Exploration Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Exploration Problems
5
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 2:41pm

I am new to the board and I have been married for a little over a year. Due to some past Bad sexual experiences I am adament about certain sexual acts with my husband. He says that it shouldn't matter because we are married but I am having a hard time with them. I used to be very comfortable wth my body and seductiveness but now I can't seem to do it. am also very shy when it comes to performing certain sexual acts for my husband such as Strip Tease..lap dance..and being in control..I always make him bbe incontrol.. I would lave to have my spark back..any suggestions!!

Thanks...Erika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 3:15pm

Welcome to the board Erika. Is that a picture of your baby on your avatar?

Having bad sexual experiences causes you to carry around baggage about them, and your DH should be understanding of that. I'm not sure how bad they are, but you could try reading some self-help books or seeing a therapist. Are those experiences what gave you a negative body image?

If that is your baby, it could also be that you are still going through hormonal changes and just are not back into the swing of things. You have only been married a year, and although it may seem like the two of you should be totally comfortable with each other, that is not always the case. I prefer to look at it you are always continuing to develop sexually. It's nice for him to let you know about his fantasies, but he shouldn't nag you about them. If he does, it's likely to give you more negative feelings. If he allows you to process them in your own time, then you may come to a point where you can visualize yourself (say giving him a lap dance), and you may want to do some of those special things for him.

It is always helpful to think of yourself as sexy and think sexy thoughts. Maybe pick up a new outfit, get a haircut or your nails done. Do some things that make you feel good. And then maybe try taking small steps in the bedroom to loosen up and get comfortable being sexy and confident with him.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 4:20pm
That is a picture of my 4 month old...probably my main reason for lack of self confidence. :)... Well I guess telling you would probably help you understand...My ex was abusive physically, sexually and emotionally about 2 yrs into our relationship..If I hadn't met my DH I probably would be dead or running around doing things I would one day regret. I have also been sexually molested by my own father whom I met only 3 yrs ago and another man that I would rather not mention to much about.. I think because of those 3 experiences I have put up a mental block that I am not sure how to get rid of. I have tried therapy but I have not found someone who I connect with and who really cares about my current situatuins. Beside all that I really do want to be better sexually and I am stilll somewhat new at this aspect of life. Before my Dh I was abused sexually so I am jus now learning what a great experience it really is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 4:22pm

<them>>

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 9:31pm

Sometimes finding the right therapist takes time until you find one that you are comfortable with, you can trust and you're able to work with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 10:05pm

You will need to work through the mental block, and I think ultimately you will need to be able to separate a loving relationship with your DH from the abusive situations that you have been in before.

When you were abused before, did you ever seek medical care? If so, did they give you referrals? Are there any support groups in your community? Maybe connecting with a support group will help you learn different coping skills. While I don't know that they will help you heal all together, they can perhaps help you out until you find a therapist that you can connect with.

Here are some iVillage links where you may also find some support for your particular situation. Some of them are message boards.

Sexual Abuse Healing
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsexabuse

Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmakeitstop

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhptsd



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