First time

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
First time
8
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:29pm

I'm a virgin in a relationship with a guy who has a lot more relationship and sexual experience than me. He considers me his best friend, but there's a strong attraction to each other. He's three years older than me and he lost his virginity when he was my age. Because of the experience gap, I'm REALLY nervous about sleeping with him.

We're becoming more and more open with each other about it, communicating about concerns and our feelings about it. He assures me that the sex won't change anything, but he's concerned about how I'm going to react to it since it's all new to me (will I fret about it, will I think that it has changed everything, etc). He understands the reasons why I've chosen to remain a virgin for this long, and he's extremely respectful of that, which I appreciate. Even so, I'm thinking that I want to give my virginity to him, but I'm kind of scared! I hear first times are so bad! Also, I'm nervous and worried I won't be able to relax since he has so much experience and I don't, and I'll be worried that I'm doing something wrong. I'm the kind of person who holds herself to really high standards in almost everything I do - school, work, social life, and a sex life when I choose to go that route. I think that's why I'm having these jitters. I've already done my research on the pill and condoms and STDs, and I will definitely be on birth control when it does happen. But the first time jitters are still there. Any advice or thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
In reply to: karatepanda
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:37pm

I lost my virginity to a virgin, so we had the same level of experience. However, my fiance was a virgin when we started dating. The experience level was different, but I loved and respected him enough to be patient when we decided to start having sex. It took numerous tries over a span of three days before he could actually insert it due to lack of foreplay and other reasons. So, what I'm saying is that if your boyfriend loves and respects you, he will understand what the situation's like for you, and you'll have nothing to worry about. As for pain and emotions of the first time, it did hurt when I had sex for the first time, but I've heard of people also having pleasurable experiences. If your boyfriend is experienced, then that will probably make your experience better because he'll know what he's doing. As for emotions....don't do it if you're having a single doubt, because you'll end up regretting it. Wait until you're 100 percent positive that you want to, and the emotions you feel will be positive ones because you'll feel in love and connected with your boyfriend. Good luck!

-Linda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: karatepanda
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 10:51pm
You have to remember that, even though your BF has sexual experience that you lack, he will still be inexperienced with you. Every time a man has a sexual relationship with a new woman, he is inexperienced with her and also has those feelings of inadequasies. You sound like an intelligent woman who will be an able learner. Just try to get over the "jitters" and enjoy the experience (assuming you are ready to give it a try).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: karatepanda
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 11:13pm

You say you're in a "relationship" with this guy, and he considers you his best friend. You say nothing about your feelings for him, other than there's an "attraction". Do you have real feelings for him, or is this something that you've decided to do because you just want to "get it over with"? If that's your reason, it's not a good reason. You didn't give your ages, but no matter what, as long as you've waited, why not wait for someone you really have feelings for? But, that's your decision.

Anyway, there are a couple of things you need to know. First, his "experience" and your lack of it. Experience doesn't necessarily mean anything, because it doesn't mean "knowledge". A man can have sex with 100 women, and still not know what he's doing. And even if he DOES know what he's doing, each new partner is a new learning experience, because every partner is different. There are no "cut and dried" rules about sex. Whatever works with one partner will not always work with another partner. First time sex between two very experienced people will not be as good as it will be once they really know each other's needs and desires sexually. It takes time, and practice to learn each other's hot spots, quirks, etc.

Secondly, you've heard that first time sex will be very painful. Whoever told you that is wrong. It CAN be, but it shouldn't be, and it won't be if you are fully aroused and well lubricated. If it's horribly painful for a woman, then her partner is just using her for his own pleasure. A man who cares about his partner will NOT proceed if she's in pain, he will stop. All women, not only virgins need foreplay, and time to get relaxed, aroused and lubricated. Virgins need extra time, because they're nervous, because they've heard the horror stories, because it's all new to them. Even if you're properly aroused, you're still going to be nervous, and probably dry, so buy some lubricant ahead of time, and use it. If it does hurt, then tell him to stop. You can try again another time, or later.

As for perfecionism, there's no such thing with sex. It's an imperfect pleasure. You won't do anything wrong if you enjoy it, and tell him so. If you're not sure what to do, ask him, because he knows you'll need his help a little. There's no "wrong" to sex, there's only good and better. Sex can be noisy, sloppy, your body can make noises, things can get messy, but if you truly care for each other, you don't even notice those things. You can't take it too seriously....you have to enjoy it. Sometimes even funny things happen, and you have to laugh.

It's an expression of caring and intimacy, and it should be the greatest feeling in the world, and it will be. Maybe not the first time, but after a few times, it'll be fine. If you're not sure of some of the physical aspects of it all, check out www.the-clitoris.com for lots of info on how your body works, and what to do to get the most out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
In reply to: karatepanda
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 11:46pm

I guess I should clarify some things. I think because we have this pseudo-best friends relationship on top of our romantic relationship, that complicates things (which goes back to his reassurances that it won't mess up the friendship/relationship). There's also a little uncertainty to it because he's leaving for graduate school in August. That's another reason why I'm inclined to remain a virgin, but whatever happens, I'm going to wait until I'm sure.

Also, by bad first times, I'm not referring so much to the physical pain, but more than lack of knowledge about the other's needs and wants. That seems like something that can only be figured out as you go along, but that doesn't stop me from being nervous about it.

Thanks to everyone so far for your comments!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: karatepanda
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 12:08pm
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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2005
In reply to: karatepanda
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 12:17pm

hi, i was in the same boat as you when i met my current boyfriend. we had been dating for several months and i was ready to let him have me, the problem was that i was still a virgin and he was already been with two other women. i was scared and i didnt think i was going to satisfy him... but in the end it worked out great. it took about 2 or 3 weeks for him to actually penetrate, but in the end it was the most amazing sexual experience ive ever had. we have been together for about a year and i am beginning to forget that there have ever been other women in his life.

if you truly believe that you are ready (it is a big step) then make sure you are comfortable with him, because if you cannot tell him how you are feeling about situation then it might not be the best idea and you should wait. i am sure he understands where you are coming from, he was a virgin once too and he was scared.. (even if his first was also a virgin, he was scared in his own way)..

trust me if you are ready you will know

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: karatepanda
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 12:37pm
Well look, if you are gonna do it...def be sure you are ready, don't plan it, let it happen! I made my first wait a year after we started dating till I told him I was ready. And when we did, he actually told me to go on top, which i thought was a little weird for the first time, but ended up being the best thing about it. I felt like I was in full control and not being pressured into anything. You may think that you won't know what to do on top...but I didn't even think about that being in the moment. It comes naturally, and he will asist you all the way through. And you can decide how it feels for yourself to make it pleasureable even for the first time, because you are in control. It did not hurt a bit for me and when we were done I happy with my decision. So I hope that some of this may help shed some light on it for you...good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2005
In reply to: karatepanda
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 1:33pm

mine first was the same way, i was on top, and he wasnt a virgin.. i was scared but it was amazing, i loved being in control and i didnt feel pressured when i was on top, i could go as slow or as fast as i wanted and it was easier to relax because he pretty much doesnt have the power to go any faster than you want an possibly make you feel uncomfortable.. on the other hand if you are comfortable with him to begin with he will take it easy the first time... and you'll have the time of your life... of course you have to be ready.... like the other person that wrote i did not hurt a bit afterwards, nothing like those rumors that you will be waddling like a duck.

when the time is right, have fun and dont be worried... you'll be satisfied.