulling my hair during sex, etc.). this kind of split of what bad girls and good girls do can make the sex life a bit mundane. at first i found it frustrating, but i have made an effort to keep mixing things up and talking to him about what i like. he's slowly starting to come around. i did insist earlier on that we would watch porn together, just so the two worlds could somehow cross and not be so distinct. of course, this may not be an option for you since your husband had a porn addiction. maybe he fears that if things get too porn-like he will fall back into the addiction. you should try not to take it personally (he is not rejecting you) and continue to talk about your need to have variety and spontanaity. also, instead of just presenting yourself (as in the pool scenerio) and expecting him to respond, maybe you should take a more aggressive lead and see if he continues to resist or if he is willing to come along in a more passive way. if that is the case, once that happens maybe you could urge him to take a more active role.
your situation is complex because of the past porn addiction. and as the other person said therapy maybe helpful.