Fear of Intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fear of Intimacy
14
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 3:14pm

I am 43 and never realized I had a huge fear of intimacy.


Until now....I want it and I can't open up to achieve it.

Missy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
In reply to: misssy2
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 10:12pm

I really didn't know what posting in this site was going to do for me....


Posting on this site gave you a voice.....every woman should have a voice. Your voice is beautiful.


Hi Misssy2...I am Mrs P.


I read with great interest both your comments and those wonderful thoughts and suggestions

Mrs P

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: misssy2
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 5:30am

Hi Missy,

Whilst you fear that the time will never come for you to be comfortable with intimacy, please don't forget or discount that you have already made great strides. We always wish that there were a speedy way to heal, but your partner is right - it takes time, and usually it takes more time that we'd thought it would take. I think if we were suddenly able to shrug the past pain away, we still wouldn't know what to do. Part of the healing process involves self-discovery and the discovery of our relationship with others.

I am so glad that you are seeing a therapist. Nine years of marital rape is a very long time to suffer abuse, it's bound to take time to heal from it. Abuse affects so many parts of our selves and our lives. It sounds like you are with a very nice, patient and understanding partner who has been able to gain your trust.

I am also a survivor of sexual abuse and boy can I relate to no-love sex and numbing myself to it. Anything that even had a whiff of commitment or endearment made we run faster than the Road Runner. And then, one day, I met a person whom I felt comfortable with. I actually told him about the abuses even before we started going out. We spent a few weeks just talking hours every day on our commute, and he gradually earned my trust. It wasn't perfect, but somehow we created a safe zone where I could enjoy intimacy again without having too many intrusive thoughts. I sometimes did have moments of panic when intimate, but this lessened as the bond between us grew.

Have you read a book by Wendy Maltz entitled The Sexual Healing Journey? If you haven't, have a look at it to see if you think it could be of help. It's a book that can be read by both partners, and there are tips and advices on how to proceed gently with one's sexual healing. If you do feel a need to branch out, do branch out but take it at a pace that feels right to you. Don't even force yourself, especially not if you are doing this out of a sense of guilt towards your partner.

Missy, I think that caressing your partner's face says so much more than a term of endearment. Don't worry too much about not being able to call him babe or love. Your gestures, the way you look at him, the way you talk to him, the things that you do for and with him all tell him what you think of and feel for him.

I am the CL of the PTSD board. Please feel free to lurk and/or join us there. There is also a Sexual Abuse Healing board here on iVillage, which has two great CL's and a lot of supportive and understanding members http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhsexabuse.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 9:51pm

Thank you, The mind and book comments were helpful.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: misssy2
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 10:31pm

Missy, I think in every healing process there are many stages. You are at a place in yours where you can see where you have been, and you can see where you want to go. That is a wonderful turning point. It will allow you to work toward your goal and protect yourself from falling into a situation similar to the one in your past.

I'm glad that you found posting here to be helpful. I hope your relationship does turn into a happy and healthy experience for both of you -- it certainly seems that you are heading in the right direction.





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