Expressing Myself
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| Thu, 01-25-2007 - 11:33pm |
Last night while I was surfing the internet, looking for articles on developing sexual confidence, I came across a piece in which the authur wrote, "Our sexuality is a continuum of self-disclosure of who we are as females or males. It concerns how we feel about ourselves as well as our sexual beliefs and behaviour, our values and emotions, where and how we focus, express and use our in-born God-given raw sexual energy."
The best thing for me to do, I think, is to express myself unabashedly. However, on the other hand, does it feel like a big transition from expressing yourself -- talking about your likes and dislikes, dreams, emotions, and so on -- to expressing you "raw sexual energy"? Perhaps when you are feeling so good about yourself, you cannot help but to offer yourself to others. Am I understanding this correctly?

"Offer yourself to others" is not quite what that means, I don't think. It means if you like yourself, you will have the confidence to do anything, including having sex, not with just anyone, but with a special person that you know and like and WANT to have sex with.
Sexual confidence, or just plain confidence, the first step is to like yourself....and if you do, you'll have the confidence to do whatever you want. If you have confidence in yourself, then you can do anything. If you're not sure of yourself during sex, you can ask for help from your partner if that's what you need.
Confident people know when they need help in any area, and they're not afraid to ask for it. That's not quite "expressing yourself unabashedly". Somehow I'm getting the feeling that you think it means you should just walk up to a guy and say "hey....you wanna f....?") Sorry, but that's how I'm interpreting your interpretation.
If you want to have confidence in ANY area, then work on your self confidence.
My interpretation of it is not offering yourself up sexually
I am glad that you mentioned your "raw sexual energy". It seems that -- I do not mean to be condescending -- we are talking about the same thing, the ability to disclose your sexual wants, needs and desires. While I used the term "expression", you talked about confidence, the term that I asked about in the original post.
In Chinese, the word "confidence" is made up of two characters, "belief" and "heart". Now I am trying to figure out if it means holding a belief in your heart, or believing what your heart tells you. Probably there are many interpretations which overlap one another, but it is clear that confidence operates on an emotional, not an intellectual level. Just a thought!
Confidence = Belief in your "heart".....which is a metaphor for "yourself". Your heart is an organ that pumps the blood thru your body. "Love" doesn't come from the heart, it comes from the brain. Feelings don't come from the heart, they come from the brain.
Confidence is something that comes from the brain also. If you allow your brain to dwell on insignificant things.....am I attractive, am I sexy, am I good enough, etc., then you're not going to be confident about anything. If you learn to love yourself, warts and all, you'll be confident. NO ONE is perfect....we all have things about ourselves that we don't like. We can accept those things and live with them....or change them if it's possible to change them.
If you truly BELIEVE you're good enough, you will be. If you believe you're worthy of something, then you will be. If you don't believe in yourself, then you won't have confidence in yourself.
When it comes to relationships (sexual or otherwise), if you're not being treated the way you want to be treated, you're allowing yourself to accept the unacceptable because you don't believe in yourself, and you think you don't deserve any better than you're getting.
Your original question, how to have "sexual" confidence.....is a matter of being confident in yourself in EVERY way. If you are, you won't have a problem asking for what you want, or taking the initiative sexually. If you ask, and you don't get what you ask for, then you'll have the confidence to walk away, if that's what it takes, because you'll KNOW you deserve better. If you want something in life, you have to ask for it, and get it. If you settle for less than you want, then you don't have the confidence in yourself that you need.
I believe confidence is on an emotional and intellectual level.
By the term "real man" do you mean the socially constructed model, the quinessential man? I do not think that I am concerned about such standard. Like I said, since I see sex as an important part of my growth as I want to be a great lover, it is disappointing that I am still a virgin.
I respectfully disagree with the claim that confidence comes from the brain, and if the intellect does play any part, in my experience, it is a small part. If confidence means being comfortable with yourself, flaw and all, why do people talk about it? For the conscious thought of being comfortable with yourself implies the possibility that you are NOT comfortable with yourself. For example, when I think about whether I am attractive, whether I am cool, whether I made a faux pas ... I become self-conscious. On the other hand, when I feel good about myself, I brush aside those thoughts and tell my mind to not waste time on them.
Any way, I no longer want to dwell on definitions as I am tired of thinking about them and hearing myself talk. What I got from this discussion is to re-focus on my wants, needs, desires and to make the right choice for myself. Now I know why I am making such a big deal about self-expression. As I already know the kind of girls that I like, the sexual relationship that I want and the plays that I will enjoy immensely -- albeit tastes may change -- what I need to do is to unabashedly pursue all those things, a process in which expression is central.
Thanks for the responses. Is there any thing else you want to add?
What I mean by *real man* is, *some* feel if they are virgins or if their penis is not X size, if they aren't muscular, don't make X amount
Yes, I have something to add! Now that you've thoroughly analyzed what you want, what you need, etc., you have to GO OUT AND PURSUE IT! It's not going to come to you!
If you know what kind of woman you like, then find one! Get to know her, let her get to know you (YOU, not the you that you think you should be) and see where that takes you. Be prepared for rejection....the first woman you say hello to isn't going to fall into your arms and say "take me"! It takes work, it takes time, and it takes pushing yourself to places you've never been before. If someone you approach doesn't seem to respond, shrug your shoulders and walk away.....that's life (and her loss!)
NYC has speed dating......try that! You have a computer, check out the dating services. DO SOMETHING! You can talk all you want to, you can dream all you want to, nothing is going to happen until you make the effort to put yourself out there! You know the platitudes...."nothing ventured, nothing gained"....."no pain, no gain"...and most importantly, "the only people who never fail are those who never TRY"!