Gonna Have To Ask...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Gonna Have To Ask...
49
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:28am
I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes or anything, or insult someone..But, what is the big deal with porn? I'm not talking about the kind of porn the violates an unconsenting individual. I'm talking about the porn you can download or go to the video store and rent. Or look at in a magazine. I don't understand what the big issue with porn is. Why can't someone's SO view it in his/her private time? How is viewing porn a violation of trust? I mean this in an innocent way, honestly. I just don't really understand how porn is a violation of trust. Will someone, in a kind way, explain to me how it is so?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:39pm
True...but I think the biggest difference is that one can change a behavior...one can't change the way they look(unless of course it's something doable like weight). If a man was threatened by the fact that his SO wanted romance, he COULD compete if he chose to. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:53pm
But the majority of porn isn't designed to attract YOU, it's designed to attract men and that's what it does. Men who watch porn watch it to see different women than their partner and to experience the fantasy of being "with" different women. And I'm guessing that THAT'S essentially what bothers many wives and GF's. Not the porn so much as the idea that their SO needs or wants to experience that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 4:19pm

"If a man was threatened by the fact that his SO wanted romance, he COULD compete if he chose to."

So you're saying that it's good to compare your S/O to what you see in a movie if it's something they can change vs. not?

I think watching a movie (ANY kind of movie) and then expecting that reality to be YOUR reality seems unfair towards your partner, as well as unreasonable.

And just like Katmando said, if a hubby wants to look at big, fake pornstar boobs, the wife CAN get those if she REALLY wanted to compete. If she chose to, she could make it her priority to act/look like a porn star. Just like her husband could mimic the unrealistic behavior of many men in romantic comedies. If they chose to.

Either way, it's unfair.

And the person with the unreasonable expectations that wants their partner to change to suit them is wrong. So, no one should feel that they have to compete with something that is pretend and made up.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 4:33pm

"So you're saying that it's good to compare your S/O to what you see in a movie if it's something they can change vs. not?"

Good to? No. Just giving you the difference between something one can control and something that they can't.

"I think watching a movie (ANY kind of movie) and then expecting that reality to be YOUR reality seems unfair towards your partner, as well as unreasonable."

Well...that's what many of these women feel apparently.

"And just like Katmando said, if a hubby wants to look at big, fake pornstar boobs, the wife CAN get those if she REALLY wanted to compete. If she chose to, she could make it her priority to act/look like a porn star. Just like her husband could mimic the unrealistic behavior of many men in romantic comedies. If they chose to."

Yes...but it may not just be about the boobs. Maybe it's the face, lips, ass, legs,...you get the pic. ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:03pm

But still.

Expecting your parnter to BE someone they are not is okay, but expecting someone to LOOK like what they're not is not?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:13pm
No. I was just pointing out that IF there is an expectation(for either), one is possible to fulfill and one is not.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:15pm
But I thought we agreed that expectations based on fantasy that you see on TV is wrong?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:20pm
We did, but we were discussing those cases in which there were. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:33pm

"I'm sure that in there somewhere are men who actually do compare and also some who it raises expectations for."

Ok, this is what I responded to a few posts back. It sounded like you were trying to say that porn did raise some men's expectations, which I do agree with - I think it raises ALL our expectations b/c it's done professionally, it comes with the territory, you know? However, I don't think that is a good enough reason to ask someone to stop watching it. If they can't see the difference between reality and fantasy and expect their life to be a movie, there are much bigger problems that go beyond just the porn use. And if instead of recognizing that, you (general you) feel insecure, that points to a problem that YOU have. If you are truly threatened by a fantasy I would question how well YOU can differentiate between 'pretend' and reality.

This is all JMHO, of course.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 6:47pm

"If you are truly threatened by a fantasy I would question how well YOU can differentiate between 'pretend' and reality."

As I stated in a previous thread and as Kat spelled out...that is the crux of the issue. These women don't see it as fantasy,...to them porn is "the other woman." They are just as good as real women. They seem threatened by it period; and just telling them to get over it doesn't just change their minds.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )