first time sex - i beg to differ
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:29am |
I'm a little troubled by some comments I've seen about first-time sex on old threads. People saying that it's not normal to feel pain the first time, and if you do then you're not doing it right somehow (you're not relaxed, you're not aroused, you're not lubricated, etc). I've got to say, I find all these comments a little demeaning. Personally, I had a pretty thick hymen. It wasn't abnormal - my gyn reassured me at the time - but it was pretty thick, and it took a good bit of force to break through the first time.
Hymenal tissue is not flexible, the way vaginal walls are. Your hymen does not expand when you're aroused. Back when I had a hymen, I could stimulated myself to orgasm, and it wouldn't expand in the least. In many women, the hymen is fairly thin and it doesn't take much force to stretch it out, or it's absent altogether, so those women don't experience pain from stretching or tearing their hymen the first time. If that was you - well, lucky you. But don't go telling other women they're abnormal because they're hymen is thicker than yours was. (I mean, when someone complains about her gag reflex during oral sex, you don't tell her it's all in her head just because you yourself don't happen to suffer from a sensitive gag reflex - right?)
In my case, yes, the first time was quite painful. Believe me, I was perfectly well lubricated and aroused. I know my body quite well, thank you, and so did my partner (we'd been in a 2-year relationship at the time and had been engaging in "everything but" for quite a while). It wasn't due to a lack of foreplay. It wasn't due to a lack of trust. It wasn't due to any other vaguely insulting psychological explanations you care to throw at me.
People, when you've got a thick hymen, breaking/stretching it really does HURT!!!
And it's a different sort of pain than you get when you're not lubricated enough. It feels like... well, how to describe it... stick two fingers in your nostril and stretch the opening. Now imagine you had to stretch it out big enough to accommodate a penis. Granted, hymenal tissue is definitely more flexible than nose cartilage, but that's the sort of sensation we're talking about. Is that how it feels when you're just not lubricated enough?
Just my two cents. So many people have pain with first intercourse, and it makes me angry to see women dismissing other women's pain as non-existent or unnatural.
Thanks for indulging me. End of rant. :)

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No you haven't, this is a topic in and of itself. Why on earth would you bring this up in someone else's thread and hijack it? I see nothing wrong with you bringing this topic up.
Leticia
Leticia
put it this way. most men wouldn't want a doctor with a knife anywhere near his penis unless it was completely unavoidable, right? if they just had to grit their teeth and bear some pain one time, i don't think there are many men who would opt to have surgery on their penis instead.
we'll just have to agree to disagree on the word "most." it's silly i know, but the word "most" can be really hurtful when you're dealing with people's natural anatomical structures. again, it's an emotionally-charged spot. the word "most" and the word "normal" go hand in hand in people's minds. no one wants to feel that they were or are not "normal," especially when it comes to sex.
here's an example. "most" men don't have curvature to their penises. however "a lot" of men do. if a man wrote in saying he had a curved penis, i doubt you would reply "MOST men don't have curved penises." true or not, it would make the guy feel bad about himself, so it would be an insensitive thing to say.
that's the best analogy i can come up with.
I'll check around Leticia.
I agree with the surgery, I wouldn't have it done unless it was necessary either.
i'm just saying that you're also perfectly normal if your hymen is intact, and there is pain. that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or you did something wrong, or your partner did something wrong. it doesn't mean you need medical intervention. it doesn't mean you suffer from some rare and unfortunate condition that "MOST" women didn't have to deal with. "MANY" women didn't have to deal with it - but "MANY" women did.
Then I am totally confused then where anyone could get the idea that most women either don't have a hymen when ready for sex or it is gone. If there is little to no documentation, then is it just personal experience? There are many ways that a hymen could break, but I guess I see the emphasis on could.
Leticia
It IS possible for a doctor to cut the hymen...and that's minor surgery that can be done in the office. It's not much different than the episiotomy done at childbirth. A small cut, which can heal a lot more easily than a tear.
"The hymen is an area of tissue that represents the opening to the vagina. The hymenal tissue is a ring-like form of tissue which has a hole within the center, present at birth. A septate hymen refers to a band of extra hymeneal tissue running vertically in the area of the normal hymen. A hymeneal septum may interfere with a woman's ability in insert a tampon or she may find that she can insert the tampon but once it expands with blood, she cannot remove the tampon. A hymeneal septum does not have to be surgically removed and if a woman attempts to have sexual intercourse with a septate hymen it will usually tear. This may be associated with some discomfort, pain, or bleeding. A simple surgical approach can be undertaken to remove the septate hymen, thus creating a normal hymeneal orifice." This is from the "Boston Chilren's Hospital" website.
Here's another mention of surgical "release" of a hymen: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1825.html
I'm talking about women who have the regular hymenal ring with just a small opening in the center. Lots of women have that. It will result in pain/bleeding at first intercourse if the hymen is relatively thick. It doesn't require medical intervention, and no doctor is going to tell you to have it removed before you have sex for the first time. They'll just reassure you that it's normal, and not to be concerned if there's some pain and bleeding.
Anyway, I agree with you that there are many different versions of "normal." That's exactly my point. Pain is normal. No pain is also normal. It's inaccurate to tell people they're doing something wrong or require medical intervention just because they have pain the first time. Pain is NORMAL.
That's all i'm trying to say.
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