Getting over my nerves

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Getting over my nerves
14
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:32pm

Here's my story... I have very little sexual experience. I have had one sexual relationship that was when i was 21. It lasted a few monthes ended badly and that was that. Between that relationship ending badly and the kind of anti-social habits i formed after it. It's been nearly 5 years since I've had anything close to sex.

I've now found a wonderful guy and I think I want to sleep with him. I'm so uneasy about it... not so much the actual sex... though a bit of that too. It's more things like "will i disapoint him i'm so inexperienced" that kind of thing. He's being totally sweet about it... we'll take things slow... I won't push.

There in lays the other problem... if he doesn't push a bit i don't know if anything will happen... I have NEVER be any good at making the first move. So he's going to have tomake the moves, i just won't. But I have always been a highly physical person... easily swayed by touch and sensation. So I don't know if i'll know when to say stop either and may end up going faster then i intended.

So basicly the more i think about it the most nerveous i get for a while bunch of reasons. I know i need to relax about it all... but i just can't seem to.

k

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:53pm

But "get over it" and "you're overthinking this" IS a point of view though! And if this point of view doesn't make sense to YOU, then ignore it and move on to the next one. It may not be one you appreciate but it's something to consider and then utilize or discard.

It's not necessary to stop posting altogether or be offended simply because you don't like one person's response though. That makes no sense.

All any of us can offer you is a response based on the little bit of info. provided but there's never a guarentee that you're going to like what you hear.




Edited 10/12/2005 4:58 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:40pm

kendalina,
I've just read through this discussion. I think that the advice that you were getting at the start was thoughtful, considerate, and someone had taken some time to think about your situation and was giving their honest opinion about what you should do.

I can see that your upset about it. But you're upset not because it is bad advice or nasty or inconsiderate. You're upset because it goes completely against what YOU wanted to hear. Think about this for a moment. You find yourself here at 27 years of age faced with having intercourse and sex after 5 years and the last sexual relationship was a bad relationship that left you with baggage.

Do you think that there is a small possibility that the way that you have analysed and thought about relationships and sex over the last five years might not have been helping you? Is it possible that this different and offensive advice might actually be good advice? Bear in mind, whatever you've been thinking about in the last five years sure hasn't worked because here you are asking for advice and petrified of this situation!

Doing whatever you've been doing hasn't worked for you. So rather than being offended by advice that is completely different from how you've been thinking, take a moment to think about it before dismissing it.

I happen to agree with the others. I think that you ARE overanalysing the situation. I think that you SHOULD let nature take it's course. You like this guy. You want to have sex. Yet you've convinced yourself that you must take it step by step and resist temptation. Frankly, I see no reason why you need to worry so much. You seem to have built up some walls that don't belong here. I think that you should decide on a form of birthcontrol and use it/arrange it now should you need to rely on it later. Then take things as it happens. Forget scripting it. Do what feels comfortable and do what you want to do at the time. To some degree, my advice IS "get over it". That's not being offensive or unreasonable. It's genuine realistic advice. You seem to have made a mountain out of a molehill out of this whole thing and your anti-social habits or the baggage or whatever is holding you back from something that is actually very straighforward and easy to do.

If you are still having problems doing that, then perhaps you need some professional help.
We can't do much more here than encourage you and give you some advice based on what little we know of your situation. And sometimes, biting the bullet and getting over it is exactly what a lot of people need to do. But as I've said, if it's not working for you maybe you need therapy?




Edited 10/12/2005 6:44 pm ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 6:56am

I have read all the other posts, so I know what you thought about their opinions.

Basically, if you're so concerned and nervous about having sex with this guy, then you're not ready to. If you want to be ready, then you need to address the issue. If that means counselling to help you deal with your emotional baggage, then that's what it will take.

If you were really ready for sex, and really comfortable around the guy, then you'd have no problems making the first move. There's no "thinking" that you're ready for sex. You KNOW when you're ready to have sex with someone. And if you even attempt to push the issue on yourself when you have all these worries and doubts, then you won't be able to enjoy it when it happens. Yes, sex might be a big issue for you, but for those people that make a huge drama out of sex, they forget to enjoy it for what it is because they let their mind take control of the situation.

It sounds like he's a nice guy, and he's willing to wait. If he knows about your inexperience, then being the nice guy he sounds to be, he will make allowances for that. You need to trust YOURSELF to stop if you're not ready. And you need to trust HIM to stop if you say so. I know what it's like to be swayed by touch and sensation, but that's because I WANTED it to happen anyway, and the fact I wanted it overcame any doubts about rushing things.

It's not fair to leave this emotional baggage hanging over your new relationship. Your new guy had nothing to do with what happened five years ago. It sounds like he's understanding about it, but to be fair to him you need to address these issues and show him that the relationship is about you and him and now, and not you and what happened with your ex five years ago.

Good luck
Janet

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:01am

Ok, I think maybe what are looking for is something more solid, like a "maybe you can DO THIS, rather general advice". So I have a suggestion. It may be TOTALLY WRONG for you or your situation, or something you'll actually consider. Without knowing you personally, its a shot in the dark. But I do know one or two people who actually did this...

Either by mail or a dummy email account send your boyfriend an anonymous letter. Tell him you are good friend of "yourself" and were very hesitant to make this move, but sometimes you had to take a chance for a friend, even if you knew the friend would object.

Then tell him what you think you need him to know but cant just come out and say. Such things as your inexperience, fear of going to quickly, being a disappointment, of asking for patience and then missing the opportunities that come along because of too much patience. Then tell him what you think MIGHT help.

Myself, I would consider your "script". This idea will never work if he doesnt know there is one. BUt your anonymous best friend could tell him you have this "fantasy" perfect seduction, and each step has a clue when you are ready for the next move, almost shall I say like a treasure hunt....

Example: If you go for a dessert, and she wants to share one( two straw milkshake, etc..'Then she is ready for you to hold hands in public..
If you walk her to her door, but she DOES NOT get out her keys before you get to the door, shes ready for a good night kiss.
If she accepts an invitation to dinner at your place, but doesnt bring wine,
shes not ready to make out, if she does bring wine, intimate prolongued kissing is on the menu...
If she invites you to her place, and has a movie to watch with you that is a love story, and has wine, she is ready for more than kissing, but watch your step...
And if she shows at your place, or has at hers, a clearly erotic film...Kama Sutra, Wild Orchid, 9 1/2 weeks, then she is wanting.... scared and not sure, but wanting to try for the whole thing... but so afraid of disappointing you that YOU will have to take the lead and be sure you show her you ARE pleased, and how you like to be pleased.
Patience is one thing, but dont interpret that as meaning shell make the first move, she wont. And it will be up to you to start even the conversations about intimate subjects...

And if its stupid and obvious that YOU wrote this and not a friend, SO WHAT. It shows you are trying to break out of your shyness for him, and he should very much appreciate having a clearly marked roadmap to romancing you....

On the otherhand, you and any other readers MIGHT think I am an idiot, but I actually know a couple who did something similar, only it was THROUGH a REAL best friend, myself.
As each of theirs "confidant" I was able to pass on to the other some information that helped them overcome their shyness. Now Im not going to claim they lived happily ever after, this was a very young and dating time, and they stopped dating after about 6 months, but we are all still friends and happily married to others.

Im sorry you felt negatively about some of the other responses, but none of them were meant that way... I think most of them feel, quite possibly CORRECTLY, that once you get past that "first" time you will find all your fears groundless.... That sex is going to WONDERFUL for both of you no matter what your "skills" are if you are ready for it. From there on, if you can learn to be open and communicate, and put "giving" pleasure first, youll soon have no reason to doubt yourself.
But I can understand your first time MORE THAN jitters... I was literally crippled by my desire in conflict with moral and "dream" of being only with one woman, happily ever after. Finally, some female friends got me drunk and set me up... Risky I suppose, but they were right. It was a wake up call that I was putting sex on such a pedastal it was out of reach, and I have been eternally grateful to all the conspirators, especially the 10 year older than me divorcee that took me home with her..
It may well take you much more than simplistic "get over it" advice for you to act...
SO if you WANT a script...then write it down and give it to him...

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