Firend w/Benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Firend w/Benefits
18
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 7:52pm

I came out of a long term relationship and I am afraid to get into new one yet, never been married. Running a relationship takes lots of time, efforts, and sometimes stress. Yet, for the first time I find the phrase "friend with benefits(steady someone)" enticing. I am healthy Asian in my 30's living in the largest city in US but I am beginning to wonder if I am the only one having this thought. I don't want to go into sleezy scene or magazine to hook up with the situation not intended. And it would be hard to approach someone with this idea without giving certain preconceived ideas.

2 questions.
How do I go about finding someone? What is the runle of thumb to make this kind of relationship healthy and alive? I would appreciate if you can share the idea.
pccm178@yahoo.com

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 8:26pm

If you read in the archives what I've posted about my FWB situation - you will see many different opinons on this situation...

Hope you have better luck than me!!!

Blessings -

Liz

PS - I'm all for a FWB situation, but, sadly, I have no advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 8:32pm

I think for sure I have a perspective on this as this is exactly what I've been in for the past four months. It's very intense and I don't think many people could easily handle it. There are emotions it brings up that are totally new to me. We have dates about once every week or two, about half the time spending the night together. The guy lives a few hours away and we almost always meet up at a hotel. I am not sure where he lives and vice-versa.

We text and email a lot, and talk on the phone some but not so much, almost always about music or sex or both. I have to say, it has worked out very well _for what it is_. The chemistry and the attraction is awesome. We don't spend one minute talking about "our relationship" or really about anything other than what was hot the last time together or what we want to do next time we are together. It's nothing too exotic, just very very intense oral and IC and facials and such. It is just very graphic, hard sex. I'm quite small and he's quite tall, so it just adds to the yin/yang of it. Plus, he's extremely smart and extremely good-natured, and the contrast of his being a really super guy with wonderful manners and the most intense guy in bed by far that I've ever met really knocks me out.

I have never been addicted to a drug but it is honestly almost like I am addicted to the guy. He can send me a really really dirty text out of the blue any time of day or night and I totally lose my ability to concentrate ... it really is _that_ hot. My pulse totally races and I just lose focus on everything. The amazing thing is that it is as hot now as it was four months ago. I think I found it really surprising but not insulting that he was very frank about wanting to get together with me to have sex, and then he followed through by making it totally amazing. Amazing, amazing, _amazing_ compared to my past bfs.

It's bad because I am not spending any time developing normal relationships with guys -- I _do_ want to get married one day and this is not the way to get there. But it is so satisfying in a wierd way that I just have not been going on normal dates much because I haven't really felt the urge. (One guy I dated was nice but slightly effeminate and gave me a kiss and I remember thinking, "does he know I gave my FWB like three bjs yesterday?" lol) The other bad thing is, it's a bit one-sided: he knows full well that I would like a relationship with him but he does not want one with me. I'd surely move in with him tomorrow! Still, I can see this going on for a loooong time.

Oh. We met very briefly at a party when we were both out of town.

I would say try it but it will be different for sure than a normal relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 12:06am
Before meeting my spouse I was in a 'friend with benefits' relationship. The individual was a person of the opposite sex whom I had a good platonic relationship with for several years and was 15 years my senior. As time went on a sexual attraction developed between us and we were both at a point in our lives where a relationship like this could develop. The relationship lasted on and off for about a year until 'my benefit' friend started developing feelings for me and wanted more from the relationship than what I was willing to give. At that point a decision had to be made if we redined our relationship or end it. I decided to end it because I had sexual feelings for them but I did not see this relationship progressing into a 'couples' relationship.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:54am

I've personally never had this type of arrangement but if you can avoid developing more intimate and romantic feelings for a sex partner, then it could work for you.

But I think with the examples above, you can see that it is easier said than done! Women tend to bond with those they sleep with so there will be a risk of becoming more attached than you may intend. And it always seems that one friend or the other always wants more.




Edited 7/19/2005 1:56 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 7:43am

Hello,

I am also in a FWB relationship. After a long term relationship with a guy who was not really interested I decided that it was not worth it to invest so much time and emotions in another guy for a while. However I met my FWB in a very unusual way, I was not trying to find someone like him, it just happened.
I was single but wanted to get pregnant. He was a donor. At the beginning it was artificial insemination, but later he suggested to do it the natural way. I was reluctant since I thought I could never have sex with someone whom I don't love. However I gave up and that's when I discovered that he was amazing in bed. It was rampant sex, completely different to what I've ever had before. When I realised that the baby thing was not going to happen. I suggested to become sexual partners with no strings attached and he was quite happy to take the offer.
Now, we met twice per month. Besides those occasions we never talked or called each other. Our FWB relationship is based on sex, we feel free to explore new things, we enjoy this sort of relationship because there are no problems involved. We both know that this only works because of sex.
I think that it can last as it is, as long as we keep it fresh, with no commitments, as exciting as it is, just as a FWB relatioship should be. It is also very important to have good communication between us, otherwise it will start becoming something as a typical boyfriend-girlfriend relationship where you lie to satisfy your partner's needs or desires.

iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 4:58pm
Any comments about a woman who keeps ..say.. three FWB`s during th same time period?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 5:53pm
Yep...what's good for the goose, is good for the gander! LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 7:21am
A woman -with three FWB at the same time- must have a high sexual drive. I don't like the idea at all. Sex should be an important part of your life but not all in your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 9:52am

But you said you and your FWB only meet twice a month.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 9:55am
If it's FWB, what difference does it make if

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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