Frustrated with abstinent boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Frustrated with abstinent boyfriend
7
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:06am
I am 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (who's also 21) for 4 years. We have a great relationship, and I love him, but the problem is that he refuses to have sex until he's married. I have tried really hard to be accepting and respectful of his values, but sometimes I find it really frustrating. He's perfectly fine with doing everything else but have intercourse, and sometimes I just don't understand his reasons for drawing that distinction. I guess I just feel that I want to reach that next level of intimacy and passion, but he is not willing/ready to do that. When I talk to him about it, he tells me he doesn't understand why sex is such a big deal to me if our relationship is great otherwise. Sometimes I feel that I'm wrong to get upset about it, since he is such a great person, and I would not want to lose a wonderful relationship because of sex, but i can't help but be frustrated. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:48am
No, you aren't wrong for feeling as you do and I tend to lean toward your thinking, in that if you and your BF are sexually intimate in all ways but one, then he's really making intercourse more important than it really is, in the big scheme of things.

He isn't truly a virgin anymore, and neither are you, in the real sense and spirit of the word, if you two are already sharing your bodies and bringing one another sexual pleasure.

I think you can talk with him again and plead your case but don't nag him since that will feel as if he's being attacked for his beliefs. Try and discuss this as unemotionally as possible and see if you can help him see your point of view.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:11am
No, you're not wrong for feeling the way you do. I don't understand someone like him who's saving Intercourse for marriage, but has no problem being intimate in every other way. He's kidding himself! As Kat said, he's putting a lot more importance on one small factor of sex than it deserves. Oral sex, for instance, is a lot MORE intimate than intercourse will ever be, in my opinion.

You didn't say if you two have talked about marriage, but if you have, you really need to get this straightened out before you agree to marriage, because you might wind up really frustrated. I don't trust his statement that he thinks sex is too big a deal to you. Of course it's a big deal, and being sexually satisfied IS a big deal in a relationship. Maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal, and he's only doing what he's doing to please you, not because he really wants to do it. It would be very sad to get married, and THEN find out that he doesn't think sex is a big deal, or necessary for a good marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:12am
I agree with Kat. Also, have you asked him if he even sees you two getting married? I mean, you have been together for four years. If not, then you have to decide if you want to stay and find out if this will ever go somewhere(not meaning just sex, but if he ever plans on having sex with you).

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:44pm
No, you're not wrong for feeling frustrated. But I think your boyfriend has some very good values and should be admired for keeping with his beliefs. If you love him, you will wait until you're married to have sex with him, frustrating as it may be. Although you didn't mention the why's - perhaps it is his religious beliefs/background. I think it's very admirable and that you've got a great guy there! Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:45pm
Thanks for everyone's responses!

Tiana, I agree he is a great guy with really solid values, and I'm not going to just give up on him because of sex...it is just hurtful and frustrating sometimes to not be able to be intimate with the person you love.

We have talked about marriage and moving in together after we both graduate college next year, but it will probably be at least 5 years before we would get married so, I guess I'm gonna have to wait a while!

thanks for all the feedback again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:01pm
Ooohhh! Dang! 5 years, eh? Well, he may end up caving before 5 years is up! You never know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi Penny! Glad you decided to share with us. Hope you found the boards useful and helpful so far.

Great replies for ya so far, my wife & I agree with the same direction as Tiana Rose too. Most of the time we receive posts around here about someone feeling pressured into doing something not quite ready for, but now we have one, from you, that is kind of the opposite...LOL...so we find this rather interesting. :D

She & I believe in personal choice. He has stressed his desire to not engage in a particular sex act until marriage, so his desire in this matter is not in question. You have all the right in the world to be frustrated, LOL, I'd be surprised if ANYone here wasn't frustrated sexually in some form as well, even to this degree at times. It is without question VERY tough for you to endure like this.

That said, we deeply commend you for being so supportive of him. Not sure if this would help at all, but please keep in mind that some individuals and even couples actually abstain from part of sex simply because they view THAT part as being more special than the rest of the physical encouters. So when they decide to abstain from what they personally feel is the most special and intimate part from anyone except THE one that they they'll be together forever with, then thats simply their own personal choice.

His describing your discussions with him as "a big deal" reveal, in my very limited opinion, that he feels pressured. Not saying you're pressuring him, but his response to you seems to reveal that he feels that way. Might be beneficial to think of how to communicate with him that will keep him from feeling pressured. Challenging whether or not his personal choice is reasonable will not draw him any closer to ya, just my opinion, lol.

He DOES place a value on this that is not the same as the value you place on it. Again, its simply a personal choice he has made, of how reasonable any of us do or don't think it is. Some persons choose not to engage in oral or anal or other forms of physical intimacy as well, but we learn to respect them and the choices they make, and its nice to read that you respect him for his too. This is probably even tougher than you can handle, and that is VERY common, just ask Mrs. Para how she & I dealt with it ourselves, LOL!! Please hang in there, and PLEASE be encouraged to post back and let us know how its going. You're not alone and we think you have a VERY great and committed guy by what you've shared so far.

Mr. & Mrs.

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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