first time a disaster
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 01-02-2005 - 11:36am |
Hi!
My new boyfriend of 1 month and I decided last night to have sex for the first time. I would usually wait longer with a guy before I had sex, but with him, there is an amount of chemistry I have never felt before with anyone. And it wasn't only physical chemistry; we got along very well and had many great conversations.
Before last night, we did pretty much everything BUT sex, and it was always great. He would have had sex with me right away, but I was the one who wanted to wait at least a little bit. So last night, I decided I was ready. And he knew that ahead of time. I guess I kind of planned it out (I know, that's horrible). I told him I'd spend the night at his place, etc. So basically, we both knew we would finally be having sex.
The thing is, when it happened, I got very awkward. When I put the condom on him, he lost his erection. He got pretty upset about it. He had been working out pretty hard that day, and he thought it might have been related to that. He also said he's always had 'problems' with condoms. And also, he said that the fact that it was planned out had put too much pressure on him; that he wanted it to be spur of the moment.
I slept over anyways, but we didn't do anything physical. This morning was quite awkard as well, it's as though we suddenly didn't have anything to say to each other. I'm not even sure if we'll see each other again now, which is really too bad because I really liked this guy. And if we do see each other, to be honest, I will be scared of anything happening between us. Even though we discussed it last night, I'm afraid things would still be weird.
Does anyone have any feedback? Does this kind of thing happen often? He kind of threw many reasons at me; I don't really know which one is true. Sex to me IS a big deal (at least the first time). But he doesn't want it to be. Could we ever find a just middle, or are we doomed from the start? I'm just really confused right now. He just dropped me off at home, and I'm really scared that things might be over between us.
Thanks for listening!
Julia

First of all
Hi Julia!
Read my post about me and my new bf : Is he not that in to me? Strange sex!!
This similar situation happend to me,even though we did have intercourse, but is was all quite..strange!
Anyway, between us its not over now, we talked about it, but not too much. That issue is all sorted out.
Make sure you dont make too big a deal out of it with him, the pressure can be affecting the erection big time! Dont plan it!
Good luck!!
Samie
You know what I mean?
Hi Jewels: Guys will lose their erections.
First time sex (intercourse) is usually awkward.....so there's nothing unusual there. Your awkwardness about putting on the condom is NOT the reason he lost his erection. He lost it because he was nervous, or possibly because he doesn't like condoms. Too bad about that!
Stop beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. So, you said you'd spend the night, that's hardly "planning" anything. For all he knew, you were just planning to do what you HAD been doing.....which by the way IS sex.....all of it. He didn't know you were going to allow intercourse this time.
He's the one who's probably embarassed about losing the erection.....which has nothing to do with you, and more than likely has nothing to do with him working out that day. Whatever the reasons he "threw at you".....means nothing. He lost it, and he's trying to pretend that it was your fault for "planning" something.
There's no reason for things to be "over" unless he wants them over. And if that's the case.....oh, well, it was only a month, not a long term relationship. If "failure" the first time was reason enough to end a relationship, then a large percentage of relationships would end very quickly.
I'd just wait and see if he calls or contacts you, and go from there. If he doesn't, he wasn't that enamored of you, and he's no loss. If he does contact you, don't even bring it up, and if he does, just tell him that it was first time jitters, and doesn't mean anything......maybe it was just too soon, and you'd like to take it slower, till you're both more comfortable with each other.
I think that what you've done/did was just fine. You feel upset because you planned it but I don't think that you've gone over the top or had it too planned out. You planned to stay over, organised some birthcontrol, let him know it was your first time and decided that you were ready and let him know. I think that it's great.
The only fly in the ointment was that he lost his erection. Now that's not your fault and its almost certainly because you had to stop to put a condom on and suddenly both of you were looking at his penis and he felt pressured to keep it up. That moment when you have to poke that little fella out into the open and have both of you stare at it as you put the condom on can be just as embarrassing as standing naked in front of a school assembly with a thousand people watching you. It's got nothing to do with his working out, he just had a moment where he felt a little selfconcious and that on top of the pressure to have sex with you for the first time was just enough to make him loose his erection. Most guys don't like condoms very much either - not because they have 'problems' keeping erections with them but because you have a bit less sensation with them. But when it's the only way to have sex and prevent STD's and pregnancy us guys usually tough it out and force ourselves to use a condom ;-) !!!! Oh, and his problem is certainly not because everything was planned!
If he dumps you over this then he is being stupid, immature and overly sensitive. Yes, guys get sensitive about their penises but they also have to get over it too!
I think it's really common for the first time to be a disaster. It's been a looong time, but I have slept with I guess three virgins and they were all somewhat strange situations. For the first one, I recall losing my erection and (thankfully) getting it back, but the whole incident was very traumatic for her and just as you say we ended up breaking up the very next day. I specifically remember her saying, "I would -never- want to do that again!!!" But many years later we became friends and laughed about it. I mean I was 17 and she was 15 so there was just a complete lack of maturity and normalness!
For the second one, in college, it did not feel good for her the first time so I pulled out and we did not finish (not that she knew what "finishing" was exactly lol). We just snuggled up and waited for the next day and it was soooo much better.
For the third one, also in college, I remember specifically saying, don't have sex with me unless you are willing to have it three times -- knowing that the first time is just an odd, and not entirely sexy thing. That's the best way to do it. So, assuming you like the guy, give it another whirl or two. I'm sure the whole experience will be MUCH better for both of you.
It wasn't all that common to use condoms in my day so I didn't try one for several years. Girls went on the pill and you sure hoped they wouldn't forget to take them. Condoms are definitely not comfortable until you get used to them -- or I should say, it's a wierd feeling. I would just wait until he gets really, really hard before you try to slip it on.
Thank you everyone for your replies! Just a quick update... things are fine with him. We went out today, and things were back to normal. I will admit that I am a bit scared to get intimate again; I am just scared that the same thing will happen again. I really care about him, so I don't mind if he has a 'little problem' once in a while. What bothers me is the awkwardness that follows. But I think things will be fine. So thank you once again!
Julia