The forbidden word.........Communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
The forbidden word.........Communication
16
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 7:44am

You'll see it over and over, people asking about sexual problems, what is he/she thinking, why doesn't he/she do this anymore, why doesn't he/she initiate sex, will he/she like it if I do this or that, the list goes on.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 8:49am

It's not only sex stuff.....have you ever visited the "Is It Meant to Be" board?

Virtually every query on the board could be solved with a good conversation or two. And strangely enough, not many of the posters advocate direct communication if the questions belong to the following categories

Q. Does he want to date me? A. Ask him out
Q. Does he want to get married? A. Propose to him

I still can't understand why otherwise intelligent women won't do the above things. If you've got a need, be proactive in getting it met.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:05am
Maybe it's because some people believe that when it comes to sex, each partner will be doing what THEY desire to do at all times. For instance, a man and woman are having sex for a few months and the man has yet to perform oral on her. She can communicate her need for oral, but she may feel that if he DESIRED to perform oral, he would have done it on his own; so she chooses to remain quiet and forego her needs. To do otherwise, is to presssure or force the other to perform something that they truly don't desire to do. I think that's why you get a lot of "Why doesn't my SO perform cunnilingus?" They're seeking possible "reasons" because they feel to discuss it with their SO may be coercing them to do something that they wouldn't do of their own accord, because most likely, they don't desire to do it. It's different than communicating a direction for an act such as lower, faster, harder when they're already performing the act, but to discuss the lack of presence of an act itself, is a whole different story. I believe that's why people don't communicate when it comes to sex.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:48am

Hi Tish,

Great point and topic here. I found myself replying to several posts yesterday with the same basic answer about communication.

In my opinion, there are two mistakes that we all make in relationships: 1)Never make assumptions. I've found that rarely (if ever) do we assume correctly what is going on with our partner. Even when we ask, most of us don't listen deeply. Rather we choose to filter the others words and actions through our personal set of glasses to better fit our own desire for drama. That leads to the second mistake:

2) Never take anything personally. Most of us (myself included) tend to believe that every action that someone takes or doesn't take has something to do with us. The truth is that no matter what another does it really has NOTHING to do with us. They are living their own lives (even if it is shared with us) and they are seeing the world through their own set of experiences. No matter how much we think that we know our partners, we can NEVER know exactly what it's like to be another person. The converse of that is also true, we tend to blame others for our feelings. Feelings are never caused by another. Although they may be triggered by an action the other takes, it is our own interpretation of what that action means that brings the feelings up...which leads us back to number one: NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

If you can do those two things it's easier to take responsibility for what is going on in life. And when I say responsibility, I don't mean blame (blame to me is valueless). Responsiblity to me means "the ability to respond" to any situation. If you are not responsible for what happens in your life then you need to wait for someone else to change before you can be happy. If that's the case, then you may be waiting the rest of your life because that person may never change in the way that you think they should, in fact even if you go out and find another partner, often times the same issues come up, because it is yourself that has the issue and the Universe has a way of repeating your life lessons until you learn them.

Anyway, it's always better to talk and to empathize with our partner as well as ourselves.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:24am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:46am

I didn't say it was the best route, Tish, I was merely hypothesizing. People do what they want to do. People pursue their desires. If a man who doesn't perform oral is pursuing intercourse, it's because he desires it. If a woman pursues fellatio, it's because she desires it. In many cases where the man is NOT performing cunnilingus, he's in fact receiving fellatio. He never had to ASK for it, she just did it....which is why she figures he doesn't desire it(cunnilingus)...or else he'll reciprocate. I agree that communication is best, but for some, the lack of ACTION speaks for itself -- it's all the answer they need. It may be an assumption, but it's most likely the reason why people don't ask. They don't want, what's not given by desire.




Edited 6/7/2005 11:03 am ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:09pm

My natural curiosity has always forced me to ask questions and if I couldn't get answers from a person, I went searching for it elsewhere.

It's been no different with sex. I remember asking my DH endless questions when we were first intimate. On the other hand, he wasn't raised in a family where sex was a common subject so we had our communincation problems and frustrations, in the beginning.

I wanted to know what his experience was like and how I could make it better and he trusted me to tell him what I felt. It's necessary for one person to be willing to bring up the difficult subjects in relationships. And if no one does then you're both left to assume and guess which never solves anything, much less encourage acceptance and understanding.

Yes, communication is critical and it's unfortunate that many couples don't realize that until it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:21pm

Hi Rain,

You brought up some interesting points concerning "lack of action". When someone takes that "lack of action" as truth, they can be hurt and upset over something that isn't neccessarily what their partner intended. It's my belief that everyone enjoys giving to their partners because it adds to their own pleasure. If they don't enjoy it, it's often because of other issues that have nothing to do with their partner.

If you assume "lack of action" means a lack of desire than it's going to be difficult to get any of your needs met. Sex is a great microcosm for all of the aspects of relationship. It's my belief that 99.9% of problems in a marriage or partnership are due to assumptions made by one or more often both partners. If you look at the scenario that you laid out concerning oral sex if you decide to think from different angles, you can come up with a hundred reasons that a man or a woman might not reciprocate: old girlfriend didn't like it; fear that he doesn't know how and will feel embarrassed; fear of "turning off" a new partner; taught that oral sex is not done due to religious beliefs...etc. etc. etc.

My point is, that those that don't choose to communicate base their views of everything on fantasy...in other words, thoughts that are based upon their own limited experience of life.

It's sad to me because 90% of marriages can be wonderful, but most of us were never taught how to shift our perspective and believe that what we think is "truth" rather than just our perspective. Half of marriages in the U.S. disolve and it is my belief that almost all of them fall apart due to nothing more than a continuing web of assumptions and misunderstanding.

I believe if people want to change their lives drastically that they should NEVER take ANYTHING personally and NEVER ASSUME ...ever.

It's hard to do, because even our language promotes the idea that what others do is the cause of all of our problems and emotions.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:37pm

"It's my belief that everyone enjoys giving to their partners because it adds to their own pleasure."

Yes, and that is the "desire"(or lack thereof) to which I was referring to. We all ASSUME that our partner DESIRES to give us pleasure...so when they don't...it's probably for a very good reason. Some may choose to confront their partner and delve into the reasons and try and resolve them, and others will choose to forego their own pleasure(unresentfully) for the sake of their partner's lack of desire.




Edited 6/7/2005 12:50 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 1:42pm

Yes, some will choose to just give up because the believe the illusion that their partner just doesn't have the desire to please them. The desire is there...it's human to want to contribute to life. If it is blocked or hidden, it is usually due to some fear. There is nothing evolutionary about choosing the map over the territory in my opinion. It's always more rewarding to go deeper and discover what is underneath. Because there is the distinct possibility, even likelyhood that everyone can be much happier and that all can get their needs and desires met without compromising the needs and desires of their partners.

Rain, I get the disctinct feeling that you feel some resentment toward someone or something. Am I right or am I just projecting feelings into your posts that are not there?

Much love to you.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:00pm
Are you referring specifically to this thread Scott, or what I've posted in other threads? As far as I know, I harbor no resentments towards anyone...so you must be projecting. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )

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