First time sex
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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 2:34pm |
Hi everyone...
I just wanted some comfort I guess... I'm 21 and have never had intercourse.. I have had "sex", but not that. I have been to scared for it to be painful before.
Now I have the boyfriend I have always dreamed of. We love each other and he's the one I want to be my first. Well.. there's nothing really holding me back except that I'm scared it will hurt and that I will not be able to perform.
This is a little embarrasing to write here but when I'm aroused my vagina doesn't open up that much. I have been able to put three fingers in but is that enough?
I have an experience with an ex where we tried to have sex but it didn't work at all. It was too painful. I know we had a too small amount of time for foreplay but still?
What can I do to not make this situation happen again?
Please help! It feels like I missed the train now that I'm 21 and am scared for the first time to hurt. I want so badly to have sex but I just want it to work.
Thanks!

First - congrats on finding the one you love and want to give yourself to.
To address your concerns - the biggest key is to relax. If you've masturbated and used 3 fingers - that's plenty of room for a penis. Honestly, the vagina doesn't really "open" when you get aroused. It's just stretchy - so it will stretch to accept fingers, a toy, a penis, etc...
It was probably painful the last time you tried because, as you noted, you didn't have enough foreplay. Foreplay and excitement is really the key. When you become sexually aroused, as you probably know, your vagina becomes lubricated and prepares to accept a penis. Without this lubrication, sex can be very uncomfortable.
With that in mind, plenty of foreplay should help you prepare for intercourse. Also, you might want to buy some KY or other lubricant, just so you know you'll have a little extra help if necessary. There's nothing wrong with using lubricant - so don't be afraid to try it.
Above all - relax and enjoy. (and be sure to have safe sex!!)
Edited 3/23/2006 3:48 pm ET by bleugoddess
I concur with everything Bleugoddess says. If you're properly aroused, with lots of foreplay, it will work. That doesn't mean "you're ready and willing", but that you're relaxed and well lubricated. If you are, it will NOT be painful. If it's painful, then you STOP, because you're not ready.
Also, being nervous and EXPECTING pain will stop you from being properly aroused, and particularly properly lubricated, so get some KY or whatever, and have it handy.
I'm also wondering what you mean that you're worried that you won't be able to "perform"? You DON'T perform. You enjoy what you're feeling. That's the only performance necessary, pleasure.
One other thing, I'm guessing that this guy isn't a "virgin", and you're probably feeling insecure because he's "experienced" and you're not. Guess what? His past experience, no matter what the "numbers" really means nothing. Men can have sex with a hundred women, and still not have a clue what THEY should be doing, or what the woman should be doing. If no one ever taught him how a man is supposed to pleasure a woman, he may not know about foreplay, and arousal, and all the stuff inbetween. There's where you come in. You have to understand your own body enough so that you can tell him what's good, what's not good, etc. Every woman is different, and what worked for his other partners may NOT work for you.
You're looking forward to losing your virginity, and after you do, you'll realize that it's not really a big deal. Intercourse is just one part of pleasure, and most women get as much (if not more) pleasure from the foreplay than the intercourse itself. That's because your true sexual organ isn't your vagina....it's your clitoris. That's where most pleasure originates. The inside of your vagina has virtually no feeling, except for the "g" spot. The pain you felt comes from the opening, NOT the inside of the vagina. Do NOT expect the "earth to move"....it won't, particularly the first several times, until you're truly relaxed, and can learn to enjoy all that's going on. Sex might be considered something "natural", but it takes time for you both to learn what each other likes, what gets you going, and what gives you the most pleasure. Again, his prior experience is not going to help him with you, because you're different than the other women he's been with. And if he IS a virgin just as you are, then the two of you can learn together. For more information on how your body works, and how to have the most pleasure from sex, check out www.the-clitoris.com
Hi Ripcurl. Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe this is a fear based on uncertainty more than a fear of physical pain. Your body may be reacting to this uncertainty by shutting down literally to prevent comfortable penetration. Until your desire and arousal override your fear, you aren't ready, IMO.
Usually, if you have one orgasm via other means before penetration, you'll be much more relaxed and ready for penetration. Plenty of foreplay-leading to orgasm or just full arousal-and plenty of lube will prevent any pain or discomfort you may be anticipating. Just be sure that you truly want to take your sex life to this next level.
Edited 3/23/2006 5:55 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Just confirming what all the other posters told you.