first time sex - i beg to differ

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
first time sex - i beg to differ
33
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:29am
Hi, I've been lurking on this board and reading old posts - and learning a ton!

I'm a little troubled by some comments I've seen about first-time sex on old threads. People saying that it's not normal to feel pain the first time, and if you do then you're not doing it right somehow (you're not relaxed, you're not aroused, you're not lubricated, etc). I've got to say, I find all these comments a little demeaning. Personally, I had a pretty thick hymen. It wasn't abnormal - my gyn reassured me at the time - but it was pretty thick, and it took a good bit of force to break through the first time.

Hymenal tissue is not flexible, the way vaginal walls are. Your hymen does not expand when you're aroused. Back when I had a hymen, I could stimulated myself to orgasm, and it wouldn't expand in the least. In many women, the hymen is fairly thin and it doesn't take much force to stretch it out, or it's absent altogether, so those women don't experience pain from stretching or tearing their hymen the first time. If that was you - well, lucky you. But don't go telling other women they're abnormal because they're hymen is thicker than yours was. (I mean, when someone complains about her gag reflex during oral sex, you don't tell her it's all in her head just because you yourself don't happen to suffer from a sensitive gag reflex - right?)

In my case, yes, the first time was quite painful. Believe me, I was perfectly well lubricated and aroused. I know my body quite well, thank you, and so did my partner (we'd been in a 2-year relationship at the time and had been engaging in "everything but" for quite a while). It wasn't due to a lack of foreplay. It wasn't due to a lack of trust. It wasn't due to any other vaguely insulting psychological explanations you care to throw at me.

People, when you've got a thick hymen, breaking/stretching it really does HURT!!!

And it's a different sort of pain than you get when you're not lubricated enough. It feels like... well, how to describe it... stick two fingers in your nostril and stretch the opening. Now imagine you had to stretch it out big enough to accommodate a penis. Granted, hymenal tissue is definitely more flexible than nose cartilage, but that's the sort of sensation we're talking about. Is that how it feels when you're just not lubricated enough?

Just my two cents. So many people have pain with first intercourse, and it makes me angry to see women dismissing other women's pain as non-existent or unnatural.

Thanks for indulging me. End of rant. :)






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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:00am
Hi mossdonna.

You've got a point. I'm not that old yet, lol, but I don't recall posts referring to the "hymen" issue as an unpainful event anyway. So it would help a bit if you had a link or two of the one or ones that you saw.

Other than that, you're very right in that many women do suffer pain from it. I think I only remember first time sex pain referring to other issues and not the hymen though when it came to comments on unnatural pain, so your link(s) will refresh the memories. Thanks a bunch! :)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:22am
sure, sorry. here's an example. several posters blamed a first-timer's pain on lack of lubrication and arousal. they may have been right in her case, but i take issue with statements like this:

"if you are relaxed, well lubricated and mentally into having sex, you should not have a lot of pain."

i think one of the CL's actually wrote that. well, maybe we have different definitions of "a lot of pain"!

here's the link to the thread:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=15129.4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:25am
Ok, YOU had a thick hymen......and why didn't your doctor help you out by "releasing" it?

So, in your case, you had pain. Too bad, the doctor could have taken care of that so easily. The fact of the matter is that MOST young women don't HAVE hymens by the time they have sex, and maybe NEVER had them. And MOST young women have pain because of lack of arousal and lubrication. I don't reply to many of the "pain" posts, but those that I've read usually mention that it COULD be a hymen, or even vaginismus, and if that's the case, they need to see their gyno.

Besides, what's the point of digging up and rehashing old posts? The next time you see the question asked in a post, reply to that post regarding your experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:44am
Okay, I see where you're coming from. First things first, that particular CL just happens to be a woman, so I'm guessing she's very careful not to forget about hymens when it comes to giving her two cents on first time sex for younger ladies.

Also, according to the rest of the posts along with the link you provided, it looks like she didn't mention hymen so much because that possibility was already into the message and that her other thoughts were merely other precautions to watch for as well. Can't speak for her, but I know how she posts and thats what makes sense to me anyway.

See ya around. GO VIKINGS!

(Randy Moss fan) ;D

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:16am

I'm the CL you are talking about.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:17pm
<> - Are you talking about surgery here? I'm not sure if evryone would agree that every girl with a hymen should visit a gynocological surgeon before she has sex. I'm not a woman, so I don't really know how it feels, but that is like saying childbirth shouldn't hurt and if it does, well too bad you didn't have a cesaerean section. A little condescending, no? Some people prefer not seek medical intervention for every uncomfortable biological event in their lives, especially if it is an important experience, the operative word being "experience".


<> I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark, and suggest that this is not actually a "fact". I think the use of the word "most" is incorrect and the word that should be used is "some".

<> There are many people that happen across these boards besides the handfull that post on them. These people are looking for information and advice. They will often look back into old posts to find the topic that they are concerned about. So, for the sake of people who come to this board to get information and insight into their concerns, the point is to mitigate bad information and poor advice.

I never thought I would say this, but I actually feel that some people are not using "JMHO" or "IMO" enough to qualify their statements. It does have the effect of lessening the patronizing tone of some posts. JMHO

-phat


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:32pm
=====<> - Are you talking about surgery here? I'm not sure if evryone would agree that every girl with a hymen should visit a gynocological surgeon before she has sex. I'm not a woman, so I don't really know how it feels, but that is like saying childbirth shouldn't hurt and if it does, well too bad you didn't have a cesaerean section. A little condescending, no? Some people prefer not seek medical intervention for every uncomfortable biological event in their lives, especially if it is an important experience, the operative word being "experience".

<> I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark, and suggest that this is not actually a "fact". I think the use of the word "most" is incorrect and the word that should be used is "some". =====

I'm going to have to go with Phat onthis one. The whole DR helping her out thing I found totally bizarre. Why would a DR mess with an intact hymen? What DR would even agree to break the hymen for you? I would also like a link to see the claim that most women don't even have a hymen and or never had one. That's a new one on me, and I would like to be well informed if it is truly correct.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:37pm
With fear of ticking off the regulars ;-) I agree with you to an extent. I also had a somewhat thick hymen, and bled the first time I had sex. I was plenty aroused and lubed, but still had pain. I think you can do all the right things, and the first time will still be painful. Being properly aroused and lubed simply lowers the pain quotient.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:44pm
doctors don't suggest hymen removal to young unmarried women unless the hymen is so extensive that it blocks menstruation (and in those rare cases, it's taken care of at puberty). the doctors i've talked to (my GP and my gyn) have both said that it's perfectly normal to have an intact hymen at the time of first intercourse - in fact it's extremely common - and for those women it's normal to have pain. the pain is NORMAL. it doesn't require surgical intervention.

what is with this "MOST" business anyway?

"The fact of the matter is that MOST young women don't HAVE hymens by the time they have sex, and maybe NEVER had them. And MOST young women have pain because of lack of arousal and lubrication."

did you conduct a poll? if so, i'd love to see it. seriously, i would - not being sarcastic. your statement goes against what doctors have told me. i'm sure this isn't what you intended, but no one likes to be told they're "abnormal" and that's the implication to anyone reading along who did or does have an intact hymen.

anyway, clearly i've violated some unwritten rule of etiquette by rehashing old posts. i apologize. i just thought a lot of people with questions read through old posts, rather than posting a question themselves. i didn't see my point of view represented in old posts, so i thought i would contribute it to the discussion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:49pm

C-section compared to natural childbirth, I'll take natural childbirth anytime!


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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