Found Something On The Computer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Found Something On The Computer
8
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:27am

Hello everyone I'll get right to the point. I discovered straight and gay porn on my computer yesterday and it wasn't from me or from the cat (LOL). As it turned out, my fiancé looked at the first page of a Latina porn site last Tuesday and looked at several pages of an Asian transsexual site last week, including a movie and the updated pictures. He was on that site for a total of 5 minutes. He hasn't looked at any porn since.

Obviously I confronted my fiancé about this and he said that he received both links through his AOL junk email. I asked him if he was bi-curious and he said no along with saying that he's not gay (actually he said that repeatedly). According to my fiancé, he looks through the transsexual site because he couldn't believe how much those guys looked like men and he though it was crazy . . . It should be noted that my fiancé has told me on several occasions that he's attracted to Asian women . . . .

I also asked him if he was looking at that straight site because he's no longer interested in me and/or he's looking for something (or someone) else and he said no. My fiancé stated that he only wants me, he's only attracted to me, and he only looked at that site to get more lingerie ideas for me. I also asked him why he looked at the straight site while I was away at work and he said because he didn't want to disrespect me. I also asked him if it would be OK if I looked at male porn on the computer and he didn't like that proposal. . . .

I also discovered that he visited some girl's Aol page. . . This girl is into bondage . . Also found a trail to a member's only sex group on yahoo. The fiancé says he doesn't know the girl and that he hasn't been on that group in over a year.

Should I believe him? More importantly, is he bi-curious or gay? Is this a deal breaker for our engagement? This is the first time I've had this problem with my fiancé. Help!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:35am

Well, THIS I know. This wasn't the first time he's perused porn sites and he WASN'T looking for lingerie ideas for you. Those are some of the same old standard excuses used when men are confronted. So, if he feels defensive, he will make up whatever excuse will appease you for the moment.

However, I think you need to come to grips with the fact that he will always find other women attractive. All men do. And visa versa, for that matter. I know that women can and do look at other attractive men after marriage. Doesn't mean that they are dissatisfied with their partners though.

BUT if the porn use is a concern or issue for YOU, then definitely, negotiate it's usage BEFORE you marry. And also, what he considers okay for him, should also be okay for you. You should avoid setting yourselves up for problems later on.

You are his partner though and you have a right to know what kind of role this will play in your marriage in order to make an informed decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:43am

The straight site didn't bother me much (I know men look at those sites and I'm not threatened so long as 1) he's not looking for something else and 2) he's satisfied with OUR relationship). My fiance also stated that he is not addicted to those sites but he did say that plenty of men (i.e. boyfriends, husbands, etc.) occasionally look at adult material . . . .

However, that other trani site has me concerned. I'm not sure to believe my fiance's story about that or suspect that he's thinking about "crossing to the other side" (LOL).

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:51am

Well, you know your fiance' so you would have to determine whether you should be worried about that or not.

But I do know that most men are VERY curious about anything sexual. If this was my DH, I would want him to brutally honest with me about ALL his interests.

And it might interest you to know that not all men use porn. Even occasionally. It's a choice, not a compulsion for most men, although it certainly can become one. My DH has never used porn in our 30 yrs. together by his own choice.




Edited 2/28/2006 1:07 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:06pm

As far as the trani site goes, you are the one that knows your fiance the best and you'll have to decide whether or not there is more to it than meets the eye. But as kat said, most guys are interested in anything sexual. For example, although I'm as straight as they come, I've glanced at some trani material before out of curiosity and not because it's something that interests me. My curiosity is satisfied and my sexual orientation is assured, and it won't be something that I'll be looking at again in the foreseeable future. I think that your guy probably just looked out of curiosity too.

Is it a deal breaker? Well, again, that's up to you. Yes, plenty of guys look at porn on the internet. It's certainly not unusual behaviour and the majority of the time it is probably perfectly harmless behaviour. Guys like to look and porn is easily available on the internet. If he is a guy that likes to look he'll probably continue to do so regardless of what you say he is or isn't allowed to do.

It's up to you to decide what standards and behaviour you want in your man too. If you don't like it, then tell him. See what agreement that you can come to. Maybe he'll go for it, maybe he won't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:55pm
Thanks hon. Yes we did have another discussion about this and we set some boundaries. We agreed that porn is allowed (for both of us) so long as it's viewed in moderation and neither one of us gets obsessed. I personally don't look for porn on the internet but at least I have an option to do so if I want to. And we both agreed that chat rooms, adult groups, IMs, and browsing other peoples' profiles are off limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 8:56am

Sounds like pure curiosity to me. One of the great things about the internet is that we can take a look at all sorts of things without making a big commitment of time, money, or effort. As an example, I've visited the websites of hate groups. Am I a violent racist? Of course not. But the internet was a way I could try to understand what makes them tick without having to leave the security of my living room.


I've also perused job sites, travel sites, hobby sites, and political sites for jobs I didn't want, places I don't want to visit, hobbies I don't enjoy, and groups

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:20am
Thanks hon for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:14pm
I dont know what tranny site you are refering to but occasionly Maurry has a show about which ones are females and which ones are really males. GF and I both love watching this especially whay the audience says. Some of them are very believable. I have even told GF several times if I was single and met saw them I would try to talk to them thinking it was a real woman. BUt then again ive seen a few tranny pics over the years and yuck...no way could the ever pass as a woman...LOL. Since I dont know either of you I cant say for sure why he was doing it but they sometimes do come through AOL mail especially if a friend sends them. GF doesnt mind me looking at regular porn or lingerie sites and I dont mind her looking at male porn either. But that as far as either of us goies without the other one being right there at the computer too.