Feel so hurt and detrayed
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:13pm |
New here, but need some advice.
My spouse and I don't have a great sex life. I want it a couple times a week and he wants it once a week or twice a month. I've always felt like it was something wrong with me. He said it wasn't me. He said he just didn't have desire. Well, I believed him. We are married with children and are highschool sweethearts.
I had a suspicion that he was pleasuring himself (if you know what I mean), but didn't know for sure. I felt like this because when we did have sex, he usually had to pull out and finish off the job. I mean 98% of the time it ends with him using his hand. Well, last night I caught him taking care of his needs while watching porn. I was so hurt. I didn't see him in the act; I just walked in after he was finished. He said it was an accident. He said he was watching a movie and it just happened. I don't believe him. I think he was purposely finding pleasure. I don't have a big problem with porn. He's not addicted to it or anything. I just think he's lying.
I'm just so very hurt because he rejects me day after day. And to find out this just breaks my heart. I was so upset that I couldn't sleep last night and haven't been able to eat. In fact, I was so upset with it that I was physically sick at my stomach.
I don't know what to do. I don't want him to touch me and I can't stop crying. He says, he wants to "make it up to me". I don't want to even sleep with him. The bad thing is that I try to do everything I can to have sex "his way." I've been open to all his fantasies and I'm sick of trying.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not leaving my spouse. We have children and I have no where to go. I just don't know how to deal with this and get over the pain.
Anyone's advice is appreciated. I have to figure out how to deal.

Pages
You have to sit down with him an have an open and honest talk with him.
I did talk to him. He says he doesn't masturbate. He says that last night was a one time, first time thing. He said he was watching a porn movie and just ejaculated without any stimulation. I just don't believe that. I asked him about having to finish off with his hand. He said he did that because he thought I liked that.
I just don't believe that. He knows I'm hurt. I've not eaten much at all and have cried off and on all day.
I know masturbation is normal. I use a vibrator every once in a while, but not in secret and I don't deny him sex.
Like I said he's denying any masturbation. No we have a great marriage. He's not one to show any affection. He doesn't flirt, kiss every once in a while, no passionate kisses unless in sex, etc.
I just don't know where to go from here. I feel hurt and he's in denial.
I agree with tish. You need to sit down and talk to him about this.
Bear in mind _how_ you talk to him is important. If you sound angry or aggressive or accuse him of hurting you or burst into tears, he will become defensive and he will NOT want to talk. You would do the same in the same situation. You have to ensure that you have a conversation with him, two way communication. To those ends you have to sit down with him and talk to him about it, find out what's going on, keep an open mind, listen, state your case without crying or rambling, look for solutions rather than accusing him of anything or feeling bitter and twisted about this.
There is nothing wrong with the masturbation as such. You see as if he's cheating you out of sex by masturbating, but in reality it's quite different. Most men can happily manage to masturbate AND have regular sex in a relationship. And sometimes, often in fact, masturbating is a quick and easy sexual release that has little to do with intercourse or "sex" between two people. For guys anyway, it's more like a snack between meals, or to fill the gap between meals, rather than a replacement for meals.
Remember that he has done nothing "wrong"; just as you have done nothing "wrong". It's just that somewhere in the past the communication between the two of you has slipped and neither of you are on the same page anymore. The TWO of you have to open up and find out where the TWO of you lost track of each other's REAL needs and desires. Then you have to figure out a solution, a compromise, that can help both of you get what you want and desire.
Good luck.
We posted about the same time. So, please refer to the previous post. I didn't accuse him of anything. I waited til this morning before talking to him. I didn't do it last night. And I have no problem with masturbation per say. It's just we have sex once a week or twice a month.
Referring to my previous post, he's denying masturbation. I just feel hurt because I beg for sex. I asked or made hints for sex 2 times this week and got nothing. He wanted sex last night. After laying down with our child, I fell asleep. He said he didn't want to wake me up and had an accidental ejaculation that's never happened before. All I know is when I woke up to go to the bedroom, he was finished and denies all.
Yep. We're playing post-tag.
OK, I see what's happening with the masturbation now. Sounds like the two of you had a night where you just got out of sync. He wanted sex, so did you, but by late in the evening you fell asleep and he took matters into his own hands. That happens to everyone at one time or another.
Denying the masturbation? Welll, that's different. Is he a bad liar normally? That's got to be the most unbelieveable story that I've ever heard - I'm sorry but he "accidentally" ejeculated while watching a porn movie? That's actually kinda funny. My thoughts about that would be that he KNOWS that you desperately want sex and had to make a story up on the spot when he got caught. A story shows that he wasn't conciously denying you sex. If he'd admitted that he HAD been masturbating he thinks that you would have been more upset because he was conciously denying you sex that evening. Obviously he is well aware that you really wanted sex that evening and that this is becoming an issue in your relationship. The only explanation that he could think of there and then was that it went of accidentally and therefore you couldn't hold him responsible. Of course you got angry and upset and everything turned to custard. He couldn't change his story or reasonably discuss it after that happened.
As advised before. Sit down and talk about it with him. This incident is just a small bump in the road in the scheme of things and doesn't mean that he is masturbating all the time and rarely wanting sex because of it. Who knows? You may have struck the one single night that month that he was very horney and that, had you not fallen asleep, you would have had sex.
BTW, how old are the kids? You probably wouldn't be surprised to know that small children are the single greatest obstacle to a good sex life that two people can have. What effect on time together alone, energy, and sexual desire are they having?
One of you has to face the facts. Obviously, he's in denial, big time. Accidental ejaculation......he's also a lousy liar! He has a problem with the fact that he masturbates. Probably some childhood thing, where he was told it was dirty and nasty, and he feels he has to keep it secret. Does he realize that most men masturbate regularly, and that has NOTHING to do with sex with a partner. It's not a substitute for sex with a partner.
Ok, you want sex a few times a week.....he wants it once or twice a month. Now you feel hurt and rejected. There's no reason for you to feel hurt....it has nothing to do with you, it's HIS problem.
Instead of trying to initiate & getting rejected constantly, you have got to talk to him, and tell him what you want and need from him, and work out some kind of compromise. Once a week wouldn't kill him. It sounds like he's got himself so used to masturbation that he can't finish with you, and that's probably one of the reasons he's hiding the masturbation. It's a catch 22 situation. He's got a problem during sex, so he finishes by hand....and the more he does that, the more he HAS to do it. If that's the only way he can do it, then offer to do it for him. If he can't or won't agree to some kind of compromise, then he needs to get some counselling, because he's got some real hangups.
Stop beating yourself up about it....it's got nothing to do with you. HE's the one with a problem, and if he can't fix it himself, and he doesn't care how unhappy you are, then I don't know what else would help.....counselling, so that he can understand what he's doing to his marriage!
Communication, telling him how you feel.....thats what you need.
I suspect the previous post is finally touching at the truth...My wife's ex husband had a masterbation addiction that was a big part of ending their marriage. He had been single and partnerless a LONG time before they married...and I understand what happened from very similar experience.. Masturbation is both selfish..and PERFECT sex. You have no ones orgasm but your own to consider, and you can fantasize any situation, rewind a scene over and over, or change how you touch yourself as needed, to always orgasm at the perfect point in the fantasy.
When you actually have a REAL partner, it can be VERY unnerving and difficult to relearn, or LEARN in the first place if its new, how to sense and pace yourself with a partner and consider her pleasure while at the same time having any control over yourself. The first few days of real sex when my wife and I were courting, after I had been several years without... I would often cum without really orgasming, no physical pleasure. Not exactly premature ejaculation, because it could take way TOO long, but similar. I was concentrating on relearning in general how to be a PARTNER in sex, and my wife's specific responses and erogenos zones, and didnt actually care at all about my response or pleasure until I felt some confidence I was pleasing her.
By the end of the week, maybe even just 3 days, I was past that and most definitely having far more pleasure than masturbation gave me.. Once I was comfortable with giving pleasure to her, I was able to also concentrate on relearning how to change pace and position or just motion with a partner just as I could with my hand when masturbating to delay or change the way I was being stimulated and build up to a great climax....
My wifes ex never bothered, he just had sex with her, then often IMMEDIATELY afterwards made an excuse to get out of bed and went off to masturbate. He was clueless to why he didnt get satisfaction from sex, didnt care.. and when she also had no idea and found out, she understandably simply thought he really didnt enjoy being with her, and their whole relationship was a lie. It went so far, trying to please him, that she consented to a threesome a with male friend( she does find the idea of being oral and vaginally sexual simultaneously very exciting) only to discover he just wanted to masturbate and watch her with the friend. When she eventually was told by another male friend that her husband was inviting over friends for dinner, and often then watching porn, it was behind her back already discussed with the men that he would be asking her to have sex with the dinner quest as well.
Well, no wonder she was feeling like all the male friends were awfully attentive and brought her gifts like she was a girlfriend and not just a buddies wife. A near total stranger to her, but husbands friend had even completely seriously offred to pay for a little plastic surgury, tummy tuck for the unavoidable loose skin after a few babies, she was self conscious of her tummy... but wanted her to consider also accepting his gift of breast enhancemment as well... she was really weirded out until she found out all these guys were expecting that sometime she would end up having sex with them, because they had been told about the two times she had already been with one friend.
That was the relationship killer, she just couldnt believe her husband loved her at all. And although I explained to her what I believed was going on, it didnt explain his total lack of interest in anything different. He wasnt interested in changing or learning to enjoy being with her, he just wanted her to loosen up, accept his quirks, and start $%^&^% all his friends even though she didnt WANT to because it was what HE wanted...
Long story, but I think a terrible example of what UNhealthy masturbation can do. Whether your husband is having simper versions of this problem or not you wont know unless he confesses... assuming he's been lying up till now. Certainly sounds like BS, even Jimbo didnt blow twice in a row without touch just watching a movie, it took Nadia gettin naked and sexy in his bed for him to do that. And if your husband is having this problem, he needs to listen... Guy, what you THINK is the only way you are having pleasure, is actually denying you pleasure that is so much better than what you are settleing for. Masturbation still has a uniqueness that I enjoy, but IN PLACE of real sex?.. NEVER. You may think you are hiding your secret pleasure from your wife, but what you are actually doing is missing out on EVERYTHING because you dont know any better..
Now you know, talk to your wife, and see a professional if thats what it takes to learn how to be with a partner, your killin your marriage, neglecting a woman who loves you, and missing it all.
Give him some time, and if he listens, hopefully youll get a MAN back in your marriage and bed... If he doesnt listen, well if you want to keep what you have for your kids thats great, but dont completely deny yourself either... destroying yourself wont do the family any good. At the least, hell, id grap a vibrator and pull up a chair and tell him, if he thinks hes goin to jerk off to porn and totally neglect you, hes wrong. And never give him any complete privacy, but insist on joining him...Id never advise anyone to have an affair...for ethical and religious reasons, but I would consider that in the Christian marriage according to Paul, what your husband is doing now is a violation of his vows to you and God. He has promised and is bound to give of himself to fullfill your needs... and withholding sex is specifically refered to as a failure by a spouse.
And from there, if you have similar beliefs, Id suggest you consult through prayer, you might be surprised at the exceptions made to the biblical rules by a God who truely loves you... and at our Lord Jesus who doesnt just bear our past repented sins,but may even offer to bear a sin you are about to commit...Yeah, Im a heretic. But if the voice in my heart conflicts with the teachings of earthbound and human church, Im goin with my heart.
If you cant work this out with your husband, but also cant break up the marriage because of your belief and sacrifice to do the best for your children, there will be another way given you to find joy..
Opps, darn I usually try to keep my beliefs out of my posts unless I really feel a reason to "preach", but in this case, something speaks to me that you are very commited to your children and will suffer for their sakes...and LOVE(God is Love I think is LITERAL, not symbolic) will honor that suffering by sending you joy...but you have to believe in order to hear...
God bless, and if you lived nearby Id be happy to come by and smack your husband upside the head for you..
GOOD LUCK.
i've read all the posts and they are truly appreciated.
Let me give some history, I've been with my dh for 13 years. we have small children. I didn't think we had problems in bed until a few years back. And now all we do is fuss about it.
We have talked, and talked, and talked. I tell him honestly how I feel. I have went to bed with NOTHING on and he would turn over to go to sleep. Hurts your self esteem, you know? I don't think he's addicted to porn. I think he masturbates in the shower and all. I asked for sex one morning; he said sex in the morning makes him sick because it too much physical work for the morning. The reason I think he's masturbating is because he rarely ever cums inside me. He always has to finish off with his hands. I told him this; he said he finishes off by hand because he thought I liked it that way. I don't think he knows what I like.
I've tried to do everything in bed to please his fantasies. I let him ejaculate wherever on my body, orally, etc. We never make love anymore. I'm truly tired of trying so hard and I'm so hurt.
I'm more hurt because he lies about this. I masturbate occasionally, but I don't lie about it. He knows and I NEVER deny him sex. The sad thing is I quit using my vibrator and have been saving myself for him to make it special. Stupid me! I'm so sorry! I feel so hurt. What am I to do? He knows I'm hurt. I've cried off and on past 2 days. he said "he'd make it up to me". That ticked me off. I don't need his freakin pitty. I don't want him to touch me.
I promise guys I have talked. He's a great husband and dad outside the bedroom. I'm so upset and don't know what to do with myself. I thought making love was suppose to be special not hurtful.
Thanks all!
I read a few of these posts and Have to say I went through some similar expereinces altho my husband doesnt watch porn unless its with me... so porn isnt a problem - Lack of libido was.
I tried being angry and accusatory. It doesnt work - Justs makes them more defensive and less likely to want to work it out.
Quit Being Angry, Quit Blaming, Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Instad Express your feelings, express that you want them badly, express that you are willing to do new things and expereiment to liven things up and make things more interesting... ask them what their needs are. DONT make it all about what you want!! Make it about making your sex life better for both of you.
Dont Acuse, ramble on and cry about it. Sort your thoughts and present them to him and ask him to do the same.
Pages