Feel so hurt and detrayed
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| Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:13pm |
New here, but need some advice.
My spouse and I don't have a great sex life. I want it a couple times a week and he wants it once a week or twice a month. I've always felt like it was something wrong with me. He said it wasn't me. He said he just didn't have desire. Well, I believed him. We are married with children and are highschool sweethearts.
I had a suspicion that he was pleasuring himself (if you know what I mean), but didn't know for sure. I felt like this because when we did have sex, he usually had to pull out and finish off the job. I mean 98% of the time it ends with him using his hand. Well, last night I caught him taking care of his needs while watching porn. I was so hurt. I didn't see him in the act; I just walked in after he was finished. He said it was an accident. He said he was watching a movie and it just happened. I don't believe him. I think he was purposely finding pleasure. I don't have a big problem with porn. He's not addicted to it or anything. I just think he's lying.
I'm just so very hurt because he rejects me day after day. And to find out this just breaks my heart. I was so upset that I couldn't sleep last night and haven't been able to eat. In fact, I was so upset with it that I was physically sick at my stomach.
I don't know what to do. I don't want him to touch me and I can't stop crying. He says, he wants to "make it up to me". I don't want to even sleep with him. The bad thing is that I try to do everything I can to have sex "his way." I've been open to all his fantasies and I'm sick of trying.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not leaving my spouse. We have children and I have no where to go. I just don't know how to deal with this and get over the pain.
Anyone's advice is appreciated. I have to figure out how to deal.

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OK, I can understand how you feel, and it's horrible when so many other parts of the relationship are great yet one private important part is so bad. It's a dilemma.
But as allbluff just said, you have to put aside the self-pity and the blame and the anger and start making some decisions. Stop pvssy-footing around. Are you going to spend the rest of your life in this situation? Is what you are asking so difficult for him to comprehend? Does he truely understand what this is about and what it is doing to you as a couple? Do you REALLY know what is going on inside his head?
You say that you have talked and talked about this - I believe you but, somehow, you missed the important parts and skimmed over the sensitive stuff. You still don't really know why he prefers to use his hands. "Because he thought you liked it" is not the real reason or a real answer - he's thrown it back at you, and it sounds like you didn't correct him and explain that you do not like it all the time and what you consider an appropriate solution to be. You need to tell him that that reply is not the real reason and you want to know why he said that and what the real reason is. You still don't know why the two of you only have sex once a month. You honestly don't know how often he wants sex or wants to masturbate. You only assume that he masturbates in the shower. If you KNEW that he had a low libido then maybe you could work out a compromise. Instead, part of you is convinced that he simply doesn't want sex with you. If that is true, you NEED to know why, and you need to figure out a solution.
Put basically you have to sit down and work through all this. Believe me when I say that it's not just you that will be hurt in this relationship - he's going to have things that he feels that YOU haven't been doing too, and things that he's "upset" about too.
Bear in mind that it can be surprisingly easy to fall into a rut of NOT having sex and letting life get in the way. It may have started when you had children, it may be something else entirely, but it is very easy to get into a routine of being too tired and too busy and too exhausted to have sex. You turn him down a few times, then he turns you down a few times. You both get into a routine of NOT having sex. Suddenly you both start getting a little hesistant about asking, you both feel a little rejected and stop asking, you actually get used to not having sex. The resentment builds for no real reason and then suddenly you find yourself in this situation of being incredibly dissatisfied with your lack of sex life and not knowing how you got there or how to fix it.
It ticks me off that it comes back to being my fault. I cry because that's how I deal with things. I hadn't face to face accused him of anything. I tried talking. He doesn't want to. He denies.
And the bull crap about
>>DONT make it all about what you want!! <<
It's never about what I want. I do anything he wants in bed just to get the physical contact I need. I do things I hate to in times to make him happy! And liven things up, I'm the only darn one that tries.
Sorry I wasted everyone's time.
whoa whoa whoa, Slow down. I wasnt trying to say it was your fault. I was just trying to make a point about making sure BOTH of You sit down and Address BOTH peoples needs.
I've been in a similar situation before, I know how you feel. Your reaction to my post is VERY defensive, Your anger really showed there. If during your conversations with your partner that anger is showing no wonder he doesnt want to talk!. You have to be calm and willing to take as much blame as you put on him. This didnt happen overnight did it?
Besides, I wasnt really pointing my Previous post to you directly - It was more to a different poster who's post stated that she got angry and fought with her boyfriend to the point of him leaving sometimes. Which is certainly not the way to go about things.
Take a few deep breathes and Try to understand I wasnt attacking you or blaming you.
And as far as you doing things you dont like for your husband, STOP. In My Experience... why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Dont give him whatever he wants just so you can settle for a little attention. Tell him you dont enjoy those things for whatever reason, and then dont do them unless you want to.
Good Luck!
Dear SNS,
I haven't read all the responses to your post, so I might be redundant here...for that I apologize.
I can hear how upset you are, but I suspect it is not why think. once a week sex or every other week sex is not a huge difference from twice a week sex (some people that post here want sex every day and their spouse once a year). Clear communication will help with that and compromise.
HOWEVER, I think your need is not as much for sex but for intimacy and attention. You mentioned that you he doesn't kiss you passionately etc. I think that is the real need here.
Often times men that need to ejaculate outside their partners bodies are often dealing with issues of trust. Orgasm is about letting go...about surrendering, and men (or women for that matter) that can't let go and trust can't orgasm naturally. Orgasm is a tremendously emotionally open time, and if they don't feel safe it's common for men to need to orgasm outside the vagina and women with this problem don't orgasm at all.
Keep in mind that this trust issue probably has nothing to do with you, in fact, he is probaby not even aware of it. It is most likely a patterned behavior that goes back to childhood. The story doesn't really matter other than to acknowledge it and then let it go.
As far as lying about masturbation. He is obviously ashamed and afraid of exactly the reaction that you had. Keep in mind, his mastubating is not about you at all, nor is his inability to be fully intimate with you.
You best bet is to focus on developing intimacy with each other outside the bedroom. Talk to each other, cuddle, share dreams and thoughts. When he begins to feel safe things will begin to shift and in just spending time together some of your need for touch and intimacy will be satisfied. The sex will take care of itself.
Good luck,
Scott.
>>It ticks me off that it comes back to being my fault. <<
I don't think that is what anyone is saying here.
You've got realise that no-one blames you for feeling angry and upset about this, but being angry and upset in front of your husband when you are trying to talk about this issue will do more harm than good. As I said before, he will not open up and he will get defensive. I know that you think that it is HIS fault and is about the things that he is doing (or rather NOT doing) in the bedroom. But there is much more to it than just that. Somewhere along the way the TWO of you have lost the communication that you once had and you have gone off on different paths. No one person is truly at fault here. I doubt that he purposefully does these things to hurt you.
So now, faced with this issue, there is little point blaming each other. At this point you have to accept that you both have a problem and fix it. Blaming each other for something that noone is to blame for will do no good.
At this point in time, you are the only one facing up to it and asking for advice and help. It's going to be difficult and possibly a slow process to get him to the place that you are now - acknowledging that there is a problem and realising that the two of you both need to open up to get it sorted out - that it is something that has happened between the TWO of you and that it is not just about one partner.
All bluff, Please accept my well-deserved apology. I honestly didn't mean to be so defensive. I guess I was so hurt that I just took it the wrong way. I know you meant no harm in any way. So, for that, I truly aplogize. I do appreciate your advice and the time you took to answer my post.
Scott, you are right on the money. Sex, to me is a time to feel needed and wanted. I don't feel this any other time in our marriage since he doesn't compliment, flirt, or show alot of affection. He does tell me he loves me everyday. I had a hard childhood that left me with a bad attitude toward myself. I find the worst in everything about me. I have to work on that. But you were so right.
I did talk to my husband again and told him that I was more hurt that he lied to me about the masturbation than the actual masturbation. I told him that I felt like he lied because he was ashamed and it was nothing to be ashamed about. I didn't see him any different. I love him that same and what he did was normal and okay. I was just hurt that he lied about the whole thing and all. And that I was afraid that it was happening more often. He admitted that he did lie and he apologized. He said he just got caught up in the moment and took it all the way. He said that it was not happening all the time. We were able to work all this out.
Thanks to all of you who posted, I do appreciate it very, very much!!!!
This seems to me to be an overly strong reaction. He's not cheating on you or anything. I'm not sure it's a big deal. I have no interest in porn whatsoever, but I can why guys who like to watch pretty girls sucking huge c___s would find it hot. It's as much an innocent release as anything else, I really think so.
I guess the problem that concerns me more is the lying -- if he looked you in the eye and said, "gee, I mean i just find this stuff a real turn-on and so yeah I get off to it sometimes, no disrespect intended" it would be hard to begrudge him this.
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