Frustrated and worried

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Frustrated and worried
6
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 11:50pm
There are somewhat two problems here. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and we are very happy and everything is great in our relationship. My concern is that during sex he tends to finish very quickly, sometimes under a minute or two. For the most part it doesn't bother me, but sometimes he gets mad at himself for it. I just wish it would last longer sometimes and wonder if there's something I can do to help. There isn't usually a ton of foreplay so I don't think thats the problem.
The other issue is that I haven't had an orgasm with him in a very long time and only have had 2 in the course of our relationship. I have no problems finishing by myself and he has done it before to me. But he also doesn't seem very interested in oral stimulation or even manual stimulation. I don't know how to talk about it with him or ask him and I feel like after this amount of time it would hurt his feelings if I said I wasn't having an orgasm. I don't fake them I just don't have them during sex. He's smart and I'm sure is aware that most woman don't orgasm during intercourse alone. I just don't know what to do at this point for either issue. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 12:27am

"Foreplay", or the lack of it has nothing to do with how long HE lasts. If you've been together for a year, then I would think you could talk about the problems in the bedroom!

You're ASSUMING he should know about women and their bodies......and you could be very wrong. You think he should be upset that you're not having orgasms? Evidently he's not, or he's not even aware that you're not. You think he should know that most women don't have orgasms from intercourse? Again, either he doesn't know, or he just doesn't care!

If you want foreplay, why wait till he shows "interest" in doing it, because if he's not doing it now, he never will, unless you tell him what you want and need from him.

This guy either is totally ignorant of a woman's needs, or he's just plain selfish. Either way, you're not going to get what you want from him unless you TELL him what you want! Maybe if he was more interested in giving YOU pleasure than in his own pleasure, he might be able to last longer, too......just because he wouldn't be thinking about himself for a change. AND, a man CAN train himself to last longer by using the stop/start method.

In this life, you get what you ask for! If you don't ask, you don't GET.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:42am

I guess that if he "sometimes" gets mad at himself for not lasting very long then he probably has some idea that women generally want more than a minute or two of intercourse. If he didn't know that, he'd be quite satisfied with his one minute performance.

It would seem that he just isn't particularly interested in your fun and I'd hazard a guess that he's actually being quite selfish. He gets what he wants and doesn't have to worry about you. And you're not complaining so he probably thinks that you're satisfied with what you're getting - or he just doesn't really care. Now after all this time the routine that the two of you have gotten into is making the situation worse too. You're both getting set in your ways.

And when you think about it, you might be able to have orgasms during intercourse and sex - it sounds like you have had a couple and that was in the past even when you were having inadequate sex then. If he WAS giving you the foreplay and love making that you want, who's to say that you won't have lots of orgasms? I don't think that you can decide that you're just one of those non-orgasmic women when you have only been having inadequate sex.

You have to talk to him about this. He's not going to read your mind, the telephone and email sucks for telling your partner about this sort of thing, and you can't convey what you want by being a mime artist either. So that only leaves talking to him.

When you are talking to him try to get him to open up. Don't accuse him, or sound upset or mad. Use "we" instead of "you" a lot. Use "I feel" and "I think that we could try..." instead of "You should be..." or "I want you to..."

And be open and honest about things. Don't pvssy foot around the bushes. Use the correct names for body parts etc and be reasonably frank and descriptive about what you want. It can be embarrassing talking about this even with your partner, but the clearer that you are about it, the more likely it is that he will understand you correctly and clearly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 7:38am

As the others have said, there is only one way to get what you want and need and that is to talk to him and let him know what you want.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:36pm
So I took everyone's advice last night and tried to talk to him. As I was worried he totally took it the wrong way, and percieved that I was saying he was horrible in bed. I just asked if he was willing to take the time to work together to find a way for us both to be happier in the area. He basically changed the subject and retreated to his corner like a puppy. I wasn't trying to say that he was terrible or anything at all. Honestly even though it's quick and I don't really get as much as I'd like I still really enjoy sex with him. So now I'm at a loss and afraid that he's not going to want to sleep with me again...or at least for a little while because I bruised his ego.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:56pm

If you can't talk to him about problems in the relationship without him retreating like a puppy and getting his little ego busted, then there are


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:41am

I'm with tish on this.

He already KNOWS that there is an issue with his fast finish - as you said, he often gets mad about it. It's not like you were talking about anything that he didn't already know. He KNOWS that a man that finishes fast in bed is often considered to be a crap lover - that's why he gets mad and frustrated.

I wouldn't get too worried about his reaction. Sounds like he's being a terribly overly sensitive little puppy. Be positive, continue to praise him and pat him and play with him, but just like training a puppy, gently encourage him and be firm when necessary. You're not being mean. You just want to get it sorted out so that BOTH of you can have some enjoyment. LOL!

He'll want to sleep with you when he gets horney. It's not you that has upset him, it's him. He knows that he can do better. Now he knows that you know that he can do better too!

Don't think that you're going to loose him over this. And don't give in, thinking that he's all terribly upset and hurt. What you are asking for is not a tough thing for him to do - you are just asking for what everyone-else considers to be normal.