First time
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First time
| Tue, 06-27-2006 - 9:28am |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 1yr 1/2 and have just started having sex. We have had sex 3 times and all three times it was great. I didn't get an orgasm or anything but it only hurt at the beginning and then it felt good. I can tell it feels good for him too and he says it does, but he hasn't been able to cum any of the three times. The first two times his erection went away after awhile but the last time, the one he says felt the best, it was still hard but after awhile it wasn't feeling as good and it was almost starting to hurt a bit so we stopped. Should I have kept going and then would he have cummed? It takes him a long time to cum when I give him a handjob, so maybe I just need to go longer? But are there any tips as to how to make it feel better for me so that I want to go longer? I know we are just beginnign and I've been warned that it won't be great at the beginning btu I really want to make him cum. Or is there any advice for him? He will be reading the responses too. It's not that he's hiding anything or not telling me something because we have a really, really open relationship and we talk about everything. Can someone please offer some advice because I really want him to feel good?

Ok, you're starting on the long road of a lifetime of sexuality. You've got a lot to learn about each other, and the opposite sex in general.
A man enjoys sex with someone he cares about. Whether or not he reaches climax and/or ejaculates is up to him, NOT you. There is NOTHING you can do to make it happen, anymore than there is anything he can to to MAKE you have an orgasm.
There are lots of reasons why a man can't finish, most of them mental/emotional. It might be fear....fear of you getting pregnant. It might be inexperience and nervousness. It might simply be that he's so used to masturbating that it's going to take him time to learn to relax and let it happen this way. Whatever the reason(s), it's nothing to worry about, and worrying about it will only make it worse.
The same thing applies to your orgasms. You've had sex three times. I hate to tell you this, but some women can have sex for years before they ever have orgasms. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy it, it only means that they haven't learned how to let themselves go completely and allow it to happen. It could also be the same reasons that apply to him. Fear, fear of pregnancy, fear of being found out, guilt, many reasons. Are you aware that most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone? There is very little feeling inside the vagina, and it's not your "real" sexual organ. Your clitoris is where most orgasms originate, either before intercourse during foreplay, or during intercourse with clitoral stimulation from him, yourself or your position.
Usually, the reason it "hurts" in the beginning is that you didn't have enough foreplay to completely arouse you, and get you well lubricated. That can be because you're nervous, too. Beginners should get some sexual lubricant and use it. Eventually, you won't need it, but you do in the beginning. Intercourse shouldn't hurt, and being well lubricated, either naturally, or with the help of a lubricant will usually prevent pain.
If he has a problem ejaculating during intercourse, and it's getting painful for you, then you just stop, and you can always finish him manually or orally, or he can finish himself.
Even though sex is supposed to be a "natural" thing.....you have to LEARN what works for him, what works for you, and learn how to relax and enjoy what you're doing. Most beginners are too nervous to relax and enjoy. Also, every new partner is a new learning experience. I know that now, in the beginning of your first new and wonderful relationship that you can't imagine ever being with another man, but chances are you will. And when you are, it will be a new learning experience all over again, because all men are different, and all women are different. What works with one may not work with another.
One last thing, if you're not on b/c, then you need to be. If you're going to be sexually active, you don't want to live in fear of an unwanted pregnancy. That alone can make you nervous, and unable to completely enjoy the sex.
It's wonderful that you're both open, and talk about things, but don't talk things to death, especially orgasm and ejaculation problems. Let it go, time will take care of it. Too much talking just makes it into a problem, and it's NOT a problem.
Both of you should check out www.the-clitoris.com You can both learn a lot about the femal body and sexual response.
In all probability, your BF is still masturbating regularly. That stimulation is very different than vaginal stimulation, as is your manual stimulation from his own. Ask him.
If he's having problems finishing during intercourse, ask him to stop masturbating for a while. Once he learns to respond to your vaginal, manual and/or oral stimulation, he can start masturbating again.
You don't "make" him orgasm though. HE does that. It isn't a measure of the experience by any means either. Each experience together is a new one.
So, let him worry about his orgasm, and you worry about yours. All any partner can do is take direction and allow yourself to respond.