Feeling frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2010
Feeling frustrated
3
Sat, 11-30-2013 - 4:33am

Hi, just here to vent more than anything, don't have many people to talk with, I do welcome any comments, suggestions, advice. It seems that my relationship with my BF of 4.5 years has recently become a little too complacent for my liking. I enjoy the comforts that a steady relationship brings, but I am finding that there is no spark that used to be there- I don't feel like he notices me as much as he used to, he doesn't want to have sex as often as he used to, and when he does, it's always the same ol' thing, same position, etc. Recently, we've gone back to the "sex once a week" regime- which we entered into maybe a half year ago, then it got better, and now (like I said), here we are again. There have been several times in the last couple of weeks where he's gotten me into it, and then something will come up (his leg hurts, his head hurts- something) where we don't end up having sex. This has been very detrimental to my well-being, makes me feel unattractive and unwanted, and feeling upset in general. I haven't said anything to him because I don't want to seem insensitive if he really is in pain- it just seems all to convenient that he goes the entire day without a complaint, and once we're ready to get it on, something will come up. 

It makes me sad, frustrated, hurt just thinking about it. He has also been taking an herbal supplement within the past couple of months to keep his erection, which has also contributed to my feeling of unattractiveness- we are still relatively young, why does he need to take a pill to be attracted to me? 

I am somewhat suspect of an affair, although it's only a slight glimmer in my mind- he fed me a story today where he drove almost an hour to get to a store when the same store was just down the street. And then later tonight was when he said he wanted to have sex but then we ended up not. 

Thanks for listening. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-30-2013 - 12:21pm

Hi  You concern is important to understand.   Many people have dissimilar sexual drives.  You i suspect have two related problems. 

   One is the expectations of a level of attention,affection and desire.   Introspection is necessary.  First to know your self.  What are your career,economic and emotional/sexual goals?  Not what you think you should want, but what in your heart do want for yourself? 

   " He has also been taking an herbal supplement within the past couple of months to keep his erection"   This is very important!!!   Men have to have an erection.  But it is not uncommon for them to lose an erection.  But it is very devastating!!!!!

   Once it gets into his brain it is hard to get out.  Every time he  does not get an erection he questions his maleness.  After all aren't men supposed to get an erection when the wind blows?    Men need to have confidence in that everything will work on que.  But when it does not many men lose confidence and everytime it happens they lose more of what confidence they had.

   Let me explain it from a female POV.  How would you feel about sex if every other time he wanted sex you would not lubricate?  Would you not start finding reasons to avoid sex? 

   However, there is another possiblity to consider.  Lack of blood flow. 

   There is your response to him.  If you are taking it personally you would reinforce his feeling of failure.  You must stop if you have expressed frustration.  Think of your self as his coach.  He must feel confident in his masculinity.  So the first step is praise and expressions of your confidence in him.  Your confidence must be subtle or he will think you are mocking him (as he is already beating himself up over it.).

  Let me also tell you that while I have given you resources to read it is very important that except for the blood flow possibility & Tantric you NEVER let him know that you are reasearching these things as if it is confidence he may take it negativly.  So delete the histories from your computer, copy and past to a document type and the encrypt that folder.  You then can go back and read thenm without him knowing.  Transparency is not a good idea in this case.  As you want to build up confidence.

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/sexual-performance-anxiety/

http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/

http://health.howstuffworks.com/sexual-health/sexuality/tantric-sex-dictionary.htm

http://www.celesteanddanielle.com/men-sex-coaching/

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 12-01-2013 - 1:21pm

Feeling frustrated doesn't solve anything!  He's not doing anything that he hasn't done before......but you're allowing your imagination to run wild.....to an affair.  You're also thinking like a "victim".  He can't get an erection, therefore he isn't "attracted" to you?  Attraction doesn't cause an erection.  Erections are physiological events.  A man thinks of sex, there's an available partner, and he gets an erection.  He doesn't have to be "attracted" to the available partner at all......he want's sex.  If a man has physical problems.......lack ot testosterone could be one, or a vascular problem could be another.  If he has clogged arteries, the blood flow is cut off......no blood, no erection.  Herbal supplements are useless, and can even be dangerous!  He's wasting his time and money with them.  He NEEDS to see a doctor to find out what's going on......and if he's ok physically, the doctor can prescribe viagra or cialis that will really help him.  Or he can help increase his hormone levels. 

If he's having problems with erections, that can explain his "sudden pains".  Men don't like to admit they have a problem, they seem to think erections equal masculinity.  Rather than say.......oops, it's not working......he'll have a sudden reason to stop, leg hurts, headache, etc. 

Last but not least, before you jump to conclusions about infidelity, have you tried talking to him about all your feelings, and asking him what's going on with him?  It would help if he feels you're sympathetic to whatever his problems are......and help him understand how YOU feel.  Men aren't mindreaders, and you aren't one either.  Talk to him about getting a physical, and let him know you're behind him no matter what the outcome.

Sex isn't a measure of love, it isn't a measure of his attraction to you.  It's simply an activity that two people can enjoy, and sometimes something can happen to limit the sex, but that in no way has an effect on feelings for the partner.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and letting your imagination run wild......TALK to him.  Don't make accusations, ask questions. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Mon, 12-02-2013 - 9:40am

Simpletin,

Why don't you sit down and try to talk with him,to see if there are any medical problems going on with him?Talk to him and see what's happening.Maybe there is something going on with him medically that he might be afraid of letting you know.Having sex once a week I think is pretty darn GOOD! It better than not having it at all.Suppose he was like me who was dianosed with prostate cancer and had to have surgery,Which now I am no longer able to have sex with my wife because I can't no longer get an erection to be able to put it inside her.I know what it did to me when I found out and every since this has happend,We haven't had sex in 3 years now.Yes I am sure my wife had some flustration at the begining,But it seemed like she very well understood why I wouldn't be able to have sex with her anymore and also,because the love that's there for eachother is really strong that has kept us together.With all the laughter,warmth enbracing,understanding and other little fun thing we do in more important to us than just wanting sex.   Like I mentioned,checking things out and sit down and talk to him to see what is going on before you decide to do something that you might end up regretting later.

Hope what I said will give you some ensight.