Extreme sexual frustration

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2014
Extreme sexual frustration
11
Thu, 06-12-2014 - 3:57pm

I've enver felt like this before, but then again I've also never really been denied with it comes to sex. I only had sex outside of an actually realtionship once, I don't like one night stands. But my boyfriends never refused me when I wanted sex. I've been living with my current boyfriend for 6 months, been together a couple months longer than that. In the start it wasn't a problem, he'd please me at the drop of a hat. But now, if I can get him to have sex, it's just a quickie and I don't get off. He works a lot so he's very tired when he comes home and he won't have sex before work or he's useless there. It's not that he doesn't want me he's just too tired, I understand but...I need sex. Masturbation is fine but I need actual sex. I've always been a very sexually active person, ever since I lost my virginity. I'm horny damn near every day. But the past week, the lack of good, long lasting sex has me so frustrated I actually get mad at him when he denies me, or am so frustrated i have to sneak off to the bathroom and cry.. I've never cried over sexual frustration. But even as I type this I'm so frustrated I could punch something, cause we just went through the whole thing again, he's sitting in the other room waiting to have to go to work, refusing to have sex with me. I just want to get boned..hard core laid, for an hour straight. we haven't had good sex in so long because he's so busy all the time. Our sex life is dead right now and it's very depressing for me. Him, on the other hand, it doesn't seem to bother him that much. I probably sound desperate, and I am, it's pathetic. Has anyone else been so sexually frustrated that they're angry all the time and actually cry when they get denied?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2014
Fri, 06-13-2014 - 1:44am

Hi! while reading your post, it felt like i was reading my own thoughts and feelings before... i too have the same frustration.... i know how it feels to be denied... i felt so ugly and unwanted before.. i thought i was not desirable and i cry everynight... I am 33 years old now and  I am married for almost 10years already and we have 2 kids  and sex for the first 2 years were great... but after that, my husband lost his apetite for sex... he will just always tell me that he is tired and whenever i ask if there is a problem with me, he will just say that there is nothing wrong, he is just really tired. Until now, we will just have sex for maybe 2 times a month and a 10min long is a good score... sometimes he will pump on me in 10-15 times and he is done (yeah i count it!) that bad!!!  it feels like nothing anymore. seems like a routine now... i don't get wet anymore for him...   and like you i am very touch and sexual person... i love to be touched and i love to have sex. People always say that i am pretty and i have  avery good body even if i am a mom of 2kids, in fact, i have maintained my body tape at 34-24-34. but, everytime we are alon, i feel like the most ugly woman, undesired. I don't even remember when was the last time my husband has kissed me passionately. He just kiss me every morning and night like how he kiss our kids. 

and i will have to admit that because of this, i strayed... this is something i am not proud of, as i know it is wrong... especially that i have become emotionally attached now to another man who is half older than me... it all started as physical, he would touch me like noone else has done and kiss me passionately... his kisses alone bring me to paradise... he would make love to me the way i have never experienced before... i have never felt more beautifula nd desired as how he makes me feel...  I am not giving our lack or bad sex as an excuse for this, as i said i am not proud of it and i wish it is for him that i fell this level of desire. but its for another man now... we still live with each other but i'd say that its more for companionship now. i say i still love my husband but in a very different way.

i hope you find ways to correct your frustration with your partner and don't end up like me... i don't know if i can still correct my mistakes as i don't know if i want to even correct it... i am happy and lonely altogether now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2006
Fri, 06-13-2014 - 5:34pm
Now for the man side. I do know what it feels like. My wife and I both had very high labidos. After 3 kids she lost all interested in sex. She won't even cuddle any more. I have been told by women I am very hansome. Yet I still hurt from being rejected from my wife for 19 years now.

 


 


 


 


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 9:11am

I have been through exactly the same thing. Before we were married we had sex everytime we saw each other which was usually 2-3 times a week. Now once a month will be normal, twice if I'm lucky and sometimes not at all. I will be lucky if it lasts more than 2 minutes. Like you I have always had a high sex drive and find that masturbation just doesn't satisfy me. I am really upset and angry about it too. Recently I was actually so annoyed I told him I was fed up of him being so uninterested and never making me orgasm and he just laughed, like leaving me sexually frustrated after 2 minutes of sex is some kind of joke! I did have a boyfriend before who struggled with premature ejaculation and I didn't mind we just did oral etc and I was happy with that but my husband literally just can't be bothered to satisfy me. I have to practically beg him for sex and most of the time the answer is still no - it's demeaning. Then when he can be bothered he doesn't try to satisfy me anyway so what's the point? He used to be able to manage just fine.

I have always been popular with men so I don't know why he's not interested any more but now I just feel I am nothing, undesirable. He never even kisses me any more just a quick peck  he might give his grandmother.

Like Goddessselene I have ended up straying, which I am not proud of. He's a close friend I've known longer than my husband and when I was really angry with my husband one day I told the friend how unhappy I was (I've been hiding it from all my friends and family). Then one day I was feeling really low and we went for a drive and I kissed him. It was premeditated by me, I knew if I went out with him that day I would kiss him but I remember thinking I just wanted to remember what it was like to be kissed by someone who wanted me and feel the fireworks. And that was the start of our affair. I know I shouldn't be doing it and I really need to stop but I am so much happier right now :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 11:27am

I rarely check out this board.......but for some reason I did today.......and it's mind boggling to me that every post here is basically th same post!  The partner has lost interest in sex.  What I'm seeing in every one of these posts is "He/she has lost interest in me".  Everyone has taken it personally.  "It's me!  He/she doesn't love me anymore!"  Have any of you ever thought of actually sitting the person down, outside the bedroom, and having a discussion about your feelings, and simply asking your partner what can be done to fix things so that you're both happy?  One person compared living together with how it was before, 2-3 times a week, whenever you saw each other.  That is a completely different situation.......when you're "dating".......first, it's "new and exciting", second, you never know when you'll see each other next, so let's do it NOW!  Now you move in together, and it's there anytime you want it, so it's not so "urgent".  Another thing is taking it personally........as I said above.  Not wanting sex is NOT the same as not loving someone. It could be many other things.  Stress at work.  Financial problems.  Physical problems.  Maybe you're right, that your partner has just simply lost interest and doesn't know how to tell you that.  Maybe you're hanging on to a relationship that has run it's course. Once the first passion wears off a little, and especially if you're living together, maybe they ARE losing interest.  Maybe the relationship is over and you just don't know it.  Maybe actually living together has made him/her realize that you have "warts" that weren't obvious before. 

The bottom line to every problem here is not to have an outside affair, it's not to get frustrated and paranoid, it's not to look to strangers for an answer.......it's very simple.  It's to sit down and talk about what each of you is feeling.  You might be surprised what your partner is feeling.  Maybe he/she is frustrated about something, too.  If you can't talk to each other, that alone is a sign of a relationship that's in trouble.  As a last resort, look into getting some couples counseling.  Sometimes it's easier for someone to bare their soul to a stranger, especially a professional that's trained to help couples with problems.  If you've done all you can, and your relationship is still not working, then maybe it's time to be honest with yourself and each other, and end it.  Being alone is not the end of the world, and maybe y9u can take stock of your life and move on to a good relationship.l  . 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 12:54pm

My first comment is how much of a double standard society has when it comes to sexual frustration/being turned down.  I've gone on this board in the past with similar frustrations and there was no shortage of replies telling me ot have patience with my wife, understanding how women feel, and realizing that she may be tired, etc.  I've now been married for 24 years, have been to counseling on a few occassions and am now curretntly a psych major myself, working on my masters in family/marriage counseling.  With that said, I have to aggree with Fissatore.  Don't blame yourself.  Try not to slip into a self loathing/depressed state over what is most likely an issue going on in the mind of your SO.  And cheating is never the answer.  Someone already alluded to having formed feelings for the person she cheated with.  What people don't understand about the physical act of sex is that it causes our brains to release chemicals that foster bonding.  These are dangerous chemicals to play around with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 11:53pm

I agree!  And the very act of having sex releases endorphines that make you want sex even more.  Women, more than men seem to be the bigger "offenders", especially if they have children.  Once they have children, their focus changes, and they're busy with raising the children, taking care of the house, often working a full time job.....and sex goes to the bottom of the list.  What women don't understand is tha the children grow up and leave home (at least most children do) and that leaves Mom and Dad stareing at each other......like strangers.  That is if they're still married.  A lot of men won't stay around if they're being ignored!  If it's the man that's losing or lost interest, immediately the woman says to herself "he doesn't love me anymore" or "I've gained weight and turned hm off"......when in reality it usually has nothing at all to do with love, or physical attraction.  When a man loses interest, it's often because he's got something mentally or physically wrong.  Maybe low testosterone.  Maybe lack of sleep.  Many men seem to think it's a sign of weakness to see a doctor and get a good check up.  Many problems can be helped by actually sitting down and TALKING to each other!  It helps a lot to understand why your partner is acting the way he/she is.  And there's always counseling if the two of you can't work on it yourselves.  The majority of marital problems can be solved if only the two people WANT to fix it, and are willing to work on fixing it.  Marriage is like a garden.  You can't just plant the seed and expect to make salad next week.  You have to start with good soil, you plant the seeds, you water them, you pull up weeds, you prop up plants that are leaning, and eventually you'll be rewarded with food.  In a marriage, you have to feed it, you have to water it, and you have to get rid of the weeds......and you'll have a happy marriage......for both parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2012
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 4:18am
Hy is it all men be like that after few mnth or year after relationship. As I read this post n reply frm goddess n beloveddarling I feel like I am reading about my situation. My men also behaving like that. Please any men on here come forward and tell about men why they r like this. Coz my hubbi is not even sharing his feeling if I asked him why he is getting like tht about sex n love n romance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2014
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 12:21am

I would also like to chime in from a guys perspective and say I sympathize with the women experiencing this frustration because there are plenty of men in very similar situations.

My situation is indeed similar in that there is sexual frustration, but there's an aspect that's different. My girl and I have an otherwise great relationship except when it comes to sex. In that department, we are completely different in nearly everything. We've even discussed that there are problems, but nothing has ever changed. I think we're just wired differently. And she doesn't ever flat out deny me in a rude way. It's always an excuse, but said in a nice way. "Do you mind if we don't tonight? I'm really tired." How do you respond to that? (even after having the conversations about our lack of sex)

The thing is...a person usually doesn't know how another person is sexually until they've become involved with them, so while they can be otherwise the perfect soulmate, they could also still be sexual opposites, as it seems to be in my case.

I guess I was spoiled by previous relationships sexually, but those didn't last for other reasons. Now I have everything else I was missing, but it's wrapped in sexual frustration. I like to be pursued sexually too, not always be the initiator 100% of the time. It feels good to have a woman want to please you (just as I enjoy pleasing her), but how would I know she really enjoys it if she never pursues it? We barely have sex, and when we do, it's me who initiates, and while she appears to enjoy it, it still makes me uneasy wondering if I never initiated, would we EVER have it?

There's a lot more to it than what I'm putting here, but I won't go on and on for now. If anyone would like to swap stories/situations and commiserate with each other, feel free to PM me. Perhaps making a few new friends on here and talking about it will be the start of the therapy we all need. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2012
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 2:56am
In our relationship it's other way round as my husband doesn't initiate sex , always I do especially frm last 1 year. What should I do how I should talk to him about it .
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2014
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 7:22pm

I to can relate to Beloved. I have been married to my soul mate for more than 15 years. I love him with every ounce of my being. Of course like any new relationship our sex life was new, exciting and fabulous, it still is "when" we have it. Which only makes me want him more. I think he is a very sexy man and I take GREAT pleasure in fulfilling his needs and fantasy's. It is just very difficult for me to be patient and understanding when I yurn for it so deeply.

He has worked 3rd shift for a large majority of our marriage and so his libido and sleep patterns have been out of wack. He was always tired, never in the mood. So once a month was a chore for him. For the last 6-9 months he has been on a better shift still nights but only 3 12-hour shifts a week, and I want to say our sex life is better. Maybe once a week or once every two weeks. I'm over 40 but am still very interested in sex (not that people over 40 aren't-in general :D). We're on vacation this week and I know I have been very obvious and upfront in the fact that I want to make love with him every day. While in the car I made a comment that I wanted him to drive because I wanted to pleasure him. His comment was something like "Jeez, is that all you think about?", "Your almost annoying with this, you make me feel so pressured". I know he was telling me how my sexual needs make him feel, but the rejection hurt me.

I'm not a 10 or probably even a 7 on my rating scale, I'm 5'2", 200#, still have curves in the right places just more curve then I used to, and have had 3 kids.  When he rejects me, no matter how many times he says its "NOT" me, that he "IS" attracted to me he might be saying it honestly, and yes it could be totally coincidental that when I say I want to make love to him tonight that he also feels the urge to throw down a few beers. Or that he has the drive to search porn sites when he can't sleep,  but doesn't have the drive to screw his wife. So his words are telling me he loves me and is attracted to me, but when I put together his actions they paint a different picture.  My self-conscious head starts saying "He can only have sex with you when the lights are out, and after a few beers, or that his eyes are closed because he's picturing someone else", he is repulsed by the stretch marks, when he touches you all he feels is fat. I know that sex does not mean love,and that just because we don't have sex as often as I would like doesn't mean he doesn't love me, or that "maybe" he is attracted to me and just has no sex drive. But the constant rejection feeds an already fragile ego, causing pain, depression, self doubt, and paranoia. I have never strayed and have no urge to. As I get older and see these ripples in our pool I worry that the younger, thinner, more attractive and less needy woman is around the corner waiting to take my place in his bed. So I guess, sex, for me translates to his need/attraction for me. Is there something I should be doing to help increase his libido? I am very liberal when it comes to sex, I will try just about anything once, act out his fantasy's, be what he wants. I'm at a loss and don't know how to make it anything other than its a problem with me.......

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