getting discouraged
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getting discouraged
| Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:07pm |
i have been with my husband for a couple years now and he's only made me cum three times, and never through sex. in fact, he didnt do anything to make it happen, it was all me. with my ex-bf, it took a while to figure out how to make me orgasm (we were each other's firsts) but then after that it was easy, and we could make it happen in lots of different positions. i can even cum with a sex toy on my own. no matter what i try with my husband, i just can't get there. sometimes it's because he doesn't last long enough, sometimes it's because i think he is too big and it hurts after a while. can anyone offer advice or suggestions? i am getting very discouraged, and i don't want to spend the rest of my life (or the rest of my marriage, whichever ends first...) without a sex-induced o!

Hi vertigo:
IMHO, YOU are trying to hard; just enjoy each others bodies and closeness. Then, the orgasm will happen. My wife does not orgasm thru sexual intercourse. Oral, manual or sex toy will get her there.
Mac
When you say sex, you mean intercourse. If you have an orgasm, it's from sex, but there are many forms of sex, intercourse is only one. A man can't "make" a woman have an orgasm. He can help her by doing the right things, but a woman is the one who allows them to happen.
Most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone.....we need clitoral stimulation, either alone, or during intercourse. Maybe your ex was using a position that helped with that. In any case, he didn't "make" you have them, nor can your husband. Maybe the fact that you're thinking about your ex, and comparing your husband to him is what's giving you the problem.
Most of us have orgasms from foreplay, oral or manual.....and then sometimes go on to have them during intercourse, too. But it all starts with the clitoris. The fact that you think he's too big and it begins to hurt says that you're probably not getting enough foreplay, and that you're not well lubricated. If it begins to hurt, then you should add some lubricant to help that.
Work on more foreplay, use some lubricant if you get dry, and forget about your ex.....also check out www.the-clitoris.com, and share it with your husband. It'll help both of you.
Welcome to the board vertigo06.
You've gotten some good advice from the other members here. I think you are sort of worrying yourself out of an orgasm. Thinking he is too big and it's going to hurt eventually can really kill your desire as well. Lube will help with that. Perhaps have a glass or two of wine before having sex to help you relax.
I also find that the more orgasms I'm having, the more I want to (or will) have. Obviously, he can only help you have an orgasm. Try to have an orgasm during foreplay by relaxing and enjoying what he is doing. Include sex toys if necessary -- a combination of oral or manual with a vibrator or dildo is very likely to help you reach your goal. I also find that if I think about an orgasm, it's less likely to happen. You really need to enjoy the feelings that you are experiencing for as long as you can. If he doesn't last long enough, there are ways that he can learn to control that (the start-stop method), or he can turn his attention back to you once he has climaxed.
Do you feel comfortable talking with him about what you need sexually? Making sure you are aroused enough should help with your concerns about his size. Again, if you think about the orgasm instead of concentrate on the pleasure that you feel, you might be contributing to drying yourself out and/or decreased arousal. Keep a bottle of water-based lube handy and use it from the beginning, or add it along the way if necessary. Stopping to add lube or changing positions should also help him last longer.
Either of you can stimulate your clitoris during intercourse, or you can use a vibrator. If he is on the longer side, you can try positions that don't allow him to penetrate as deeply. With more shallow penetration, he is more likely to hit your g-spot, which can help you have an orgasm during intercourse. Exercising your PC muscles is also important as they can be a very integral part of an orgasm for a female.
my partner in the siggy exchange