found his porn,need help asap
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| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:34pm |
my bf arrives home in 1.5 hours and I need help. In nov. of last year I found his porn on his computer.. i told him I felt hurt and unattractive and i didn't like it. he said he didn't like it, but it was like an addiction. he promised he'd stop.
periodically i'd ask if he was looking at it, and he'd get mad and say no. but today, I found it again!! should I bring it up?? and, also, we've been having other issues lately, unrelated to this, and i'm afraid if i bring this up it will be the "last straw" and he'll want a break.. we are both 25. should i check tomorrow to see if he's looked at anything else or just confront him today and risk a huge blowout which may result in us breaking up?? we are both in university, under lots of stress, and arguing about just about everything now, so i am nervous about initiating another argument.. please help soon!

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Does he use porn to the exclusion of sex with you? Does he use it to the detriment of his job and life in general? IF not, then he may not actually have an addiction, he may only be using it to supplement his sexual needs with masturbation, which many men do. IF that's the case, then you two will have to decide how porn can be used in your relationship so that you aren't being hurt by it.
I DO think you need to talk with him but calmly and nonjudgementally. IF you put him on the defensive, it will be pointless. So, you may need to wait for a day or two so that you're less emotional about it. Avoiding a confrontation because of his reaction isn't realistic though since your growing resentment and anger will force the subject out in the open anyway. Talk with him and try to resolve the problem appropriately.
while attaching an email file, the "most recent documents" box appeared, and there were all the files...
why do I dislike it? well I guess from an idealistic standpoint, I wish I was enough to satisfy him.. that he didn't need to look at other women to get off.. if I could just come to terms with that, find some way to justify it, I think I'd be alright.. I just don't know, him knowing how I feel about, how he could do this still??
-What makes you think that someone can only beat an addiction through counseling? That is not true. I know lots of people that quit smoking without counseling, myself included. Lol, most couselers that I know don't deserve that much business.
We're also talking about trust issues as well. Seeking professional help goes a LONG way to represent a serious effort, motivation and accountability to one's partner and oneself.
I simply cannot see why any person would want to tackle a compulsion of ANY kind, if the guidance and support of a counselor is available. I think you would only setting yourself up for failure. Especially, if you are clearly unable to gain any control of the addiction for any length of time.
Can a man overcome this type of addiction on his own? Maybe, although I'm not sure what the failure rate is. I know on this board, we see similar situations all the time. But I think it's obvious that quitting cold turkey by oneself, in THIS case, ain't working.
Edited 10/6/2004 4:08 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
-You must have never been a smoker. Smoking is very powerfull addiction and it is certainly more than just physical. I haven't smoked in 2 years and I still crave cigarettes sometimes even though the physical addiction is long since gone. I have seen so many people smoke themselves to death without ever coming close to quitting. I tried for years to quit, I didn't just shut it off. It has severely stressed my relationships too. I have tried and failed to quit for someone else, I have lied about it and snuck around and felt guilty. Still, I am glad I never went to a couselor. I just can't imagine what they could tell me that I wasn't already aware of. I think people should try and do things on their own first, before immediately going for counseling. Just because it doesn't work immediately or on the first try doesn't mean it never will. I know that some couselers are good, but I havn't seen them change the behaviour of anyone in my life. I also know that there are a lot of sub par counselors out there. It might work and it might not. I would personaly be hesitant before I dropped a ton of cash onto someone who may or may not make any long term difference. If you want symbolism, buy a nice promise ring or something, it'll be cheaper and if it doesn't work out at least you can pawn that and it won't be a total waste.
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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!
Is counseling for everyone? Probably not but it's certainly worth trying if the motivation is there for real and lasting change and you don't have other sources of support around you. Alot depends on your degree of addiction and dependancy, too. I think that's why some people CAN quit smoking, drinking, etc. on their own and some can't. Continuous support is very important during the first weeks and months and having another source of support available can be invaluable.
And there ARE plenty of counselors who offer sliding scale payments, if your insurance doesn't cover the bulk of the expense....but most do.
As for myself, both my parents were smokers and that convinced me never to start the habit. After all, I got enough secondhand smoke to last me a lifetime! Sorry that you've had such a difficult time though. I've witnessed the same struggle with my parents and my MIL. I do sympathize with you.
Edited 10/7/2004 6:08 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
My youngest son is ADHD (a diagnosis we fought but came to realize was correct). He sees a counselor. Not only does it allow him to vent to someone trained to deal with this, but it has allowed us as a family to find ways to accomodate his problems without making excuses for them. Even information he has given us on dealing with school, organizational issues, linking responsibility and rewards, legalities and meds, as well as resources available to us that we never would have known about on our own. In addition he has helped DH and I come together on our differing opinions of how to work with this.
DH has also seen a counselor for 9 mos. now for a gambling addiction (I am happy to report that this month will be his 8 mo. anniversary!). This man has been great in making DH face up to his responsibilities of his addiction, instead of using it as an excuse to continue. He has offered him great readings and books on his addiction and make him realize just how much damage has been done by him to those that love him. That is something that he *never* would have done on his own, since he continued to find 'reasons' to gamble and justify his behavior to himself. The counselor has been terrific but he hasn't been easy on him. He's shown him ways to cope with an addictive personality and he hasn't allowed him to excuse anything. DH was seeing another counselor for awhile but it just didn't work, which is a good reason to continue to search until you find someone that you really mesh with.
I'm all for utilizing whatever help is out there, in any way possible. When DH was in his maverick stage of "I can do this on my own, me a MAN' he couldn't do it at all.
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