first time sex - i beg to differ
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:29am |
I'm a little troubled by some comments I've seen about first-time sex on old threads. People saying that it's not normal to feel pain the first time, and if you do then you're not doing it right somehow (you're not relaxed, you're not aroused, you're not lubricated, etc). I've got to say, I find all these comments a little demeaning. Personally, I had a pretty thick hymen. It wasn't abnormal - my gyn reassured me at the time - but it was pretty thick, and it took a good bit of force to break through the first time.
Hymenal tissue is not flexible, the way vaginal walls are. Your hymen does not expand when you're aroused. Back when I had a hymen, I could stimulated myself to orgasm, and it wouldn't expand in the least. In many women, the hymen is fairly thin and it doesn't take much force to stretch it out, or it's absent altogether, so those women don't experience pain from stretching or tearing their hymen the first time. If that was you - well, lucky you. But don't go telling other women they're abnormal because they're hymen is thicker than yours was. (I mean, when someone complains about her gag reflex during oral sex, you don't tell her it's all in her head just because you yourself don't happen to suffer from a sensitive gag reflex - right?)
In my case, yes, the first time was quite painful. Believe me, I was perfectly well lubricated and aroused. I know my body quite well, thank you, and so did my partner (we'd been in a 2-year relationship at the time and had been engaging in "everything but" for quite a while). It wasn't due to a lack of foreplay. It wasn't due to a lack of trust. It wasn't due to any other vaguely insulting psychological explanations you care to throw at me.
People, when you've got a thick hymen, breaking/stretching it really does HURT!!!
And it's a different sort of pain than you get when you're not lubricated enough. It feels like... well, how to describe it... stick two fingers in your nostril and stretch the opening. Now imagine you had to stretch it out big enough to accommodate a penis. Granted, hymenal tissue is definitely more flexible than nose cartilage, but that's the sort of sensation we're talking about. Is that how it feels when you're just not lubricated enough?
Just my two cents. So many people have pain with first intercourse, and it makes me angry to see women dismissing other women's pain as non-existent or unnatural.
Thanks for indulging me. End of rant. :)

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A good article on the hymen, how it can be torn, first time sex that is painful, etc.
http://aloofhosting.com/tomrue/health/hymen.htm
-phat
Most of my friends had similar first sexual experiences equal to mine. (we shared every single detail). With my experience and those of my friends, I would probably tell my own daughters as well as any other girls that they shouldn't be concerned about whether or not they have one, or whether it's in tact or not. That it really shouldn't even be a thought unless and until it need be(during difficult penetration).
There probably aren't any studies, because it's not important enough to research. Most girls/women will learn by the experiences of others by reading, their parents, and their friends about what to possibly expect. Losing your virginity is a natural occurence in life and should be treated as such.
Edited 9/2/2004 11:29 pm ET ET by the_fixer_upper
lol. I guess some people don't have inquiring minds. I asked because I am curious. I want to know because I am fascinated by a) sex. b) biology including adaptation, sociobiology, and evolution c)the scientific process. d). the way scientific information and investigations present in public perception. e) sexual politics, gender roles, and discrimination. This issue encompasses all of these facets. As an aspiring scientist that works in non anthropocentric fields, I am constantly having to defend my curiousity and priorities to people who live in an insulated shopping mall MTV world who think that it is an accident that they live in a world of luxury and convenience and health. All of the knowledge about human behaviour, sociology, agriculture, medicine, disease control, water quality, natural resources (seafood, wood, paper, gas, oil, coal, etc), and the environment comes from people who were curious about the natural world. Everything that you do and in fact your very existance has and will continue to rest on scientific understanding. Each particle of understanding, helps us to build the collective human understanding of the universe which in turn enriches us all both intelectually and practically. Sorry if this it seems like I am getting too grandiose about such a little thing, but this sort of stuff just drives me nuts. Every important discovery and aspect of understanding rests on thousands of theories, experiments, and discussions of things that some person could argue "doesn't really matter".
From a more immediatly practical standpoint, the question the range and frequency of hymenal morphologies and the effects of intercourse is very important for forensic determination of sexual assault cases. That is an important issue of safety and justice.
Also, many people care about this issue. Therefore it is important. That may sound circular but so be it.
in my own case, i had no idea my hymen was intact. i'd never used a tampon. i'd always masturbated using only my clitoris. curiosity had led me to feel around my vulva, but i had been unable to find a hole large enough to permit my finger. i had assumed that the hole would open when i was "in the moment" (based on the party line that first-time sex should only hurt a lot if you're not aroused enough).
if i'd been aware of the fact that my hymen was intact and fairly extensive, i think my first time would have been much less traumatic. it still would have hurt like the dickens of course, but at least i would've had some idea what to expect!
The point is, it would most likely be too difficult a task to obtain enough accurate information. A subject's activities would have to be scrutinized daily, along with a daily physical examination to determine what was the point and cause of rupture. It might be interesting to know exactly what causes a hymen to rupture(and there are already some causes documented), but I don't think that women will stop riding bycicles or activities to "protect" it because as I said, it's too insignificant to worry about. Those who didn't have bleeding, tearing, or pain, during first intercourse could probably assume that somewhere during their 18 or so years they ruptured their hymen....and it didn't hurt enough for them to take note of when it had.
While we're at it, I think science would serve us better to study the effects of circumcision on the penis. I'm curious to know how an in tact penis differs in sensitivity from a cut one. I think that boys should volunteer to be watched daily(their masturbatory habits) so that many babies could be spared the knife. Now that would be a SIGNIFICANT study.
Edited 9/3/2004 9:53 am ET ET by the_fixer_upper
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Am I understanding this correctly?
yep, that's all i'm saying. in your previous post, you said you wouldn't even mention it to your own daughters unless and until they encountered a problem (i'm paraphrasing - but i believe that's what you were saying, and what i was responding to).
"It won't change the experience in any event, what will be will be."
this i disagree with. i wept for hours after my first time. the pain couldn't have been avoided, but a lot of the emotional turmoil could have. a lot of the questions... "did i damage something?" "is there something wrong with me?" "will i never be able to have a normal sexual relationship?" etc. all competely avoidable if someone had warned me in advance.
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