Friends with benefits
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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 4:10pm |
I have a question about Friends with Benefits. I am a single woman who just turned 30. I m in my sexual prime. I can feel it :-) However, I am at a stage in life where I don't have time to get involved with anyone. I want to focus on my school, career etc. However, I am noticing my human desires taking over sometimes and I have come to realize that I am a healthy sexual woman entering her prime. Picking up men for one night stand in a bar doesn't appeal to me to for two reasons. One is too much hassles for little gain but most of all, safety is a big concern of mine.
I have a male friend who I have had sex with in the past. We have had a great time. He is in a similar situation as me. Too busy to get involved. We have always joked and flirted. I get a feeling he is looking for the same thing but is afraid to approach me about it, incase, I get offended and lose my friendship over it. I guess he is trying to be a gentleman. Its a touchy situation and hard to approach.
We have talked and flirted about sex from time to time. I can sense that he is definately interested in having sex with me and so am I. Interested in having sex with him again.
Here is my question, I would like to ask him or proposition him if we can be friends with benefits. Do you think its okay to do so? I definately realize that this will be friends with benefits as the name suggests and nothing more.
Also, I have never had that kind of a relationship with anyone. Do they work?
Thanks!!
8-)

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First, trust me, this isn't your one and only PRIME time for sex. We have many "prime" times in our lives, not just one. So, don't worry about missing out on anything because you don't have a partner at the moment.
But if YOU think this type of arrangement with this friend will work, after discussing it together, then give it a try. No harm in asking.
But I've personally never agreed with FWBs because it's only human nature to develop attachments and deeper feelings for a sexual partner, REGARDLESS of your best plans and intentions. Someone always wants more.
The only way to know if it will work for the two of you is to bring it up and discuss the perimeters. Good luck.
Hi, I was in a friends with benefits situation. For me I probably would not do again and the reason why I would not do again is not because it ended with allot of drama. My reason for not wanting to do it again is due to the fact it can messy, confusing, and you really need a clear idea what you want from the relationship. I know I am beginning to sound a bit too philosophical without any hard core examples, so here it goes.
My FWB happended about 10+ years ago. It was with someone whom I had been friends with for a very long time. We did allot of talking and not much else. They were involved with someone and so was I. However things changed and we both became available. With both of us 'on the market' but still wanting no committments we decided to enter into a 'friends with benefit' relationship. We only did a few times over several months but it was becoming quite obvious the relationship was diverging. They wanted to become more than friends but I did not. The relationship continued but I decided I could not become more than friends with this individual I did care for them but I could not see myself in anything long-term with them. So I finally decided to end it, almost 1 1/2 years after it started.
In my opinion, FWB work as a short-term fix but it is not a long-term soloution. Meaning if both of you are busy with your lives and the both of you do not want a full-term relaitonship, then a FWB may work However there are two drawbacks. The first being once it starts you cannot go back and the second is that once it starts one of you develop feelings for the other. If that is not reciprocated it can be very damamging and cause allot of drama. You know this individual better than any of us on the board. I think you need to weigh what you want, the benefits that it may provide, against the drama it might bring. The main thing to remember is communication is essential in this type of relationship.
As Kat and Smurfberry said, many times FWB becomes messy, confusing, one partner (usually the woman) develops more emotional feelings and ends up wanting more out of the relationship than just sex.
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As Katmandoo said, your "prime" can be your whole life, with the right attitude, and the right partner. I never hit my biggest prime till I was in my middle 60's!
If you have no time for a real relationship, how can you have time for a FWB? Also, if this guy has talked to you about sex, then it's pretty obvious he IS interested in sex, not a relationship with you. If he wanted a relationship, he wouldn't just talk about sex, he'd ask you out, he'd want to see you, etc.
As the others have said, it's almost impossible for most women to have a sexual relationship without developing feelings. In a true FWB, there are no feelings, simply sex. Whenever one or the other feels like it. The other person can see others, doesn't have to be "available" 24/7, doesn't have to "care" if you're unhappy, or sick, or anything else. It's sex, and nothing but. Do you think you can handle that? Most women can't.
A FWB relationship has to be open and up front from the start. You can't hold anything back in conversations just to make sure you don't hurt feelings ect.
If you both don't have time to invest in a relationship and just need companionship when you do have some time it can work. Just make sure you both want the same thing in the relationship and agree to back off if things get too involved.
I have had a FWB relationship in the past and we got married after 4 years.
You sound exactly like me 10 years ago when I ended my marriage. However, I never had the guts to approach anyone and I was quite suprised that no one replied to the sign on my forehead that read "want to get laid right now"; "just do me". LOL! I am still amazed by how primal sexual needs can be - it's truly a 'strip, do me, now leave' attitude, yet fear held me back for so many years. My advise below is based upon my experience with few men - but ranges 20 years - so it's worth about 2 cents in my book.
Because we are human beings, our viewpoints, thoughts, and emotions constantly change. That fact, IMO is the reason why divorces happen - if everyone stayed the way they were when first married why leave (you were happy right?). A husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, &/or FWB is still a relationship, and most relationships are based upon spoken and unspoken rules and expectations, so my reply isn't specific to FWB.
Okay, you know exactly what your wants, needs & desire are, but remember those only apply to right now. IMO, that's reason enough to pursue/ask your friend. However, be prepared that what you begin with will change, regardless if anyone's emotions get involved. Do you know for a fact that having casual sex won't make you want to share dinner, curl up on the couch, or spoon as you sleep? Are you willing to deny him if, after having a lot of sex with you, he wants that closeness? IMO FWB can work, but it takes a strong personality to endure the humanside of repeating "that was great, bye".
Good luck and I hope it works out exactly as you want!
1) Did emotions get in the way. Did it become an issue for either of you?
2) Did you both agree on the turning point that took it from FWB to marriage? Or was one always wanting more than the other?
3) What was that turning point?
4) Are you still married? Still happy?
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