Expectations of your partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Expectations of your partner
54
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 6:40pm

OK, my last question about duration of intercourse seems to have caused quite a bit of confusion on my meaning.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:30am
O.K. Confort level. Well, Lets see. I do push my SO, but we also have signals. If I am pushing to far, to fast, then she lets me know. I believe boundaries are for walking, not avoiding. If we never pushed ourselves, or our mates, would we ever be truly happy?? I mean, there was a time when I did not ever think I would go down on a woman. Just the thought of doing it made me feel gross. Then one day my girlfriend asked me to do it, I told her no. She got offended. She asked me why, and told me she really wanted me to do it. I still said no. Eventually I agreed, and it was love at first taste. I cannot even imagine life without it now. There are boundaries we cross all the time. Just because we get older and wiser doesn't mean our boundaries are any less appealing to make it past. I push my SO until I know from her signals that it is not working for her. She is the same way with me. Most people I think would not have anal sex unless they worked past a boundary. It is a simple matter of being willing to walk that line. I do in my life, as well as my sex life. I push my limits daily, and I am rewarded, or punished for it accordingly. That is just who I am. My SO accepts that, enjoys that, and walks the line with me. Holding my hand so that she does not fall off that line. We seem to like it that way, and would have it no other way. There is nothing we are not willing to try, at least once. And if we like it, well then, we can either add it to the list, or we can say, been there done that, we'll do it again if the situation arises, but till then, I like this just fine. So, to answer your question Yasmin, Yes, I push my SO, consentually, and yes, we both love it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:41am
"She asked me why, and told me she really wanted me to do it. I still said no. Eventually I agreed, and it was love at first taste."

But the fact remains that from the very FIRST conversation, you UNDERSTOOD that this was something she wanted/enjoyed. Even if she NEVER asked you again, you would always know that she enjoyed oral. You eventually made the choice to do it, whether she asked you once or 10 times. I think had she not asked you more than once, eventually you might have tried it, since you said that that's your personality. Of course, there's the other side of the coin -- What if you hadn't liked it? Would you have appreciated it if she constantly asked and tried to push your boundaries further? It makes no difference if you tried it or not, the same principle applies...pushing someone else's boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:56am
Whether I had liked it or not, if she really liked it, and wanted it, I would have continued. I am a man, and as such, I have never been allowed the option of saying NO, and sticking to it. But that also is determined by my attitude, so it is no ones fault but my own. Society in general has a problem with men saying no to any sex act. Ridicule from women over things like not wanting to perform oral sex on them is common. I have seen many guys get dissed, joked, and verbally abused over there desire to not do it, by both men, and women. But, this all leads back to my double standards statement in another thread. Personally, whether I really like it or not, I am willing to do it, if she is really enjoying it. And that is where I stand on many things. If she enjoys it, I will deal with it. I hate museums, but I still go with her cause I know she likes it. I am not happy about Greek Food, but I will take her to a greek restaurant, cause I know she likes it. There are many times in life when my desires are completely secondary to hers. And my aversions, are secondary to her desires often as well. But there is the difference in my view between men and women. A woman who does not like performing oral sex, will not be ridiculed for her saying no to it, where as a guy, it is not the same story. We will be joked. Just another example of the power women have over us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:05pm
There's a big difference between enduring a boring show because your SO loves it, and enduring a sexual act that you have an aversion to. I know that if my DH had an aversion to oral, I'd want to know about it. I wouldn't want him doing something that he not only didn't enjoy, but something he disliked. As I stated in another post, I don't adhere to double-standards, and I wouldn't ridicule either sex for having an aversion to oral sex, some people just can't. I've never met a man who didn't enjoy giving me oral, freely, and I've always enjoyed giving so I can't relate....but I can tell you that I would NOT want a man to perform on me if he hated every minute of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:40pm

Jeep, do you really think women have that much power over men.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:14pm
Hated it is to strong a word. Dislike I guess is too. I know of guys who would prefer not to do it, but because there SO wants it, they do it. You may not go for the double standard, but that does not mean it isn't there. I have seen it to many times in my 13 years of sexual activity. And I have personally been teased for my opinions on certain things, by both men, and women. I can only speak from my experience, and things I have seen. If a woman is against something, it is dropped. If a man is, it isn't necessarily dropped, but it sure is talked about, over and over again. Again, this is just from what I have seen, so, please don't think I am saying all women, and or men are this way. I am glad that you are above that sort of thing. Maybe age plays a part in that, maybe not. I have not had any aversions to hetrosexual sex, since late high school, so it may have been more of a juvenil thing, but I have friends who are still openly teased for there dislikes. By the women they have been with, or those that hear about there aversions. It is silly, and everytime I hear a woman teasing a man about it, I say something to them along the lines of How would you like to be teased over something like anal sex, or swallowing, etc. etc. Especially if I know there is something they don't like. Everyone always looks at me funny, but I don't care. It seems to get the point across. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:24pm
Wow. Men bring it upon themselves. Hmmm. Not sure if I agree with you on that one. If that were the case then women who are open to sex, and labled sluts should be treated as sluts??? Men got the short end of the stick in many way in this day and age. We are accused of being the problem for so much, and yet the opposite is never true. A woman cries rape, it's expected, but a man cries rape it is doubted!!! There is a very big double standard. But I don't mind as much as I make out like I do. It gives me more enjoyment pleasing, than in recieving.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:22pm

Jeep, I did NOT say double standard is right and I do believe more is expected of men,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:38pm
No need to get mad about it Tish. I never thought you were agrueing the double standard, nor did I think you agreed with it. I just took offence to saying that men ask for it. And no, I don't believe that guys will be believed faster than women, in fact, I think a guy will be believed a lot less than a woman, and it is harder for a guy to prove he was raped. It is common knowledge that men who have said they were raped were ridiculed heavily for saying that, as much if not more so than a woman who cries rape. Rape is so unbelievable because of all the cries of rape that were false, not because of the friend/husband/blah blah blah. It is all those women out there who have said I was raped, and then it was proven that they were just doing it to hurt the man who didn't love them afterwards, or whatever the case may have been. I honestly think that men who cry rape, are far less likely to be believed, strictly because of the double standard, and that a woman that cries rape may not be believed because of the medias coverage of all those cases of false outcrys. Just my opinion here. Not all based on fact, but a lot of it is. My opinion doesn't really matter though, as I am a guy, and it is taken as sexist, or biased remarks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:53pm
Jeep, I totally disagree with you here. Since I am a woman, I happen to know women DO get razzed for not doing something. You know how many friends were teased for not being good in bed because they didn't give BJ's? Or called frigid? Women do more talking behind the back. "You know Beth's boyfriend is gonna cheat eventually because she doesn't this or that". Even in the other thread that i_bestgirl was saying women who don't orgasm via intercourse were selfish, and that their men would leave them for women who do. Women get *ALOT* of pressure from men and from other women to perform various acts. I don't think there is a double standrard, I think there are societal pressures on both sexes, and even on couples.

Leticia