Feeling Rejected..Again
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| Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:44pm |
I posted this on my "regular" board (Stepparenting) but someone recommened I post here too:
Tired of being unhappy, tired of trying, tired of having "issues" tired of struggling, tired of having to do better and improve myself for the sake of the relationship (self help books et.al), tired of asking of giving, tired of stress, tired of relationships being hard work... tired.. tired, tired of taking it for the team, tired of being such a go-getter (I can't help it) and no man being able to "deal" and being "emasculated" why can't I be a wall flower coy mouse, tired of DF and his ex causing so much stress ...Why didn't I just stay single?
It's been over a year together and we've been under stress of from BM suing "us" (my money too- now I'm carrying the load- without me he'd have to sell the house)for 25% of gross since 3 weeks ago. - I think that DF is depressed. He doesn't want to go out anymore, he's tired all the time and now and just down.
He quit golf (said he couldn't afford it) everything now "we can't afford it"
So then there's the other "issue" - we've been together for a year and a half- engaged after a year, been living together for 3 months. You'd think we'd be honeymooning like crazy- noooopppppe.I have a high libido I guess- ex-h couldn't keep up either and I guess I'm aggressive sexually - which you'd think would be every man's fantasy right? Nope!
With my exh- I was 100+ overwieght so I guess I understand why he wouldn't want too.. but now- I've lost the weight- great shape- and without sounding conceded- got it goin' on! I've even been asked and have done some spokes modeling gigs- Long Blonde Hair- young, in shape, model- what the hell do these men friggin WANT!?? My ex- had a internet porn addiction and didn't touch me for the last 6 months of my marriage. I feel like "Here we go again" From looking at DF you'd think he was mr. virile- almost went pro in football- freakishly large muscular man- looks like Vin desil guy (sp) but Nope!
Since the engagement - his sex interest has steadliy declined. I'm sure it's because I'm initiating and all that "Rules" crap. ANd the added stress that his ex is causing. I guess I should just be coy and wait for him but that SUCKS! I have also heard from a longtime freind of DF that his ex-w always complained he "never wanted too" for more than 1-2 times a month. I guess she masterbated constantly- which he is so afraid I'm going to do- I guess that's why he never wanted to with her- he didn't feel like a man that could please her. Fine then.. I respect that- I don't like him looking at porn/strippers/whatever since what I went through in my past. But now I understand why she did "do that" all the time- good god!
In the mean time I feel ugly and unnattractive all over again. I guess I should be freaking patient and put my freakin needs on hold LIKE I ALWAYS DO!
Last night we had no kids- so I thought I could be seductive and ended up badgering him to "put on a show" for him he tried but then complained that he was gross (just took out garbage" and walked out of the room and was mad at me. Fine I understand "no means no" but Jesus Christ! I feel like I'm always asking for sex (I would love 3-4xs a week- we're honeymooners for crying out loud!) and it's a chore for him and I feel like he always has a "headache"- not kidding- too tired or whatever.I thought honest partnerships meant being honest with your needs- guess not. Guess I should finish reading "the surrendered wife" and let him initiate all the time so he feels like the man.. ugh- feel rejected and hurt .... all over again....and obviously it's a pattern I'm repeating. I just get tired of suppressing who I am ( a go-getter sucessfull executive) just so I don't emasculate the men in my life- can't some man out there just be ok with sexually aggressive women?Please?
Just want to cry, disengage and not try to do any improvement for a while- just take care of me... AND took care of myself this morning.(sorry gross and personal)
friggin jerk...
scm

Sounds like you two need to have a talk.....a LONG talk. There's a lot more to a man wanting sex than you losing weight, and looking like a model. You're THINKING you're being rejected...that doesn't mean you are. That's insecurity talking, not facts.
You said someone told you that he only wanted sex 1-2 times a month in his first marriage? But you've decided that it was because his ex masturbated, therefore he felt he wasn't enough of a man? How about maybe she masturbated because he wasn't interested in sex? It's always interesting to hear BOTH sides of the story!
It's bad enough dealing with ex's.....financial problems, etc. Add to it a dissatisfied wife, and it sounds like he's just got too much on his plate to deal with all of it.
Communication is the key. Stop with the insecurity, and start talking, and listen to what HE has to say. You may be engaged, but you'd better start working on the problems before you consider marriage.....because they won't miraculously go away when you say "I do"......they'll just get worse.
I am with you all the way...my story is almost exactly the same...and I am tired, tired, tired too.
It isn't us, we know we are diserable, I have plenty of male friends waiting to see if I will become single and here I am in this constant state of misery because I have some idea in my head that I am in love and that I don't really have a right to demand sex, that if I do its because there is something wrong with me, at least thats what it feel like he would like me to believe.
We started off incredibly compatible, up till we reached the 9 month mark in our relationship, then we went through some difficulties that separated us for a month but resolved those and got back together. After the breakup was resolved it was heaven it was like we were in sync physically and emotionally but by the time we were 4 months in I started to notice a wanning in his sexual appetite and it has been steadly getting worse. In Sept we will ahve 2 years together and in the last 4 weeks we have had sex 3 times, 2 of those times he lost his erection (he has never had any trouble with erections before) and the other time was a masterbation session to a porn clip. We have done these masterbation sessions before but this time he was totaly lost on the porn and I felt like I may as well have disapeared, I was not able to orgasism.
So what do I do, I tried to call the whole thing off just last night and he slept in the spare room, but early this morning he crawled into my bed and cuddled me and I let him do it because I felt sorry, but will he ever learn to treat me differently if I keep letting him get away with this behavior???
I am soooo frustrated and I completely understand what you are going through!
I'm not entirely sure that your personality is causing any problems. You seem to think that you're emasculating your men, but I don't _really_ any reason for you to think that way. Not from what you've told us anyway.
The financial stress and emotinal stress of the whole BM thing is a problem. Not a LOT that you can do about that right at the moment other than to take time out from it whereever possible. Try not to spend every waking moment dealing with it.
It also sounds like he has a naturally low libido anyway. Maybe it's because of the stress and maybe he had a low libido when he was with the BM because of the stressful bad relationship there too, but it might be the other way around too. That relationship might have been bad because of his low libido.
Talk to him. Suggest that he talk to his Doctor about things. He might have some ideas.