frustrated...need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
frustrated...need help
10
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:37pm
hi all,

I'm new here, and I seriously need some advice. I have been with my bf for 5 years. Sex is ok, can be better. The problem is not me though its him. As we all know men are not very good at faking orgasms. My bf does that and it makes me feel unsecure about our sex life. He "says" he has orgasms when he is inside but he does not go limp and he keeps going until I have one. After we are done he proceeds to masturbate with a massage machine around his penis and he has the biggest orgasms. (he can only masturbate with the machine, he can't do it manually) Can he possibly be so used to the intense vibrations of the machine that sex does not compare anymore. He has also admitted that he prefers the machine rather than receiving oral sex. He just wants me to stick around as he masturbated so he could have visual stimulation as he does it. This is making me very frustrated because I am a very sexual person, I like to explore many things and the one thing that I have not been able to explore is giving oral sex because he does not want it. This is affecting me very much. Someone please help me, any advice will be appreciated or if someone has gone through this please comment. I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:03pm

I don't blame you for being frustrated with this.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:18pm
I don't always go limp afterwards ... often times stays hard until the second ejaculation. Not always. But you can't tell just b/c of that. That machine stuff sounds wierd though. Seems like as often as not I do the first orgasm inside her and the second some place else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:44pm
thanks for your replies, they are very much appreciated. I know that I cannot base the facts just because he stays hard but, it's like a must thing for him to use the machine. As far as I know he has used it for ever, even before we met. He uses it every night before he goes to bed, to me that sound too much. I just don't know what to do...... How do I bring this up to him without hurting his feelings? I just feel that if I bring this up I will just blow up.... and I surely don't want that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:56pm
A man can't FAKE an ejaculation. If he's not using a condom, the "evidence" will be inside you. If he does use a condom, then it will be in the condom. As Tish said, it sounds like he's just gotten himself so used to the "machine" that nothing else will work for him. You have every reason to be upset and frustrated with him.

How do you discuss this with him without hurting his feelings? By saying exactly how YOU feel, because there are TWO of you in that bed, and if his feelings are hurt, so be it. YOUR feelings are hurt.....so why shouldn't his be? If he really wants to, he can break his "habit", and if he really cares about YOUR feelings, then he will try to do that. If he won't try to change (and it won't happen overnight) then that tells you that he's more concerned about his sexual release than he is about you and your feelings. In that case, I'd say you don't have much of a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:43am
Like the others have said, he's been using it for so long that nothing compares to the intense vibrations. I've heard of it happening with women with their vibrators but hadn't heard of it happening to a guy before. Same things probably apply though.

I don't think that masturbating every night is too much but he has clearly gotten to the stage where he is using the machine too much. It'll probably take a while for him to get used to orgasming without the machine but it's a habit that he's got to break if there's to be any hope of a decent sex life between the two of you. Talk to him and stay low-key. Just tell him what you've told us and see if you can compromise - maybe he can use it every other time you have sex for starters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:45am
I agree with TIsh, that he needs to completely abstain from the vibrator. I read an article written in a sexuality journal (can't recall which one) in which the author describes treating a couple that had just been married. THe husband could not orgasm through intercourse. It turned out that he had an unusual and rough way of masturbating. THe author hypothesized that there is natural congenital variation in penis sensitivity (undoubtedly true) and that men with low sensitivity tended to masturbate in a manner which further densensitized them and habituated them to stimulation that was more intense than that from intercourse or oral sex. ANyway, the therapist suggested that the man abstain, and after awhile he did. He soon was able to have orgasms from intercourse. I'm sure the whole thing was not so tidy as all that, but it seems to be good news for your problem I think. As for how to tell him... You'll have to take the direct approach I'm afraid. I wouldn't do it during or right after sex though. Just say that you think he's very attractive (choose better words than I did though:) and that you think its worth putting some effort into making your sex life even better. He will be embarrased and hurt and that will make him a little angry most likely but hopefully he will quickly realize that he is extremely lucky to have a woman who is willing to put in the time and effort into him and your relationship. GOod luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 8:46am

Don't bring it up before, during or right after sex.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:49am
I agree with everything Tish said (I should just preface all my posts with that line). It's tremeandously unfair. Be honest and let the chips fall where they may.

Just out of curiosity, is this "machine" the fleshlight? If it isn't, I'd be real curious as to what it is. I never knew such a device existed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:51pm
you guys don't know how much I appreciate all your comments. This is something that needs to be addressed because I can't take it much longer. I'm glad I found this forum to talk to someone. Your advice is great and I'm going to try with all my heart to work this out. I will let you guys posted on what happends. Again thanks so much.

Before I forget, someone asked what type of machine it was.... well its not a specific machine for masturbation. It's an everyday body massage machine that he uses around his penis, and I hate the day he decided to take the darn thing south for a ride lol

it's funny now but the jurney will not be so sweet, I feel better now that I was able to share with someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:11pm
Best of luck to you and your partner.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd