Fear of Intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fear of Intimacy
14
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 3:14pm

I am 43 and never realized I had a huge fear of intimacy.


Until now....I want it and I can't open up to achieve it.

Missy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 3:39pm

Hi and welcome misssy. It's so nice to meet you. Will you please fill in your profile so we can know something about you? Thanks a lot. Stick around and jump in anytime. The people here are awesome!


Does your therapist have any ideas for you? Obviously you've talked to him/her about it. Sounds like you have a wonderful man. What about try taking small steps? You touched his face the other day, that's great. Next time try holding his hand. Next, raise his hand and kiss it. Just try to think of him and the joy he brings you.


{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 3:45pm

You can and will get over it. It just takes time. It is a bit of a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of dance though, so be prepared for that. The emotional baggage of what you have been thru isn't going to just unpack it self, lol. It will resist being unpacked as if it has a mind of it's own, too.


You can ABSOLUTELY learn how to open up and relax and let yourself experience these wonderful things that you missed out on in your first marriage. It takes time. It takes patience. Somedays it will feel like you are moving BACKWARDs, but really you aren't. =)


Whatever you do, don't push this guy away because you feel like he deserves better than you (which will be your instinct).


Hang in there. It does get better, and it seems like you have a lot of people in your corner right now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 4:10pm

Welcome to the board, misssy2.

Your new guy sounds like a gem. How do you feel about him outside of the bedroom? Are you able to be intimate with him in other ways? Can you hold hands walking through the mall or snuggle on the couch while watching TV? Do you feel that you love him -- if so, what makes you love him?

I agree with the others -- you will heal in time, but it will take time. Thinking about the things that work in this relationship and focusing on the things you admire about him will help you want to share your sexuality with him.

It's likely that you still feel anger toward your ex. Try to find ways to separate those feelings from your feelings for this new guy. Keep working with your therapist and taking his/her suggestions. Sometimes a small step seems like a huge step when it's in front of you, but each time you take a small step towards your goal, the steps ahead of you get easier.





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 5:46pm

What makes me love him?

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 5:50pm

Hi - I will post my profile, maybe later or tommorow.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
In reply to: misssy2
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 10:16pm

Oh misssy, please don't ever feel like that for telling someone how you really feel about them. Sometimes it's not so much saying it in words, but in actions.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 4:31am
Hi, Misssy.
Looks like your guy is really wonderful and truly loves you. You say you're hard on yourself, so I suppose you might think he is better than you deserve, but put it this way - even if you were a person who deserved bad things (I'm NOT saying you are one, I'm saying that's probably what you think), don't you think you've been punished enough? All those years of abuse? Maybe after all those horrible times, life is offering you a wonderful gift to make up for it. You might try to make a list of the good things about you, so that you might stop being so hard on yourself. They don't have to be very big things, if you haven't got a Nobel prize for peace, that doesn't mean you are not a good and worthy person. You don't have to sit down and make that list all in one session. You can just write down one thing at a time, when it crosses your mind. And then, when you're really down and feel like you don't deserve anything good, you can go through that list and see what's good about you. How about the fact that you managed to stop drinking? You must know from experience how hard that is and you should be very very proud of it. Of getting sober and staying sober. So many people try and fail. So many people don't try at all. I've always felt that people who manage to get rid of an addiction like that are people who "have been through hell and come back from it" and I really admire them for the strength they have. Good for you!
And by the way, when you touched him lovingly on the face, which was such a big step for you, I'm pretty sure, from what you said, that it was a very big step for him, too. I'm pretty sure he was very touched, since he must have known how hard it was for you to do that. So I guess he really appreciates it. You can't say you're not making an effort.
I wish you the best.

Scorpio


We kittens may be cute and lovable, but don't forget we have claws...

ScorpioWoman, Proud Winner of the 2008 Victor Hugo Memorial Run-On Sentence Award

We kittens may be cute and lovable, b

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: misssy2
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 9:10am

Hey there missy and welcome. I used to CL over at Recognizing & Dealing w/Domestic Abuse and it is where I first started when I came to iVillage five years ago. I too was in an abusive relationship and I finally got the courage to leave four years ago. It did take me some time to get intimate again, as we all heal and move forward differently. The best thing to remember, is to be patient w/yourself. We all heal differently and it sounds like you a got a very good man by your side, and that is DEFINITELY a plus! Continue w/your counseling. I also wonder if you may have just a tad of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) given everything you have been through. But regardless, you have already started making a new life for yourself and that is what's important after leaving an abusive relationship. I too was in a pretty bad abusive relationship myself so I know what it's like. There's a few boards here on the village that you are welcome to check out as well if you'd like:

Recognizing & Dealing w/Domestic Abuse: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&nav=start

PTSD: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhptsd

Just remember, be patient w/yourself. Each of us heals differently. If it's any concilation, even though I left my abusive ex four years ago, it wasn't until October of last year until I was comfortable with being intimate w/a man again. Take care of you! (((HUGS)))

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: misssy2
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 3:03pm

Missy,




click here to
Design Your Own Se
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 8:56pm

Thank you all - very sensitive and caring woman.

Missy

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