Friend With Benefits Question
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| Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:01pm |
My first time (was recent) and with a sort of "FWB" ... is this a bad thing?? I mean... sure I told him that I know it's not a relationship so it's not about love or anything. And I feel okay about it...I'm not obsessing over him like a boyfriend or anything. But it was great and I want to do it with him again - soon - he's away on a trip right now so I don't know when we will see each other again.
It gets complicated because he's 16 years older than me and we have been seriously *just friends* for over two years. I DO have feelings for him...as in ... I care about him (obviously ... we're friends). I don't think I'm *in love* with him. Just really attracted to him - especially since he was my first lover and it went so well. Any thoughts?? Thanks. P.s. nice to meet you all!

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FWB is a difficult relationship to manage and they rarely work for an extended period of time. Speaking from experience it sounds as though you may already have begun to develop feelings for this other person, developing feelings complicates the FWB relationship, and this is why it is becoming complicated. The underlying premise of a FWB is that it is about sex and not feelings. Once feelings start to enter into the relationship then relationship goes one of two routes. The first is that the FWB relationship becomes a true relationship or it ends. Ending usually is the result because of the gap in feelings. In my situation I ended the relationship because the other started developing feelings for me, I did not have the same for them, and the relationship could not continue in its present state. It end very amicably but I would not do it again.
The question for you is can you continue with it being a FWB, seperate feelings from sex, and try to manage the relationship based on that? I suspect if you try to take it to the next step, being a relationship, it will end. The reason being I suspect he may like the convience that it provides for him especially if he does allot of travelling and probably would not have much interst in making it a relationship. My suggestion would be develop interests outside of the relationship, maybe find someone for yourself who is "comfortable" with the situation, and find a balance. It is not easy and I would not expect easy answers. FWB is a workable situation provided it does not consume your life and you do not have unrealistic expectations about where things are heading. I realize it is easier said than done. So take it slow, think it through, and it will be alright.
The problem with a FWB situation for females is that most females can't be involved in a sexual relationship without developing feelings. You're already having "feelings" about this guy. Even if you hide them from him, you can't hide them from yourself, and you'll be latched onto this guy.......and not be looking for someone that you can have a real relationship with. You'll get upset if he's dating someone, and has no time for you, or drops you.
I'm glad your first experience was a good one (and the fact that he's older helped, because he's more experienced than guys your own age, and knows more about pleasing his partner.....younger guys haven't learned that good stuff yet.!) but you have to understand that it's not going to lead anywhere....and will be a dead end situation for you.
If you can get on with your life, date other guys, and relegate this guy to an occasional meeting, that will be good. But if you're sitting around waiting for him to call, that will NOT be good.
My realtionship is very complex with my I guess for a lack of a better term significant other. It statrted as an extramartial affair FWB relationship(we had known each other 2 years at that point), then I developed feelings and we split up. I split up with my ex-husband started dating a great man(kept in touch with So, but refused to sleep with him since I was in a relationship. Boyfriend got too serious too quick, so ended things with him. FWB and I started right back up again. We see each other 3 times a week. the last time we were toeghter or lovemaking was passionate yet tender and different. I could tell by the way he touched me he is developing feelings this time, yet I am not. Last night he admitted he now has feelings for me. We have been together for over a year and a half. At this point I care about him as a person but am comfortable with the way our relationship is when no emotions are involved.
I guess my point is that FWB relatiosnhsips are not always cut and dry and can have just as many problems as an emotional relationship
The one main reason FWB's don't work is because one or the other develops feelings.
He has feelings, you don't. The kind thing would be to cut him loose if you don't have the same feelings for him that he does for you. At this point, you're using him.
In response to my_humps original posting. I don't think that it's bad that your first time was with an FWB. I know how are society has put all of this pressure on everyone to make sure that your first time is with a husband/wife and if not that, then at least with someone you've been in a long term relationship.
I've always agreed with that sentiment and had been saving myself for my husband or at least my first love. But I met a guy one summer, we hung out got to know each other a little and then all of a sudden two weeks later I lost my virginity to him. There is def. a small part of me that wishes I had waited, but the larger part of me doesn't regret what happened at all. We're really good friends now, and I know that he cares about me.
Which is interesting because we have what's like an FWB relationship, except we both share basically the same feelings about each other but aren't ready to commit. We live 1000 miles apart so a relationship isn't really feasible since things sort of started long distance. From the way other ppl describe FWBs, maybe what we have is not so much an FWB but a delayed relattionship. I know, I know that sounds like wishful thinking. Though I did do the whole "am I in love?" "where will go?" "Does he love me?" thinking at first. After talking with him and deciding to see other ppl, I've been able to overcome those thoughts. I've actually sort of started dating a new guy I met a couple of months ago. Which has really helped in not focusing so much on my FWB.
Granted I do think about both of them a lot. I'm a woman and they are guys that I'm romantically involved with. I can't help but to occassionally imagine what it might sound like if they tell me they love me, what a real relationship would be like with either of them, them beside me at our wedding, and of course them naked. And I'm starting to think that fantasizing is fine and healthy and in many ways unavoidable. I do think the key is to really make sure to talk to you FWB about what you're both expecting from this relationship. Once you've talked then it's your choice from there how you will manage your emotions. Emotions are natural...but sometimes I think we (women esp.) can let them takeover our lives...I know I have.
The problem, as the other posters have said, is when you develop feelings. That's just natural over time -- I mean how can you be intimate with someone and not have them after a while? Each time I've done it, although "during" I would have denied any real feelings for the other person, clearly when they were over it was much more of a blow than I'd reckoned. It's not so cool to have your FWB sleeping with someone else, no matter how stout-hearted you are. Ouch!
I mean I'm a guy, we're supposed to act like such hard-asses, but in an anonymous forum I'm just telling you. ;-)
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