Getting over my nerves
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| Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:32pm |
Here's my story... I have very little sexual experience. I have had one sexual relationship that was when i was 21. It lasted a few monthes ended badly and that was that. Between that relationship ending badly and the kind of anti-social habits i formed after it. It's been nearly 5 years since I've had anything close to sex.
I've now found a wonderful guy and I think I want to sleep with him. I'm so uneasy about it... not so much the actual sex... though a bit of that too. It's more things like "will i disapoint him i'm so inexperienced" that kind of thing. He's being totally sweet about it... we'll take things slow... I won't push.
There in lays the other problem... if he doesn't push a bit i don't know if anything will happen... I have NEVER be any good at making the first move. So he's going to have tomake the moves, i just won't. But I have always been a highly physical person... easily swayed by touch and sensation. So I don't know if i'll know when to say stop either and may end up going faster then i intended.
So basicly the more i think about it the most nerveous i get for a while bunch of reasons. I know i need to relax about it all... but i just can't seem to.
k

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First, get rid of the baggage from your last relationship. This is NOW.....that is behind you, and that's where it belongs.
Secondly, experience is nowhere as important as honesty, sincerity, and openness. Every man (and woman) is different, has different needs and desires, and every new partner is a NEW learning experience. It wouldn't matter if you'd been with 100 other men before this one, this one is unique, and you have to learn about HIM now.
Lastly, you have to communicate. You must have already talked to him...you say he's being sweet about it. Continue talking, and tell him how you feel....but first you have to figure that out for yourself. You say you want to have sex with him, and he has to initiate it, but at the same time you're afraid you won't be able to say stop. Which is it? If you want sex with him, you don't HAVE to say stop! You also have to get over your insecurity. There is nothing wrong with a woman initiating sex....why should the man always have to do it? They're just as insecure as women.....if they always have to initiate, they wonder if their partner is interested, too. Being the one who initiates doesn't mean you have to jump on him and attack him. You could just simply say "I want you" when you're cuddling and kissing, assuming you ARE doing that. If not, then initiate THAT!
As I said, it seems you've already talked to him, and he's being sweet and understanding, so just continue talking, and tell him what you want. He's not a mind reader, and particularly if you've told him you're nervous, he's NOT going to push, unless he knows you're ready.
I'm work on that baggage believe me i am... i didn't relize i had the hang ups about sex until i found someone i wanted to be with again or i probably would have rationalized them away by now.
I know it sounds really strange to say i want to sleep with him and i would like ot know i can stop at the same time. It's mostly a matter of it;s been five years... I don't want to just rush back in. I'd like to work up to full blown intercourse. I'm just afraid that we'll start something with no intention going that far and i'll get carried away. It wouldn't be his fault at all... but he'd end up suffering for my regrets.
But actually we continued talking tonight and something he said gave me and idea.... i haven't talked to him about it... since it just kind of kept growing after we stopped talking for the evening.... but i'd like some opinions anyway.
What I'm thinking basicly comes down to scripting thing out... not like every detail. But have hard limits for an encounter. Like okay tonight we stick to kissing, petting etc nothing more. Okay so it takes some of the spontinaity out of it... but i think it would certainly do my state of mind a lot of good.
Go with the flow, you already know you don't want to go too fast. Trust in yourself.
After all, who's in control of you?
You are WAY overthinking this whole thing. You want him to control it, but you want to control it. How about you BOTH control it? You want to have sex with him, but you want to be able to stop. You are an adult, and if you really want to stop, you will. If you don't stop, that's because you didn't WANT to stop.
Would it be the end of the world if you DIDN'T stop? No, it would not. This guy seems sensitive to your problems, so why not just go with your feelings, and see what happens? Is there a whole lot of difference if you have sex with him this week, or in a few weeks?
I also don't understand what the big deal is about intercourse. If you're willing to do everything else, what will NOT having intercourse prove? Many "other" things that people do are MORE intimate than intercourse ever will be. The only difference is that from intercourse, you can get pregnant. Of course, there are STDs to think about too, and you can get STDs without EVER having intercourse. Birth control and STDs are something else you should talk about.
As far as planning and scripting, forget about it. Follow your feelings and your instincts. If at any time you feel you need to stop, you will, and so will he. If you don't trust him to stop, then you shouldn't be with him. If you don't trust yourself to stop, then you don't WANT to stop. Relax and let nature take it's course.
You know what excuse the heck out of me for asking... i'm sorry i'm not your vision of a good strong liberated female with no fear when it comes to sex. Your replies have not been at all helpful only critical.
But you know what? It is BIG DEAL for me. As such yeah i'm going to think about it alot. Oh and i may be inexperienced but i'm not a complete fool... I don't need the health lesson.
Other then that... if anyone has somethign actually helpful to offer me please feel free. But if i wanted critic I would have asked my mother thanks.
k
Why do people ask for help, advice or opinions, then get mad when total strangers take time out of their day to offer that help, advice or opinion?
Just something I've wondered about.
Well in my case first i'm not mad... frustrated... but not mad. What i got for replies mostly ammounted to being told to get over myself because having sex with this guy or not really isn't all the important and all my worries are invalid.
Well it is important to me. And you know what even if my worries are totally silly... they are upsetting me. For reason atleast I wouldn't mind if they were given a little respect instead of being brushed off.
I'm very disapointed in the past I've found these boards helpful with my concerns, worries, etc. In the future i'm probably going to think twice before asking questions here.
k
Sorry to hear that but perhaps, just perhaps, your expectations for the comments you might get were a little unrealistic?
The great thing about these boards is that you WILL get a wide range of opinions and insight. And yes,among those will be many you won't agree with. But it's up to you to take from those replies the things that will benefit you and leave the rest.
As Tally said though, many people take their valuable time to respond and that should be respected.
Look i'm sorry if i've offended anyone. But I stand by everything I said. I would never dream of posting a reply like some of those I've recieved. People asking questions are looking for help... not to be told to get over it. If it were that easy they wouldn't be asking.
I know I have baggage and hang ups... i'm trying to deal with them... hence why I asked for help. I was fully prepared for many different types of responses... i've spent enough time on various message boards to know everyone has a differnt view of things. But I did not expect "get over it."
I just read through all these posts and I didn't see where anyone was brushing you off, you got
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