Firend w/Benefits
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| Mon, 07-18-2005 - 7:52pm |
I came out of a long term relationship and I am afraid to get into new one yet, never been married. Running a relationship takes lots of time, efforts, and sometimes stress. Yet, for the first time I find the phrase "friend with benefits(steady someone)" enticing. I am healthy Asian in my 30's living in the largest city in US but I am beginning to wonder if I am the only one having this thought. I don't want to go into sleezy scene or magazine to hook up with the situation not intended. And it would be hard to approach someone with this idea without giving certain preconceived ideas.
2 questions.
How do I go about finding someone? What is the runle of thumb to make this kind of relationship healthy and alive? I would appreciate if you can share the idea.
pccm178@yahoo.com

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I see no problem as long as all are practicing safer sex.
Big
I was ok with being FWB#2 after testing; until I found out that she had gone back to having unprotected sex with FWB#1. We both suspected that FWB#1 was not monogamous. So I ended my FWB with her, went thru 2 cycles of testing, and will not be going back to her bed (altho we are still Friends...but without benefits).
Big
Hello,
I think that for women is a little bit difficult to apply the rule of sex with "no strings attached". However, it is not impossible. You must be prepared from the beginning about what you want from this guy, which is only sex.
I am also in a FWB relationship but I cannot call him my "friend" really. We deliberately avoid talking to each other on the phone in order to not develop an emotional relationship. I know myself and I know that if I spent more time with him I would also want more than sex...
Men seem to know how to separate sex from love, but for us is different. My advice for you is that you should try not to put yourself in a vulnerable position, otherwise you will get hurt. Put some distance between you and him.
iliana
I think that is very good advice. I am in a FWB relationship with a much younger woman who lives a couple of hours away. I've really de-emphasized the normal "relationship" stuff because each time we get off on the slightest thing , her real feelings come out and it's obvious beyond obvious that she really, really wants a relationship with me but for some reason at this point in my life I simply don't care to have one. In fact I am not sure we would get along all that well on a day-to-day basis. I think it is best that we specifically keep the day-to-day out of it -- one time she got a bit fussy, nothing too major, just about the pressures in her life and so on, and I think realized within about a day that I was simply not going to be there for her on those types of things. Somehow I have been able to take her places in bed that she hasn't been before -- and for some reason she feels like a million bucks around me. She's a wonderful, pretty girl with a bright future and I almost hope she can find a normal boyfriend and have the sort of relationship everyone, and certainly she, deserves.
What I am not happy with myself about is that the more frankly sexual I make this -- couldn't be franker or hotter -- the more she seems to want to be with me, whereas the point of my behaving like that was initially to make her want to be with me _less_. I am getting fairly concerned that while she is absolutely sincere in wanting to be with me, I am just using her. While it feels good to be with her, it does not feel good to know I'm simply using her -- it's simply wrong to do that do people. She's abroad for a few weeks so that has given me the opportunity to reflect on where this is heading.
Long and short, I totally agree: keep feelings well out of it. Have a wonderful time, and be respectful of the other person and make them feel great, and enjoy their company. But keep the feelings out and these things can presumably go on indefinitely with what some would say were spectacularly sexy, great moments.
To me, a FWB relationship actually entails a friendship. You trust the other person, and you enjoy hanging out with him/her. On the plus side, you two spend some intimate time with each other, without any 'relationship-related commitments'.
I am currently in a FWB relationship. I won't lie, I do have feelings for the guy, and I know that he has feelings for me. But at the same time, we are both so busy with our lives that we can't afford to commit. And I will be moving next summer, so if we were to begin a real relationship, it would have to end- neither of us really wants to get into something serious knowing for a fact that it will end, no matter what. So we hang out whenever possible, and share 'benefits' with each other. We both know that if one of us happens to meet someone else, then we can end the benefits and simply remain good friends.
It is a bit nerve wracking, not being able to fully define what we are. We go out on dates, we see each other maybe two evenings a week. We don't always have sex. Sometimes we just enjoy each other's company as friends. I guess maybe we could be defined as 'indefinite daters'.
Jen
Jules 1984,
I think you actually have the true FWB relationship..Seems to me that most people involved with a FWB relationship, base it around sex...I have been in a FWB relationship for a long time, and we are firends first, last and always....and never want it to change to anything else..........
We don't date..we go to dinner together, or lunch or brunch.....even take trips to the beach...and never on any time schedule...we may meet once a month or less frequently, but we keep in touch always....and from time to time, sex is exchanged and enjoyed...
I read about needing a commitment for sexual activity to be meaningful...well we are commited to a very long lasting FRIENDSHIP...we really are Best Friends, in any way of thinking.....and it is soooooo easy to talk about all the stuff in our lives, because neigther of us are judgemental, just supportative.....and always just a phone call away....
So my advice, keep the strings off..and work hard at keeping it truly a best friend type relationship....in todays climate, a true friend and a meaningful friendship are a rare commitity....
Just my thoughts
It is always interesting to get the point of view of a guy.
I don't see your relationship as you using her. She knows that you are not going to commit. Using another person implies that you are lying to her and creating false expectations in order to get sex, but this is not the case. The problem seems to be that it is inevitable for her to have expectations. It is also inevitable for me to have deep down some hope that maybe my friend and I could have something more. But I just see it as an illusion, something like wanting to live in a castle. :-)
Therefore, I don't get hurt, I am quite aware of it.
I have thought about what would it happen if me or him suddenly start developing some emotional attachment for the other. I think that I would put an end to it because it would become an unequal relatioship. One of us would stop enjoying it and then the purpose of having a FWB would go down to the drain. It would have become a normal relationship with ALL the problems that normal relationships have.
I think that you should tell her that it is the best thing for HER to reconsider your FWB relationship. Ask her if she wants to continue seeing someone who will make no promises and who only wants sex from her. It might be hard but at the end it is always better to clear any misunderstanding quickly than leave it at the end.
iliana
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