Gonna Have To Ask...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Gonna Have To Ask...
49
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:28am
I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or anything, or insult someone..But, what is the big deal with porn? I'm not talking about the kind of porn the violates an unconsenting individual. I'm talking about the porn you can download or go to the video store and rent. Or look at in a magazine. I don't understand what the big issue with porn is. Why can't someone's SO view it in his/her private time? How is viewing porn a violation of trust? I mean this in an innocent way, honestly. I just don't really understand how porn is a violation of trust. Will someone, in a kind way, explain to me how it is so?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:20pm

As with drugs and money and power and other s, I'd personally have to say that it isn't the itself that people take issue with, but

as always

its what it tends to to. Make sense?

I don't think porn 'itself' is the issue that people really have a problem with, but its what is does or could do for the most part that I think people have a problem with, even if they never thought about it to that level.

Just my take on it after all I've heard/read on the issue. No message in my wording about whether or not anyone's view on it is justified, I'm just sharing something interesting I recognized over the decades. If my own wife looked at porn, even while using her toy, I wouldn't brag any less about how wonderful she truly is, nor would I ever question her appetite for me, but each couple is uniquely different. Some deal with addictions more than others do, so its always going to be confusing by those of us who deal with it , always something to keep in mind.

Not a bad question, not bad at all.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 4:48pm
Personally I have no problem with porn. I don't mind looking at it occasionally so why should I mind if my bf does? However, I have mellowed alot over the past decade. When I was a teenager with my first serious boyfriend, I thought the world was going to end when I found my bf looking at porn. I remember my mom telling my sister and I that she didn't mind when my dad used to look at playboy and stuff. I remember how appauled I was- wondering how in the world she didn't mind that. But now I understand. It is NO BIG DEAL!!!!! So once I got older and more comfortable in my relationships, I began to mellow out and now with my newest bf, I really could care less if he looks at porn. However, that being said, if he was addicted to it, then I might have a bit of a problem, but he's not. He has 2 porn DVD's and we have watched about 10 minutes of one of them one time. I actually like doing that- it opens our minds to new things- to doing new things in the bedroom. I'd actually like to further expand our collection of DVD's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 6:37pm

Jennie, I haven't read all of the other responses....so forgive me if I repeat someone's thoughts.

When I first started on these boards, like you, I couldn't figure out what the big deal with porn was. It gets used in our relationship sparingly - we watch a XXX porn video together about 4 times per year. If my DH does use it alone, then he's discreet - and I don't know about it. And I have never compared myself to the women in porn because they are all silicone and airbrushing anyway.

But then I started to read all the problems. The wife who gets no sexual attention, but her partner will look at porn for hours every night. Or the wife who feels insecure when he looks, but he doesn't even have enough respect to look discreetly. This kind of thing could cause a real problem in any relationship.

While I don't believe that a woman has the right to 'demand' her husband look at no porn (it's too much like the thought police for my liking), there should be the basic expectation of discretion on his behalf.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:10pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:19am
Have you seen some of those women in porn videos? Not exactly what I would call beautiful..All their features are exaggerated. I know that my DH prefers me for my realness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 9:30am
I agree that it isn't right to say, "YOU CAN'T LOOK AT PORN!!" Why not open the discussion with, "Honey, I'm beginning to feel you spend more time with the porn than you are me. Is there something we can do about it?" and then start the fireworks. Noone knows why a man..or woman..turns to porn, but perhaps instead of a partner worrying obsessively over it, they could just confront them in a non-nagging, non-emotional way and find out what's causing this disturbance in their sexual relationship. I think a person has the right to view porn discreetly, in privacy, without being made to feel bad about it. Its not degrading because these women and men choose this lifestyle. They grew up with the idea of being a porn star. And hey, if I wasn't insecure about the way I looked or married, I'd be one too! Dude, you get to have sex for a living..That's cool. Though, I imagine that it would get boring after awhile and I am still a young child. Anyway, thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 12:03pm

"it isn't the itself that people take issue with, but

as always

its what it tends to to."

I would agree with that, EXCEPT that 99% of the posts that I read about porn has the phrase "he's comparing me to them" in it.

That's insecurity. Plain and simple. They are afraid of being compared to someone's fantasies. So I think in porn's case, what they are afraid it leading to is their partner finding them lacking.

And that could be a self-fufilling prophecy b/c a whiny, controlling, tearful, unconfident partner can hold little appeal.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 2:13pm

It's a 40 billion dollar a year business where 90 something percent of the viewers are male. I'm sure that in there somewhere are men who actually do compare and also some who it raises expectations for. Recently a male on this board said something about...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlletstalkab/?msg=16872.11

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:09pm
Same thing with romantic chick flicks - they raise the expectations that (some) women have for men's behaviors. Yet, everyone would find it silly and awfully insecure of a man if he demanded that his partner stop watching "Along Came Polly" . . .

 

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:37pm

But yet, it's very rare that you hear of a woman suggesting plastic surgery to her partner to enhance HER experience during sex. However, this seems to be a very common complaint among women in relationships. Particularly, among younger women. Because they ARE being compared in many cases and the expectations are becoming unreasonable.

It's not unreasonable to ask your DH to be more thoughtful and romantic but to ask him to undergo unnecessary surgery is ridiculous!!




Edited 5/14/2005 3:57 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001