Giving up on sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Giving up on sex
11
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:29pm
I just turned 18 years old and for almost 2 years now I have had almost no sex drive. I switched my birthcontrol to a lower dose of hormones so I don't think it is that. I used to have a good sex drive and since moving in with my boyfriend we have sex maybe twice a week if that. I don't do oral because I hate the taste and he doesn't do it because I don't recipricate/ don't want it, so we don't do much for foreplay. I also haven't been able to orgasm very often the last year 1/2 I used to fake it but now I just let it happen if it happens and if not oh well. I don't talk about this with my boyfriend because he feels that orgasms are not the main part of sex. I talked to him about it a while back- not telling him I can't orgasm but just talking about how sometimes if we go for long I don't feel anything and he said - " besides, that isn't what sex is about" so there is no way I am going to talk to him about it. I try to get into it and lately have been having sex more- not because I want to just to try to like it again but I mostly want it over with. I really just want to stop having sex altogether with, is this weird?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:02pm
It sounds like your b/f is more mature about sex than you are. He understands that sex isn't about orgasms, it's about pleasure, which you can have with or without orgasms.

The reason to have sex is to share love and intimacy....if you have orgasms, great, but if not, there's still a lot of pleasure to be had, both in the giving and the receiving. If you're not enjoying it, then maybe it's not the "relationship" you thought it was.

Orgasms don't make sex good.......GOOD SEX makes orgasms happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:56pm
I completly understand that orgasms are not the main reason for sex but what I have a problem with is that it is never his intention, he is perfectly fine with just doing it to get off and as soon as he is done its all over with. It isn't that we have great passionate sex where we both try to please the other and no orgasm happens- I could deal with that but it's just sex to get him off- very little kissing and touching. Believe me- I am not one of those people who count sex as bad sex just because I don't get off-for me it's more about effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:25pm

If it is all about your b/f getting off, then you are going to have to talk to him, tell him what you need, what you want and what your desires are for you to enjoy having sex with him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:10am
I am sorry to have to say this, but, I think you just need to get yourself a better man. This guy sounds like a very selfish lover, for one, and for two, he doesn't seem to care about the way you feel. I can understand your aversion to oral, but who said that you have to finish and deal with the taste and smell? Can't you just use it as forplay? Other than that, I just think you need to find yourself a guy who actually cares about you, and wants to make love to you!!! Sex isn't all about the orgasm, your right, but damn, sex without orgasm has really got to rub you the wrong way after a while. No pun intended. Get out of this relationship, and find yourself a guy who will treat you right, instead of his way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 4:26pm
I gotta say, this may be hard to hear, but I agree with Jeep on this. If he's simply utilizing you for sexual servicing, then he'd be just as satisfied with a sex doll! Perhaps your lack of sex drive is more to do with what's lacking in your relationship and NOTHING to do with you/your birthcontrol etc etc.

You are only 18- and i can tell you honestly, that it took me a few more years to get the real hang of sex and feel good about what i was doing (i'm 28 now), so perhaps there's just more growing up to do in that dept...

but i worry when i hear, he does to get off then it's over...i would hope you could find someone who's turned on by you- finds you sexy and wants to explore your every inch. and believe me- those guys ARE out there! don't settle just because he's THERE. It might shock you how quickly your sex drive will return once you're being cared for and lusted after in a relationship!!!

Good luck! i hope this works out for you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 4:42am
I thought that from your first post that you either had a medical problem or that you just might have a low libido. With this second post I think that you should look much more closely at your relationship with your boyfriend.

Frankly I don't blame you for not wanting sex if there is little kissing, cuddling or foreplay or oral sex. That's what good sex is about. Sure, there is more to sex than orgasms but when do you have an opportunity to lie back and just enjoy the closeness, intimacy and the sensations? You don't with this guy. If it's Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Madam! sex like you are getting then what woman is going to enjoy that or be interested in it again?

I think that you have stopped enjoying sex because you aren't getting good sex in the first place. Add to that your age - basically your entire sex life has been with this one guy. You don't know what you are missing. It's no wonder that you think that you have no sex drive when all that is probably wrong is that you think that this guy that is boring and selfish and bad in bed is normal!

You're going to have to talk to him and try to work at having better sex. More foreplay, oral sex (try showering just before sex and offer to blow him after he does you :) ), massages, lazy Sunday mornings in bed, wild Friday night sex, cuddling, touching, anything to make sex more enjoyable and interesting. Once that happens you'll probably find that you enjoy it more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:52pm
Thanks to everyone who replied to my posts, especially the last couple replies to this discussion. They really made me think and take a deeper look at things. I also want to say though- that my boyfriend is pretty much perfect to me besides in the bedroom where we have problems. We are so close and love being together. I'm not bored with him- though I know some people would be at my age but I have take part in the fact that I hardly ever speak up and tell him what I want in bed. Anyway- you all said things that actually helped, so thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 1:39pm

I hope all works out for you.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 3:03pm
YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING SEX!

Wait until about age 25 and then you will enjoy it. you are NUTZ for having sex at such a young age. Unless you are married or something, best thing is to wait for the right man that you are really in love with (at age 23-25) and then have sex then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 3:52pm
I'm sorry and I don't mean to be rude but age has NOTHING to do with being able to have a sexual relationship with someone you love. Love knows no age and age has nothing to to with maturity. Some people are forced to grow up fast and some just mature faster then others. So to specify an age for when someone should engage in sex is wrong and what works/worked for you may not work for others. I am only 18 (will be 19 in less than a month - WOO HOO!!) and I could not be any more in love than I am right now and I have been in my current relationship for over three years. I was totally ready for the sex and the love and mature enough to handle all the emotions that come with it. Again, I don't mean to offend you but to generalize that *no one* is ready for sex/to be in love until any certain age is wrong and cannot be determined by anyone but the people themselves and who they are involved with.
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