Giving directions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Giving directions
7
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:06am

Hey yall!

I'm a bit shy between the sheets. My boyfriend is fantastic but he doesn't finger me properly! He does it too hard and he just sort of sticks his fingers up there without any technique. He doesn't even touch my clit and that's what I need to orgasm. The last time he tried fingering me, it ended up hurting and I just told him to stop and have sex with me because I didn't want to tell him I didn't like what he was doing!

I don't even know how I would explain it to him and I don't want him to feel like an idiot. When I touch myself I don't even put my fingers up- I just like contact with my clitoris. I don't know how to tell him how to touch my clitoris ! I'm too shy to touch myself infront of him. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 1:46am

If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know. Evidently no one before you has told him either! If you're going to be sexually active, then you need to be able to talk about it, too. I'll bet if you do something he's not crazy about, he doesn't have a problem telling you!

You both sound very young, and you both need to learn about what makes sex a pleasure. Pain doesn't!

You've figured out that what women need from a man is clitoral stimulation, NOT ramming fingers or anything else into your vagina. Boys and men think that a woman's vagina is the place to go, and for THEM, it is. They have to be taught that for a woman, the vagina is only a receptical for the penis....but it is NOT her primary sex organ. The clitoris is where all the nerve endings are, and the vagina has little or no feeling (except pain) inside it.

Women NEED foreplay to get them properly aroused and well lubricated. Clitoral stimulation is what we all need. You're no different than any other female.

You can tell him what you like without making him feel like an idiot. You can explain what you need without telling him he's clueless. There's a very good website that you should check out, and have HIM check out too. Look at it together, and talk about it. Gop to www.the-clitoris.com and learn more about your own body, and help him learn too. He will never know he's doing something wrong unless you tell him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 2:45am
The problem is, I really am not sure what I would like him to do. I'm not very experienced sexually so I don't know what to try and what to have him try.
Do you have any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 4:18am
Masterbate while he watches. Then you can show him exactly what you like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 7:30am

You know what you like when you touch yourself so that's what


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:57am

Believe it or not, NO ONE knows what they like, or don't like, until they experiment, and try different things. There are no "directions"....you just experiment. That's half the "fun" of sex......learning about your body, and learning what you like and don't like. You already know what you DON'T like! If he's being too rough on your clitoris, it's up to YOU to tell him that, and tell him to be more gentle. He hasn't got a clue that he's doing something wrong unless he's told. Otherwise, he thinks he's great, and he'll never change. Explain to him that your clitoris is VERY sensitive, even more sensitive than the head of his penis.....and he certainly wouldn't like it if you were grinding away on that!

We're all different. What I like you might hate, and vice versa. Experiment on him, and tell him to do the same on you. Try things like rubbing or sucking on HIS nipples. He might love that, and you can ask him to do the same for you. Most men enjoy it if you fondle their testicles. (and if you're too rough, he WILL tell you!)

Sex is more than "first do this, then do that"......it's making love to the whole body....kissing, touching, licking....whatever gives you both pleasure....and you'll never know what that is until you try it.

You both have a lot to learn, and it's fun learning together. Read that website, and maybe you'll get some ideas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:38am

You have to look at this from a different perspective. Instead of worrying about his ego, think about how YOU would feel if you were doing something that "hurt" him and he didn't tell you. Wouldn't you want him to tell you? Isn't it defeating the whole purpose of sex (pain instead of pleasure)?

Even if you feel "funny" telling him what you do want, or you aren't sure what you like yet, YOU MUST tell him what hurts, and you must tell him to tell YOU whenever something YOU do hurts him. That's a good way to start. You will freer to explore one another's bodies if you know that in the least, no news will be good news. By all means though, praise, moan, and respond to things that feel good. This is how you "communicate."

Just tell him that you are inexperienced and you do not know much about how your body responds to particuarly stimuli yet. That inserting anything inside the vagina can feel good, but not until you are "ready." You can help things progress by learning by yourself what you like and to "listen" to it. You will eventually learn just how aroused you are and where and what you want to be touched at that time. You will say things like "I want you inside of me." "I want to feel your tongue here." or "Yes, keep doing that." and because you are BOTH EXPERIMENTING on each other, you have to always be prepared to hear when something does not feel good or hurts. This is how you learn about each other.

Begin by telling him that you thought there was something wrong with you because it hurts when he inserts a finger and that you "read" up on it, and found out that if the vagina is inserted in an unaroused state, it can be painful. Explain to him that clitoral stimulation is required to allow the vagina to expand and relax to allow for "comfortable" insertion, just as it is for an erection to allow for the penis to. Tell him that the clitoris is akin to his penis (it has a shaft and a glans)--not the vagina.

When you become experienced and aroused enough (through proper mental and physical stimulation) you will discover areas that you never knew existed (the inside of the vagina, included). You will learn that there are different "states of arousal" and what will work and what will not with each. In different states....different "parts" come alive--parts that you never realized were so pleasurable. You will "crave" something one night, that you didn't the other. Just "listen" to your body....it will not steer you wrong....but you have to pay attention.... ;-)

Begin communicating.....as I said, think about how you would feel if you were doing something repetitively that was hurting him...you'd want to know....and I'd doubt you'd get upset that he doesn't find it pleasurable....just upset that he felt weird telling you. (sorry for all of the elipses... ;-))

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:39pm
Thank you all VERY much. It is so kind of you! I will let you know what happens next time.